Home › Forums › Advice & Chat › Ex keeps texting me after a breakup?
- This topic has 9 replies, 2 voices, and was last updated 11 months ago by Paul.
My ex and I broke up. It was somewhat amicable. A couple days after he asked me if I wanted to stop talking completely. I told him it doesn’t matter and I’m surprised he even asked. He responded, “I don’t intend to cut you off.”
Throughout the week he’s been consistently texting me…telling me about his day, sending pictures of his work (he’s active duty), texting me as soon as he gets back from w.e task—basically he’s just been updating me about his day and asks me about mine. At first I responded dryly which didn’t deter him at all. Instead, he continued to text me good morning and a bunch of other routine messages. It felt really weird because…we broke up?
I had to create a boundary and told him that since he wanted to break up (he made the ultimate decision) then broken up is what we need to be. I also told him that I felt like he was just keeping me around for comfort while he went off and did his own thing. He said that’s not what he was doing, yet failed to say anything else.
I know I didn’t close the door for communication at first, but I didn’t expect him to be so frequent with his messages. It kind of hurts because it feels like the breakup didn’t mean anything to him and I don’t mean anything to him. That’s why it’s so easy to just text me like everything is normal.
Why was he texting me so frequently and normally like we never broke up? Am I just overthinking? Was he using me for comfort to help him move on easily? What the hell is wrong with guys?!peggyGuest
Hi. You said it was amicable but even so one person is usually more upset or hurt than the other. This happened to me. He provoked a fight and then broke it off. Then he would keep texting me…similar to your experience. In my case it was devastating every time he texted because I wanted to be with him. His texts were not specific about regret and getting back together. Just stuff that was confusing ,like “I saw” X” and thought of you.
I would just be starting to move on and forget about him and then he would text something and get me upset and confused again. He started to say how much ‘he cared but he could not do me justice’.
Anyway. it did nothing but cause stress to me and I still do not know what he intended, if anything. Here is what I said. ” By your choice, we are no longer in a relationship, please, do not contact me again. He sent back a one word “sad expression”. And, yay, I never heard from him again and was able to move on to better.
Stop thinking about why etc. Who knows or cares, if it is not solving anything or changing the situation. You don’t say if he has stopped messaging now, but I hope so. If not, just delete or block him and do not respond to anything else from him. I now know that for me, he was just not a great guy or match and I am glad it ended. Good luck…look forward not backward.KateKeymaster
This is a pretty normal thing guys do. Maybe women too but I never dated women. What happened was, you agreed to a breakup, and you agreed that communication is all right. So that puts him in a position where you’ve absolved him of all boyfriend responsibility, that pressure to be a good boyfriend is no longer there, and you’ve made yourself available to communicate outside of those constraints. If he lived near you, he’d probably be coming over and having sex with you if you let him. Guys are often happy to take the good things they got from a relationship- sex, companionship, a listening ear – without the commitment. If you let them, they’re cool with that. And often the conversation and sex after a breakup can feel really great, but you have to understand it’s because all the pressure of being partners has been removed.
You should go no contact for 60 days. This “talking” is a recipe for staying in limbo and getting hurt.KateKeymaster
And I fell into this trap countless times. I’d break up with my exes and they’d be all, ooohhhh, let’s talk, and they’d show me this side of themselves that was so great to talk to, and wanted me, and the breakup sex was good, and I’d think oh shit, we must be meant to be, we can make this work. Nope. As soon as you “try again,” it’s the same shit, even worse.LisforLeslieGuest
Sometimes people still want to use people as their emotional support system. I think it’s pretty common. Plus, even though he wanted to break up – he probably didn’t want to hurt you. The simple logic is if we’re still friends, then that person isn’t that hurt. And if we’re still friends, then I can call to chat.
Plus I think movies and TV make it seem sooooo easy to just move from dating back to friends. Kate’s suggestion of a 60 day (minimum) no contact period is a good idea.anonymousseParticipant
Yeah, go no contact.FyodorGuest
No contacts with exes after a breakup. Bad for you and bad for him.ronGuest
“It kind of hurts because it feels like the breakup didn’t mean anything to him and I don’t mean anything to him.”
This is just another version of measuring what the relationship was at its best, or whether he truly ever cared for you, and ultimately your self-worth, based upon: how much he appears to be grieving, how long it takes him to date someone else, and now — how much he pleasantly texts you as if nothing happened. You can’t tell anything about yourself or the quality of your relationship when it was good from any of these things, because we all react to loss in our own semi-unique way.
If I had to guess, he texts because he doesn’t want you to be totally gone from his life. Everyone above is correct, this continued texting isn’t helping either of you to recover from the breakup. Tell him to stop. If he doesn’t, block him. And don’t contact him. If you are truly done with him, then you really shouldn’t care what he thinks and shouldn’t be trying so hard to figure out what he is thinking.
“What the hell is wrong with guys?!” You gave permission for him to stay in contact. You never told him the contact was too frequent and bothered you. Texts are easy to ignore or block. Why haven’t you.anonymousseParticipant
A guy will use you for attention, a sounding board, sexting, whatever he can get from you. Some guys like to leave you confused and wondering because it leaves them in the position of power in the dynamic. They do what they can get away with. He is not a mysterious puzzle that’s hard to crack, I promise. Stop wondering why and just stop him from contacting you. You don’t have to be friends or friendly with any ex.PaulGuest
Now, stop girl, relax. 1. Probably he doesn’t have another thing to do, and he just walks with you because he’s very bored. 2. Probably he wants to reconquest or pass his time with you because still loves you (like you still feeling things). 3. You need to talk with him and ask for this thing, probably it’s a kind of carry-on the change and the broke up.