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ex friends with benefits

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  • This topic has 18 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 1 month ago by DCLite.
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  • #1096238 Reply
    summerhaven06
    Guest

    I had a friends with benefits with a guy for about three years. I was in love with him and he knew this. I also knew he didn’t love me back but honestly believed he cared a lot about me. We would sleep together a few times a week.

    We stopped hooking up almost a year ago now as he started dating someone. Since then he had continued to message me, tell me he missed me, wanted to hook up with me, would try to have phone sex, say he makes himself jerk off to me and not her, etc. I never said any of this to him in return but I did participate in general texts here and there to be nice and I did honestly want to stay friends. When the conversation would turn into something flirty from his end I’d stop messaging and tell him he can’t say those things to me anymore.

    A few months ago I said to him enough is enough as I have feelings for you. The messages saying he missed me weren’t fair as he knew I still loved him. I said either end things with your girlfriend and we can be friends or you stay with her and never talk to me again as it’s messing with my mental health.

    He’d cry to me on the phone saying he can’t loose me and that he loves me too and he’d end things with her. I waited a week and he just didn’t end his relationship with her. We cried and yelled to each other on the phone after the week went by. I was a mess, so hurt. I asked him one final time what decision he was going to make and he said he was sorry but can’t end things with her because she’s pregnant. I was beside myself at this point and said I hate him. He then replied “don’t make me kill myself.”

    I rushed over to his house banged on the door hoping he was alive. He was. We both looked like we’d been crying for days. He stood at the window next to his front door and voiced for me to leave as his girlfriend had just got there. So I left. And haven’t seen or spoken to him since.

    It’s been a few months now and I have mutual friends with the girlfriend, one being her sister. To my knowledge she isn’t pregnant. I know she could’ve aborted it but I believe she never was as the timeline didn’t add up (he told me he loved me and was ending things with her after he apparently already knew she was pregnant).

    Apart of me feels like I need to explain this all to the girlfriend. Apart of me thinks I should let it be. I think about it a lot but have deleted all of our messages so have no proof any of this happened.

    It just doesn’t sit right with me. I know he didn’t physically cheat on her but he did via messages and telling me he loves me and that he’d leave her. I think I would want to know if my boyfriend was saying these things to someone I knew he used to regularly hook up with. Please help!

    #1096252 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster
      Ugh. This is a thing that guys do. You can waste your life being caught up in it emotionally, or you can pull yourself together and move on with dignity.

      I’ve seen this happen before to some of my friends. I’m going to tell you a truth that is going to hurt but you need to hear it. You were never girlfriend material for this guy and you never will be. He doesn’t see you that way. Likely you aren’t a physical type that he sees himself with (but is actually sexually attracted to). Does the girlfriend look a lot different than you? One friend of mine this happened to was a very curvy brunette, and the girl he ended up engaged to was a skinny athletic redhead. My other friend is Black, and the girlfriend was white. A third friend, I don’t know what the girlfriend looked like, but whatever. She probably had long hair and was a “good girl” who had her life together.

      In all three cases there was this intense but very unhealthy connection and then the guy got involved with someone else but would keep doing what you describe, even physically cheating on the girlfriend.

      This never goes ANYWHERE good, it just destroys your self esteem and mental health. If you try to tell the girlfriend what’s going on, what will likely happen is you’ll look like a crazy and vengeful ex and she won’t believe you. And you’ll feel worse about yourself. And the guy still won’t want to be with you. Do it if you want, but it’s not going to have any positive effect in any way. EDIT: I just read it again and realized you don’t have any proof AND it’s been months. Let this go. Don’t do anything. Block and move on.

      What you really have to do is pick yourself up, block him from all forms of contact and socials, and *move on* and find a guy who wants you for you.

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by Kate.
    #1096253 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    Also, just so you understand, he said he’d leave his girlfriend because he got caught up in the extremely intense emotional drama you were giving him. On some level he likes that because it validates him. Like, this girl is so fucking crazy for my dick, she’s begging me to leave my girlfriend. He never had any intention of doing that. So then he told you whatever lies (she’s pregnant! I’m going to kill myself!) he thought of to get you to back off. It’s pure manipulation and you’re falling for it every time. You need to smack yourself and wake up.

