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Ex wife issues, any advice on plans for the future?

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  • This topic has 17 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 8 months ago by avatarNicole.
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  • #863927 Reply
    LowWilliam Loftin

    Background- met my ex-wife about 8 years ago when I was in school. She was seeing someone at the time so we just became friends for over a year. I was drinking pretty heavy at the time so I would see her at the bar almost every weekend. Just after a year or so she starts coming to the bar pretty beat up. Domestic violence. I try to get her to go somewhere, her sisters, a shelter, her grandma’s out of state. She wanted to stay at my place. I didn’t want to put myself in a position where I could take advantage of this woman, she is my friend but she ended up staying at my apartment for several months..eventually we got in a relationship.

    She is 5 years younger than me and I was worried I couldn’t keep up with her sexually. We were having sex several times a day sometimes at the clubs we went out to. After about 7 or so months of this things cooled down to something I could keep up with like 2 or 3 times a week. About a year passes and I’m about to graduate and I am in love with her. I ask if she would consider moving to Texas with me to stay at my mother’s until I pass the bar exam. She agreed. We were married 6 months later.

    I unfortunately didn’t pass the bar exam so I was working in factories untill I could retake the exam. I ended up working for a propane delivery company. Lots of hours but we needed the money to pay for our own apartment and bills. She looked for work but didn’t find anything for over a year.

    I am pretty sure this is around the time our marriage started failing. I was working 60+ hours a week and didn’t have much time to do anything with her.i wanted to but when you only have 8 hours to sleep before you have to leave for work you are pretty limited.the sex dropped off to once a month or less.

    I haven’t been drinking since I got the propane delivery job but I was feeling really strange. Eventually I had a panic attack and passed out. I thought it was a heart attack. The hospital diagnosed me with PTSD from the time I was in the army in Iraq.

    At first
    my wife was pretty understanding. The put me on terminal leave and then unemployment at work. I filed for both social security and va disability. Social security was approved but the VA benefits were rated at 50% which is low since I was unable to work. It’s on appeal still like 6 years later. I took a lot of counseling at the VA on how to survive living wth PTSD I had been using drinking and bar fights to cope with my problems. Now I was on slot of pills. I started isolationg myself in my room for extended periods of were not sleeping on the same room anymore because she said I move around in my sleep too much snore and scream too often.she got a job at Walmart that helped a lot with the bills but sex was down to maybe once every 3 or 4 months

    Long story shorter, we had a baby girl in 2015. Things between us were deteriorating fast. We went to a marriage counselor for almost a the end he said that if we weren’t willing to put in the work there wasn’t much he could do for us.i think he said that because my ex wife wouldn’t do the “homework” he wanted us to do every week.we decided to see a gynocologist to see if there was a hormonal problem. He said there was and she would have to take shots every three months to fix the hormone problem. She refused to do this.

    At this point I am truly at a loss.i have talked to her and explains that sex was very important to me in a marriage. I could deal with less sex if we at least slept in the same room so I could hold her at night. She wasn’t interested in doing this at all. Finally I told her if she is unwilling to work on the lack of sex problem I would get a divorce. She said “everything is workable my fine, your dick is your own problem. I filed for divorce and got residential custody of our daughter.

    This is where it gets really where. I still love her, as much as when we first got married. She said she would need awhile to get on her feet and find a new job/apartment and I said that was fine. I also thought it would be good for our daughter to have her mother around.

    Well for the first year and a half she went through 3 jobs and has paid 0 of the 600 a month she agreed to pay for rent. I finally told her she had to move out since she just got a decent paying job. She looked around and the only places she considered liveable we’re about 1200 a month. Way outside her price range.

    So she asked me if I would build a “grandma” house out back for her to live in and she would start paying the 600 rent.

    I am honestly considering it for a couple reasons,
    1. I still lover her and hope one day we could get back together
    2. It is good for her to be around her daughter, good for them both.
    I am worried that I am he my used. I can see where she has used me in the past and I find it strange that she seems to want the have sex with me a few days before she asks me to loan her money for something. How bad would like to be if I just built the house and let her live there? Even if she paid rent sporadicly it would eventually pay off what it will cost me to build. It seems like the alternative is making her leave and be homeless. I don’t think I could do that to my daughters mother, and a woman who I still love.

    To be clear there has never been any domestic abuse between. My ex or myself. We have had some about to my matches but never around our daughter. For the most part we get all my fairly well now.

    Any advice is welcome.

    #863928 Reply
    LowWilliam Loftin

    Auto correct messed up quite a bit in there sorry!

    #863995 Reply

    You are proposing to lock yourself into a highly dysfunctional situation. “… but I still love her” is a very strong reason not to do this, not a valid reason to do this. You can’t progress your life with her this close.

    Btw, building her apartment won’t be cheap and you know as well as I do that she will ever pay rent and you will never evict her. You also know that she will never be your gf.

    Maybe a little harsh, but 100% accurate, and in your mind you know that.

