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Exclusive Friends with benefit?

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This topic contains 29 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by avatar JD 3 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #739222 Reply
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    kylie

    The guy that i recently met is looking for an exclusive friend with benefit relationship – anyone has such relationship before? We just casually hung out few times with no sex yet, just making out and some cuddles, and he said he is not interested in casual hookups because sex without feelings is meaningless. Seemed he was very genuine and really into me, so I finally asked him what he was looking for – and he answered he is looking for a exclusive friends with benefit (and if it develops more he would ask her out)

    I was really not familiar with such concept, since i believed fwb usually does not involve feelings. I asked him in return whether it’s basically same as a relationship, but he said its a bit different – there’s less responsibilities/commitments, and its understood that both have different priorities, or might be busy, etc.

    I am not necessarily looking for a serious relationship at the moment, but more like Im open to see how things go. But I was just a bit confused – is he just being selfish that he wants to be single and have options available, so that he can move on when he finds the one, but simply does not want to share me with others? Or he likes me but its too soon to see if we are compatible and become gf/bf so thats why he was labeling it such way?

    So i told him I am a bit confused with the term and Ive never had a friend with benefit, telling him that fwb usually is not exclusive. Also I told him for me, when i see someone else I see how it goes, and when it doesnt seem like working then I just stop seeing him. I suggested he might want to see someone else since I just personally think its wrong to have a friends with benefit (since I dont do sex without feelings), but he said he doesnt have sex without feelings either, telling me to just forget the term “friends with benefit,” saying we both actually mean the same thing but simply our vocabularies are different.

    It got a bit awkward after this conversation, and I suggested him seeing another person again, but at the end we agreed on just seeing how these things go. He texted me thank you for the night. But the next day he stopped texting me for few days but keeps liking my facebook posts or comments, which makes me really very confused.

    Just few questions: what does exclusive friends with benefit mean to men in general? Are they just wanting to have sex exclusively without commitments? Or is it basically a relationship with denial (im not good enough for him to be his gf?) If anyone has experienced such relationship, how did it work and usually ended up?

    Also, why would he stop texting me but liking my posts and comments? I didnt try to text or talk to him first either, but I am just confused about his actions.

    #739226 Reply
    juliecatharine
    Juliecatharine

    Don’t be confused, he’s just not that into you. If you’re willing to be exclusive to him with zero expectations he will kindly have sex with you. Gee, what a prize.

    #739239 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    Just few questions: what does exclusive friends with benefit mean to men in general? Are they just wanting to have sex exclusively without commitments?

    Yes. They don’t want YOU to be able to bang other guys, but they don’t want any commitment or responsibility of a relationship.

    Or is it basically a relationship with denial (im not good enough for him to be his Gf)

    No. It’s not a relationship.

    If anyone has experienced such relationship, how did it work and usually ended up?

    I can tell you he’s openly trying to meet other women.

    Also, why would he stop texting me but liking my posts and comments? I didnt try to text or talk to him first either, but I am just confused about his actions.

    He’s punishing you for questioning him, by pulling back. He probably hopes you’ll be all hurt and contact him to say you’re cool with his terms. He’s hanging around your periphery so you can tell him you changed your mind, but he’s not going to bother talking to you if you don’t want the bogus “exclusive FWB” sex with him.

    #739246 Reply
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    ron

    Exclusive, but no dates and zero expectations allowed to you. Probably he has another woman, whom he is dating or married to. This keeps you in a tight little box with minimal chance of being seen in public with him where the other woman or her friends might see you, does away with requests to meet his friends and family, leaves no paper trail and when he is ready to move on from you, it’s just like you never happened. Total secrecy. The exclusive part keeps you available and avoids the possibility of you catching an STD from another guy. If you ever want something from him — well that’s limited to women he’s actually dating and you agreed to the no dates, no expectations, no feelings, zero commitments, so your want/need is your weakness and deviation from the agreed arrangement. You have to admire his audacity. The thing with the texting is pure manipulation. He is deciding whether you are sufficiently malleable for his purposes.

    #739253 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    You could be right, Ron, but I think this kind of “Youre sleeping with me exclusively but that’s it” thing is becoming more common with the young guys. It is audacious AF, you’re right. He’s asking for you to be available whenever he wants sex, so he doesn’t have to compete with any other guys in the picture, while he’s free to pursue other women. That’s what it is. Fuck that. Find a real FWB with no expectations, or find a boyfriend. Don’t let guys get away with this shit.

    #739268 Reply
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    Essie
    Participant

    Yeah, I read it as, he wants you to be available for sex, but the “no responsibilities/commitments” means he doesn’t want to be bothered with treating you like a girlfriend, or putting any effort into the relationship beyond, say, ordering a pizza after he has sex with you.

    What it boils down to is that he doesn’t see you as girlfriend material, but he wouldn’t mind boning you occasionally, as long as you don’t get all naggy and demanding.

    It sure doesn’t sound appealing to me.

    #739298 Reply
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    JD

    It does sound like he isn’t in to you. Never go into any friends with benefits thinking it will be ANYTHING other than sex. “But he might change his mind…” No. He won’t. Pigs MIGHT also fly, don’t count on it.

    I was in a relationship for a long time that was friends with benefits where we were exclusive to each other. If one of us started dated someone we stopped and when that ended we started again. Neither of us would sleep with anyone else when we were doing our thing. This required an INSANE amount of honesty, security in yourself and the relationship, NO jealousy. I could go on. It was rare and highly unlikely to work. He eventually fell in love with me, which I never saw coming some how and without going into insane detail we both ended up heartbroken.

    #739300 Reply
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    MMR

    I don’t believe this guy actually thinks it’s possible to have feelings involved in sex, but not outside the bedroom. He’s setting you up so you’ll be hopelessly devoted to him, while he can still claim that he was honest and upfront with you and owes you nothing.

    He definitely “wants to be single and have options available, so that he can move on when he finds the one, but simply does not want to share [you] with others.” Or, more likely, to keep you around even after he finds someone else, and try to play you off each other.

    Since you were interested in seeing where things were going with this guy, this is definitely a bad idea. The good news is that now you know: they’re not going anywhere. Do NOT stick around waiting for him to ask you out for real.

    #739305 Reply
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    Bittergaymark

    This would be an odd arrangement. It’s like all the sexual boredom of a relationship — but none of the perks! 😉

    #739307 Reply
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    Fyodor

    I know people who have done something similar – basically a monogomous FWB situation. Usually it’s people that are super busy with school and want some kind of low-commitment relationship and aren’t comfortable sleeping with someone who is sleeping with someone else. I don’t think that there’s anything inherently presumptuous or wrong with it if both people want something similar but it sounds like it’s a bad fit for the LW.

    #739323 Reply
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    ron

    I love the singular ‘benefit’ in the title of this letter. There is a proposed benefit for him, nothing for her, so ‘friends with benefits’ would over-state the nature of this proposed coupling. And no, I don’t get the impression that this is because they are both so busy. He wouldn’t be so blatantly manipulative with the texting if that were the case.

    #739365 Reply
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    kylie

    Yeah, what was a bit confusing was the part where he said “im looking for a friends with benefit, which is according to you a relationship to you.” So I was wondering maybe he is not sure what he wants yet?

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