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Dear Wendy

Ending a 5 year relationship due to no intimacy?

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  • #945840 Reply
    avatarAnonEsk223
    Guest

    Hi everyone,

    I’ve been with my boyfriend for nearly 5 years now (I’m 23, he’s 25). He is the loveliest, kindest, patient and most gentle man I’ve ever known.
    We lived with my parents since last June and since then, we have probably had sex about 4 or 5 times. Not only this but we don’t kiss or do anything else, only cuddle.
    Just before lockdown, our relationship broke down as a result of this, as well as me feeling like he wasn’t making a massive effort. We spent lockdown apart and after about 6 weeks, we had a ‘f*** it’ moment and decided to put everything into our relationship and rent a flat together.

    4 weeks down the line, things are nice. We have a lovely flat, we love each others company and we’re having fun. But I just feel like I live with my roommate. I feel so guilty for having these thoughts because he is SO lovely but it’s just not happening. He says he doesn’t want to initiate because he knows I don’t want to, and I feel so so guilty. I just know I’d be forcing it. But I just feel like we have tried everything. I am absolutely terrified of losing him and the thought makes me feel sick because I know so many people would die to have a boyfriend like mine. I know full well how lucky I am and I do think he’s good looking, I’m just never in the mood anymore. I’m also starting to find another guy attractive which is really making me panic.

    Am I being dramatic? The thought of leaving such a fantastic man makes me feel sick but I’m so lost. I’d appreciate any help. Thanks x

    #945881 Reply
    avatarFyodor
    Guest

    There’s someone out there who will be nice to you and also want to have sex with you. You are 23-do you want to spend the next sixty years without sex?

    #945885 Reply
    avatarPeggy
    Guest

    Hi Anon. This won’t go away on it’s own. You need to both want to fix this ( and understand what a fix would look like to each of you) or this is going to waste your time and love/emotions for a long time and then still end badly.
    Your letter was a bit confusing as to who (him or you) is the reluctant partner. I think if you both go to a sex therapist or marriage therapist,it is possible to work it out. But it will take a lot of work and action,not talk .
    Develop an action plan with a counselor. I would give it 6 months max and then bail if it is not improved. Could be the two of you are just incompatible in that regard.

    #945891 Reply
    avatarFyodor
    Guest

    yeah-rereading this it looks like she won’t have sex with him. I still think that they should break up. It’s going to take a while to fix and she might be better off with a new partner.

    #945941 Reply
    avatarAnonEsk223
    Guest

    Yeah, it’s usually me that isn’t in the mood but I can’t put my finger on why, all I know it’s it’s gone on for months. It’s so hard because I do see a future with him, I’d love to marry someone like him and he makes me so happy – it’s just this one thing is missing!!!

    #945982 Reply
    avatarFyodor
    Guest

    If you love him, break up with him and let him find a romantic partner who wants to have sex with him. You’re not doing him any favors staying with him in a relationship where he has to beg you to have sex with him once a month.

    #946048 Reply
    PheebersPheebers
    Participant

    Sex and attraction are complicated. You can love someone desperately and still not be sexually attracted to them. It’s sad when the relationship isn’t as actually perfect as it seems, but you found out before you got married or put more time into the relationship, so be grateful for that.

    Presumably, you both love each other and want the other to be happy. That may not be with each other. Better to find out now than be in the same position after 25 years.

    #946217 Reply
    avatarktfran
    Participant

    LW, I was in an extremely similar situation to you. I was dating an amazing person. I loved him. I loved his family. We had shared goals and similar interests. But I didn’t want to have sex with him. I just wasn’t attracted to him that way. The chemistry was off. I kept ignoring it. We’d talk about it occasionally and I know it hurt him. But I couldn’t do it.

    However, instead of breaking up, he proposed. We moved in together. Things fell off the rails. I mean, how could I break up and call off an engagement to such a great person? I started seeing a therapist. I worked it out. We broke up. Honestly, I shouldn’t have said yes to the proposal. He shouldn’t have proposed! We were on this trajectory and it took realizing this was for life to figure it out.

    The break up was amicable. We remained friendly. He is now married and I believe has a child. I found my person. All is well. I adore my husband (but don’t tell him that).

    I tell you this because it’s ok to break up over lack of chemistry. A person doesn’t have to be a horrible person to break up. Or a cheater. Or a liar. You’ll find a better match. The best thing you can do is set you both free.

    #946267 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    I was in a similar situation as Ktfran.

    He was smart, driven, very attractive. We had a house, pets…on a typical trajectory but after awhile I just didn’t want to have sex with him anymore. I would even kind of squirm away when he touched me. It wasn’t right. He was great on paper but we were not great together.

    We broke up, I moved out, we tried to date again and I moved back in, on and on it went for months, maybe even a year until we finally called it quits.

    We’re both married to different people now. I’m very glad we finally got our shit together and stopped trying to make “us” work.

    Things don’t have to be terrible for them to be not right for you. Wanting more doesn’t make you a bad person. You’re so young. There will be other men that fit you better.

    #946282 Reply
    PheebersPheebers
    Participant

    There’s a big sunk cost fallacy with long relationships, especially when you love them. You think you can make it better with work. But chemistry is one of those things that’s really hard to create — it’s there or it isn’t. If you were the one who was disappointed in the lack of sex, I’d say it was up to you to decide. But you love this guy, and you know you’re not making him happy. That’s in addition to you not being happy yourself.

    #946379 Reply
    avatarFyodor
    Guest

    yeah, in addition to what everyone else says, you’re not doing your partner any favors staying in a bad chemistry-free relationship out of guilt or obligation. You’re both way way too young to be living like this.

    #946385 Reply
    avatarFyodor
    Guest

    Also, if you’re fighting this hard to have attraction when your in your’re mid 20s and child-free, it’s going to be a thousand times worse when you’ve been together for a long time, are dealing with kids, etc.

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