    #864009 Reply

    She’ll never pay the rent. She’s paid nothing so far and that won’t change. She’ll continue to borrow money and use sex as needed to get you to do what she wants. I wouldn’t build a flat in the back for her. It doesn’t sound like you can afford that anyway. Also, what does the zoning allow where you live. Can you have two separate residences on one property?

    #864029 Reply

    No. Do not build a flat for her behind your home. It doesn’t matter if you can afford the financial hit that you will take – because we all know she will never pay any rent or contribute to the upkeep of the property. She will financially suck you dry. She is doing it already.

    Let’s think about that flat you want to build her in your backyard….her own little place. How the hell do you think you, and your daughter, are going to feel when she starts bringing men home to her little flat behind your house? Because it will happen. She will parade those men around in front of your just to rub it in that she is having sex with them and not with you.

    She emotionally yanks you around now…offering sex and intimacy when she wants something. Withholding it when you don’t do what she wants. So why on earth would you subject yourself to this situation.

    Suggestion one – get back into therapy to you help navigate the end of this relationship.

    Suggestion two – let her find an apartment within her means…she has champagne taste on a beer budget and it is not your responsibility to support her anymore.

    This is not an emotionally healthy situation for you. You have PTSD. You have a daughter to raise… therapy. Please.

    #864088 Reply

    Thank you for the replies! I think you are right. I think I knew deep down it wasn’t a good idea I just needed to get an opinion from people outside the situation.

    I go to see a psychiatrist at the VA hospital every two weeks, I honestly haven’t thought about discussing relationship issues with her. We usually do CPT therapy. I will bring all this up with her next week and get her advice on it and how to really end this messed up situation with my ex wife.

    I am not sure how to create some distance from her. The whole idea of a separate little house came up when she was looking for an apartment. My daughter went with her to look at a few and came back crying that she didn’t want me to kick mamma out. I didn’t really have an answer for her so I just said I would figure something out.

    I guess I keep hoping that my ex and I will eventually get back together. I know that’s not very smart as she has shown me over and over again that she doesn’t feel the same way about me that I feel about her. It’s hard to move on I guess.

    Again I really appreciate the replies, it helps a lot to have outside opinions. I don’t always trust what I think or feel anymore.

    #864100 Reply
    avatarMiss MJ

    “My daughter went with her to look at a few and came back crying that she didn’t want me to kick mamma out.”

    You know this is most likely because your ex put that thought in her head, right? She manipulated your daughter to try to manipulate you. That’s such a toxic situation for your daughter to be placed in. Not your fault, and I’m not clear what your custody situation is, but I’d also recommend therapy for your daughter if she spends much time with her mother and is exposed to this stuff. Unfortunately, you can’t really force your ex into therapy, too. But if she’s willing, she should go, too.

    #864101 Reply
    avatarMiss MJ

    Also, let go of getting back with your ex. Your focus needs to be on your child and what will bring stability and peace into your lives. You continuing whatever this is with your ex isn’t going to do that.

    #864111 Reply

    Yeah, to echo MMJ, I can’t imagine how painful this is for you, but your number one responsibility right now is creating a safe and stable environment for your child. You will NEVER be able to do this as long as you have a foot in the water with your wife. Do not try to get back together with your wife and do not let her use the hope of that to extract concessions and benefits from you.

    #864149 Reply

    We have joint custody with me as residential parent, so my daughter will stay with me whatever my ex does. I didn’t think she would upset Freya like that on purpose. I just assumed she told her she was going to move out and my daughter got dad was kicking her out from that.

    I really don’t want to believe she would hurt our daughter on purpose like that. I have always tried to be the best parent I can for my daughter. It is difficult dealing with my mental health issues but I have been able to make things work by setting alerts on my phone to ensure I make her meals on time, baths and going outside as much as possible. I feel really horrible about isolating her so much when she was younger and have been going to the gym for the past year and a half because they have a daycare where she can socialize with other kids for at least an hour a day. Going out in public places has been a severe struggle for me but I do it so she can have that time with her friends.

    This has given me a whole new perspective on my relationship with my ex. I will be having a discussion with her about this. It is unacceptable to use her like that.

    I imagine my ex will say she never told her I was kicking her out, is there anyway I can know for sure she told her that? This pisses me off. I am going to wait a couple of days before I talk to the ex as I want to have a calm discussion not a shouting match.

    #864151 Reply

    You have no proof and don’t want your daughter in the middle, so make no accusations about this.

    #864243 Reply

    Difficult situation. I wouldn’t entertain the idea to maintain an unclear link with her. I would work on moving towards a good and functional co-parenting while divorcing. Why wouldn’t you go both to a family therapist and discuss the divorce? Your aim now is to convince her to move on, to become independent, to find a small flat and to manage the coparenting with you.You can part while still loving her as a person but knowing it is never going to work with her as a couple. Give your best try to make it work as ex-partners and co-parents.
    Yes, speak of your situation with your personal therapist! That will be of considerable help for you.

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