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Dear Wendy

Ex’s Belongings

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  • #973019 Reply

    Hi my ex and I broke up several months ago, we have remained in contact ever since. We had issues before the breakup due to his inability to help financially to the household (he’s a contractor so work is not consistent) and his drinking. Over the past few months right after our breakup he made attempts to reconcile or so I think saying “I know what we can still be” even offering to move in together and he would give me his checks. I took these with a grain of salt didn’t reply I went around them, because I didn’t believe he would do anything to change. He wasn’t making concrete plans to spend time with me more of stopping by at his convenience (before work or not spending the night). I got fed up but I admit I have told him I love him and miss him to his I love you’s and missing me. I did it because I do love him but I know he has issues. He has told me several times he is sick (not sure if he meant his drinking or him being a liar). I suspected maybe he had someone else but he says he doesn’t. So the big issue is I have an old car of his in my driveway. Its been there for 2 years, he stopped using it when he lost his license to a DUI. I told him several times to remove it after the breakup. He has not. I just told him I called a junk yard willing to take it away and if he doesn’t pick it up by this week is it OK for me to give it to them. At first he said he didn’t want me to do that, but then said if he can’t pick it up to go ahead. Then he says he is calling a tow truck so I said let me know when you do so I can put your stuff in the car. His response was “Greeeaaattt” “Jesus”! I have no hard feelings towards him but having the car there keeps holding me back. I have people say he is using it as a connection between us. The longer time goes the more I lose faith that we will get back together to a good relationship given these months. I know he is not a stable or responsible person. Why am I feeling guilty about pushing the issue to remove the car. Am I being unreasonable? Texting I love you and I miss you and constantly bringing up the good times can only do so much, if he really wanted me back wouldn’t he be doing everything in his power to win me back? He has identified himself as an alcoholic and tried AA once but left.

    #973021 Reply

    You’re being totally reasonable. He’s being a big manipulative baby. He’s probably still reeling from the breakup but good news: That’s not something you have to worry about! Stick his stuff in the card and block his number.

    #973022 Reply

    I realize that may come off has a bit flippant. I get the sense that you’re worried about him and care about him still even though you’re not together anymore. This is laudable, but it’s prolonging both of you moving on. He’s taking advantage of that compassion to drag you into his alcoholic world.

    Neither of you will be able to move on while he’s able to text you sweet nothings whenever he wants. You need to draw a firm boundary here. Maybe some day in the future when he’s got several years of sobriety under his belt you can be friends, but until that happens this is going to continue.

    #973023 Reply

    “… if he really wanted me back wouldn’t he be doing everything in his power to win me back?”

    Wait, is this about the car or about holding out hope? Do NOT hold out hope. Someone who offers to give you his checks is not a grown-up. ID’ing himself as an alcoholic is not nearly enough.

    Why not have his car towed to his house?

    #973025 Reply

    Here is what I would do,

    I’d send a certified letter to his physical address, like a legal letter, letting him know he has by X date to pick his vehicle and belongings up. I’d be specific about the make/model/year and the belongings you have in your possession. Ex. A White Toyota Camry 1999, a red Nike sweatshirt, etc. And if said belongings are not picked up by X date car and belongings will disregarded. I’d keep a copy of that letter and I would also send a text stating the same message. Id keep records of this as well as previous messages requesting to come get his belongings and car. I’d keep anything that was inside the home in a box until the day you can disregard it.

    You might even want to contact an attorney and look of the state law to be cautious. After all, we aren’t talking about small, minor belongings.

    I’d say give him a month and limit your conversations to the car and belongings. If it has nothing to do with either of those things stop communicating. I think a month would be reasonable.

    Also, why do you want to be with someone so unstable and has an alcohol addiction. Life with addicts can be overwhelming and stressful. I have a sibling that is an alcoholic and the only reason I stay involved in their life is because I love them and I have a connection with them. Their level of help is beyond what any family member can provide. If someone refuses to help themselves, you cant be a hero and save them. Let this guy go.

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 2 weeks ago by avatarKarebear1813.
    #973027 Reply

    Don’t you want more for yourself?
    You need to move on. Give him some notice, like a week or two, and get the car out of there.

    If he loved you, and he wasn’t an alcoholic he’d possibly try to be with you. But that’s not who he is. And he’s not trying to get better. You’ve wasted enough time hoping he’d change. He has to want to, and he just doesn’t. You deserve more than this.

    Get his stuff out of your house and stop answering his calls. Block him, delete, whatever. Good luck.

    #973028 Reply

    Even if he really does love you, that’s not enough. He is an alcoholic who doesn’t want to quit — if he did want to quit, then he would have stuck with AA. He was a financial drain on you and that likely would continue. He has refused to invest significant time or effort in winning you back. He might really care, just not enough to make the effort. He’s all words. The car is a ruse.

    #973035 Reply

    Thank you. It helps to hear this and I know he is refusing to better himself. He comes from a family of alcoholics. I guess the fact he told me he quit drinking for 2 years when he was in his 20’s gave me hope that he would be able to do it again. I know love is not enough. I am giving him till this week to pick up the car and then I will contact the junkyard to remove it. I have kept the text messages between us regarding the car in the event he tries to sue me, which I do not believe he will but you never know.
    Unfortunately, I do not know where he is living so I am unable to have the car towed to him. I know where his mother lives but he said he is not staying there and hasn’t been on good terms with his mother the past few months. Which was a constant foundation for his drinking binges. I grew up with heavy drinkers and for me it was a bit normal to see someone drinking heavily on certain days. However when his behavior when drunk became insulting and embarrassing, I knew I couldn’t deal with this. He told me his drinking didn’t bother me when we first met and he is right, but after awhile it did get too much and that is what I tried to explain to him. He himself has said he doesn’t deserve me and he is right.

    #973038 Reply

    What’s your ~theory~ on where he’s living?

    Mine would be: with whatever side chick he had before you kicked him out.

    I don’t know how old you are, but you’re only hurting yourself by clinging to beliefs like someone will stop drinking because they told you they once did. When you grew up around alcoholics and you’re dating an alcoholic. Who lies and gets scary and doesn’t support himself. Stop lying to yourself that something might change, just so you don’t have to give up the little affectionate crumbs that you two have.

    #973044 Reply

    Armchair therapist me says that your powerless child self is hoping that you can be the impetus that makes someone stop drinking.

    Stop that toxic thinking. There is only one person who is in control of your ex’s drinking and that’s him. I really recommend Al Anon to get some reinforcement that you are neither the cause, nor the solution to this problem. You know that, but I think you need to hear it on repeat.

    And not for nothing, but addicts and people with emotional baggage are really good about setting themselves up to fail in that “Everybody hates me, no one loves me, guess I’ll go eat worms” kind of way. They play “Welcome to my pity party” and do all of the things that will prove, once and for all, that they are worthless. No matter how much you try to support someone like this, they will continue to push that boundary until they cross that final line, the last person leaves and they can finally say “See! I’m worthless and everyone agrees with me!” Keeping his stuff with you keeps that wound open for him and he can wallow and whine that much longer.

    #973049 Reply

    You might want to try some Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings, to break the pattern of attracting alcoholic people into your life.

    #973108 Reply
    avatarMiss MJ

    Have his car with his stuff inside of it towed to his mother’s house, tell him where it is and block him. He can sort out his shit with his mother to get to his stuff and you need to break all contact.

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