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Dear Wendy

Emotionally abusive husband – stay or go??

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  • #966870 Reply
    avatarPJ
    Guest

    “FYI” – thank you so much for your insight. I plan on calling the hotline tomorrow. I am currently in therapy, but have not been to an appointment since these events unfolded (scheduled, though!).

    I am currently separated from him, but just with a duffel bag of things. We own a house together, though it is in my name. I had a conversation with him today, asking him to move out next week so that I could live at home, and we could switch off every other week until I felt I had come to terms with what to do next. He adamantly refused to leave the house. And, yes, he is “pressuring me” to come back – or, rather, telling me it is “ridiculous” and unwarranted that I have made this move.

    Thank you for your help. It is so easy to wonder, “am I exaggerating? Am I imagining this?” And to feel guilty, such as “maybe they truly don’t know what they’re doing is hurting me.” So thank you – moving step by step closer to clarity.

    #966871 Reply
    avatarPJ
    Guest

    Helen & brise – thank you for your words, and for the advice on seeing the alcoholism as a separate entity. I do need to focus on the fact that episodes are still happening while sober, even if they are less severe.
    I will definitely look into those apps. As well as a lawyer.

    #966872 Reply
    avatarPJ
    Guest

    Tui: “You don’t have to give him another chance just because he’s abusing you less currently.

    Here in NZ there is a movement called ‘she is not your rehab’ and it’s so true.”

    ———-All I have to say to this is: yes.

    And Kate: thank you for your personal experience. It’s nice to hear that you do think of your ex husband fondly now, despite the pain he caused you. I am in that same mindset of leaving before there is too much shared, including kids. We don’t have kids right now, so best to make a decision before that happens or before I’m leaving him at 35 with slimmer chances of having healthy children with someone else in the future.

    #966873 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Definitely leave him. The way he’s acting right now is really fucked up, too. You should probably consult a lawyer about how best to deal with the house. You will likely need to sell it and split the equity somehow, or you keep it and make a payment to him for his share.

    #967172 Reply
    avatarOracle
    Guest

    You need to leave permanently. This is only going to get worse. Sooner or later it’s going to get physical instead of intimidation. Do you want to end up in the hospital? Maybe lose the sight in one of your eyes. It happens. See a lawyer and sell the house. I would not want this guy to know we’re I live.

    #967442 Reply
    avatarron
    Guest

    Yes, you must leave. Emotional abuse is bad enough, but despite your excuses for him, he has demonstrated a very violent tempter. Breaking down doors and punching walls in your presence may be aimed at inanimate objects, but is meant to intimidate you by a display of violent rage by one who presumably is bigger and stronger than you. Pulling a bed out from under you is direct violence against your person. You’ve excused and rationalized so much bad behavior. I know you’ve left him, but in the past it’s been temporary. Now it needs to be forever.

    #967901 Reply
    avatarPJ
    Guest

    Thank you all. As an educated and (ironically) independent woman, it baffles me that as I re-read all of your responses, some days I say, “yes, that’s what I already knew inside;” yet on other days, I say, “yeah, but…..”

    I am holding out on making any decisions until I feel very secure in those decisions, and until I lose that sense of “yeah, but….” I see my therapist this week, yay!!

    #967915 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Eh, that “yeah but” is self-deception. Everyone experiences that in bad relationships they should leave. It can take years and tons of bullshit to get to that moment where you know 100% you want out, but then it’s too late if you want kids. Trust me, that feeling doesn’t mean, “this is actually ok and fixable.” It means “I’ve invested a lot of time here, I know he has good qualities, I don’t want to start over. I don’t want to be alone or have to date again.”

    Don’t wait around, it won’t get better. And when he falls off the wagon again it’s going to be hell.

    #967956 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    I also just want you to know, that the good things about your husband and the good things about the relationship? You don’t lose those when you leave. You get to keep them. You can cherish them and take them into your next relationship. Or just with yourself. They become part of you to keep. But you get to leave the bad shit behind, or you can if you do the work, and if he doesn’t, you know, maim or kill you.

    Unless the good outweighs the bad by at least 80/20 and you’re not in danger and there’s not something going on like substance abuse or cheating or something else that’s a dealbreaker – don’t stick around.

    #967969 Reply
    avatarFYI
    Guest

    Very, very often you only gain clarity about a situation once you’re OUT of that situation. It’s hard to think straight when someone is lying to you constantly. (That IS what he is doing — lying — every time he assures you that “it’ll be different now.”)

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