    #1096259 Reply
    Fyodor
    Guest

    Stay away from the girlfriend. It will do you no good to further enmesh yourself in this guy’s drama. And honestly it’s not your business. Cut off all contact. Block him on social media and move on.

    #1096263 Reply
    Prognosti-gator
    Participant

    You were never “friends with benefits” with this guy because you were never “friends” at all. Friends actually care about each other’s well being. He hasn’t done that. He’s trying to keep you on the line enough for sex on the side, but has no problem stringing you along, using you, hurting you, and lying to you. This isn’t what friends do.

    Don’t worry about his girlfriend. This is just you getting pulled further into this guy’s orbit. Just get away from him and his drama. Block him everywhere (phone, social) and get him completely out of your head.

    #1096267 Reply
    ktfran
    Participant

    Well, they also weren’t friends w/ benefits because the LW was in love with him. That kind of one-sided, emotional relationship will never work. You can’t do the FWB thing if you have feelings for someone. You just can’t.

    Anyway, what everyone else said. I’d stay away from the girlfriend. This guy used you and continues to string you along for sex and because he likes the attention. He’s a dick. Block him.

    #1096268 Reply
    anonymousse
    Participant

    This guy is bad in all kinds of ways but manipulating you by threatening suicide is really, really shitty. I really hope you understand how much he does not care about your feelings. He purposefully fucks with your feelings because he enjoys it. He wasn’t a friend, he never loved or cared about you. I know that really hurts. Please completely block him and delete him from your life.

    #1096273 Reply
    LisforLeslie
    Guest

    Oh yeah – you need to drop this guy. He will come crawling back, begging you, because you validate him. You are always there waiting in the wings, you stroke his ego. It’s not because he loves you – it’s because he loves that you love him. He doesn’t actually care about you. To him, you are more like a nice motorcycle that he can ride when the weather is good but as soon as the garage door is closed, he doesn’t give it another thought. And if he had to make a choice between his car and his motorcycle, he’s going to pick the car every time.

    If you do quit this guy, and he comes begging – know that nothing will change. He knew you were free to date. He chose to date someone else. He is fine manipulating you (I’ll kill myself if you leave me) and he will suck you dry until there is nothing left of you.

    Please drop this person and do your best to get mentally healthier.

    #1096275 Reply
    Cookie
    Guest

    I had to LOL at the amount of intense drama here from the both of you. Crying for days because you “can’t” be together and threatening suicide at the idea that his forever side piece might move on?

    It’s not that hard to be with someone if you want to- he’s not trapped in a tower by a dragon. Just move on, cut him off and don’t make a bigger fool of yourself. He’s not your friend so don’t be “nice”. Literally dating a cat would be an upgrade from this guy.

    #1096277 Reply
    Ange
    Guest

    I highly doubt your intentions to tell the girlfriend are all about her well being, if that was the case you wouldn’t have entertained the idea of dating her boyfriend behind her back for so long. And why do you even want this bloke? He’s shown you he’ll cheat on a partner if it suits him. I can promise you right now you won’t be that special woman whose love changes him into a good man.

    Walk away, stop letting yourself get caught up in this soap opera nonsense. The girlfriend will find out what he’s like eventually and if you’re lucky you won’t get caught in the fallout.

    #1096306 Reply
    Adelaide
    Guest

    Yes, yes, yes. Been on both side of this. It doesn’t end well. Find a MAN who doesn’t leave you hanging. He’s just not into you. Hardest thing I ever heard, but best advice for sure.

    #1096324 Reply
    bloodymediocrity
    Participant

    This sounds intense and I’m sure it is to feel, but the solution is actually very simple: block him from your life forever.

    He’s brought you nothing but pain (and maybe some orgasms, but that was years ago at this point). He’s not doing anything good for you at all. He’s just stringing you along. He’s lying to you. All he wants is to keep you as a side-piece.

    This dude sucks.

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