Fading Friends, Feeling Disconnected, Do I go on this trip?

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  • This topic has 4 replies, 2 voices, and was last updated 10 months ago by Avatar photoPhoebe.
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  • Mandi
    July 17, 2023 at 9:24 am #1123831

    I have three friends, all 30 years old. Known for 10 years. Lacey, Jane, and Kate.

    We used to be really close. Going out, girls nights, drinking, sleepovers, activities.

    As we got into our late 20s, I noticed Kate and Lacey were obsessed with getting engaged/married. Our girls nights turned into them gushing about engagement rings, boys, wedding venues, and babies for hours. Jane and I weren’t into that obsessively. I was getting a higher education, as was Jane, and I dated here and there. I was never close to being engaged. Jane and I just felt we couldn’t relate to them.

    Jane gets married first in 2019. She isnt obsessed with being married and still loves to go out and have fun. She eloped, and has a solid marriage. She isn’t rushing babies or anything. She’s happy.

    Kate gets engaged in 2019 and married in 2021. She immediately turns to being not as fun anymore. She’s content being a housewife. Only talks about marriage, home, and babies. She and Lacey like coming over and watching teen romance shows and listening to Taylor Swift. They love reminiscing about stuff they loved in high school. Jane and I just aren’t into that. Most times, I fall asleep watching that stuff. I feel like sometimes Kate and Lacey act juvenile.

    Lacey meets a guy in 2018. He’s terrible. He can’t hold down a job, smokes Marijuana morning until night, has horrible mental health issues, family drama, financial troubles, doesn’t help Lacey at all, and never goes with her to any public outings. I know all of this from Lacey herself. Its not me just guessing. But Lacey fell head over heels for him, brainwashed by his cute face and suave words.

    She gets engaged to him in 2019, practically scheduling the event herself. She even bought the ring. I notice she starts becoming distant after this. She doesn’t like going out anymore and I barely see her. A few times a year for things at my house or an event like a wedding. The conversation is that of an acquaintance.

    Jane and I grow closer, but we don’t feel close to Lacey or Kate anymore. Kate is content being a housewife and now a mother. All she talks about now is breast milk and the babies growth.

    Kate and Lacey aren’t bad people, life is just changing.

    Lacey eloped in 2020 secretly. Then was determined to have a dream wedding sometime after.

    She asks me to be a bridesmaid in 2020. I didn’t realize her wedding was not going to be for three years.

    Jane and I feel distant from Lacey and a bit from Kate all through 2020, 2021, and 2022. I thought I was growing really close to Kate. But I think it was me putting in so much effort and if I stop, I think I’ll barely see her.

    Well now Lacey is having her dream wedding, after being married for three years. She wants us to gush over her like she isn’t married. Now, I know people who have a wedding 6 months to a year after elopement, but not three years.

    She plans this elaborate destination wedding. Jane and I cannot go. Its too far and too expensive. Lacey understood it was a big ask.

    But she’s also having a bridal shower and bachelorette party nearby.

    Jane and I are pinned down for both of these events. So Jane and I go in on a gift for her shower. Lacey’s sister then tries to pin me down to help make desserts and help out early before the shower. I acted extremely busy. I just wanted to be a guest there. Jane and I show up. It was so awkward. We felt awkward. I could tell they were unhappy I didn’t help. Jane begged me to take her home, she felt so out of place. Barely no one spoke to her. Jane feels Lacey and Kate don’t know her. I definitely see that.

    Then Lacey drops on us that days after the bachelorette trip, she and her husband are moving away, 10 hour drive. (Jane and I haven’t seen her husband since 2019)

    Jane and I have the bachelorette party trip in three weeks. A weekend vacation we each paid $150 for.

    Jane drops out. She says she can’t spend a weekend feeling so awkward with them. She doesn’t care about the money. She forfeits it. She says she can’t invest any more into a friendship that isn’t there. We will easily spend $150 to $200 more whilst there.

    Honestly, I don’t want to invest any more either.

    Now Lacey is mad at Jane. They think she’s crazy. Lacey and Kate have me driving them on this trip in my car. Jane just thinks they are using me for more bodies and a driver.

    I’ve been friends with Lacey and Kate for 10 years, but I feel disconnected, especially from Lacey.

    I want to back out of the trip. I’ll take a loss on money. But I don’t want to hurt Lacey’s feelings. I’m trying to be a good person. With her moving though, I will probably barely see her again, and it’s doubtful she’ll jump into all wedding stuff from a distance when it’s my turn.

    What do I do?

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    Avatar photo
    July 17, 2023 at 10:04 am #1123832

    It sounds like some of these friendships and this friend group has run its course. That’s okay, you don’t have to force it. People change a lot in their 20s as they figure out who they are, what they value, what they want out of life. And yes, marriage and babies can change friendships, too.

    If this were me, I’d prob have already slow faded this friendship and friend group. My decision to go to this bachelorette party or not would hinge on what kind of friendship I wanted moving forward. If you’re fine ending the friendship entirely, sure, back out. It’s not the end of the world if you do and it doesn’t make you a bad person — from what’s written, you don’t like these women anymore. If you’d like to stay friendly in the future, I’d go on this trip and fade out after.

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    Avatar photo
    July 17, 2023 at 12:44 pm #1123836

    If you go on this weekend trip, you’ll be miserable and will resent the time and money it’s costing you, which will further damage this already broken friendship. Just back out now and save yourself all that. It’ll surely end the friendship forever, and give Lacey and Kate gossip fodder but the friendship is already over. And any hurt feelings Lacey has will be processed as anger, which will be more palatable for Lacey. And she’ll probably enjoy gossiping about you with Kate for years to come. If you can handle that and think it’s worth getting out of spending a weekend with them, then there’s your guide.

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    LisforLeslie
    July 18, 2023 at 5:18 am #1123850

    I think your best option here is the “unexpected emergency”. Maybe it’s a work emergency where you have to work through the weekend otherwise you might not be employed in a month or maybe it’s a family emergency where you have to help a parent out unexpectedly. Or maybe you get the flu. Hell, it could be a nasty case of pink eye. Just text a day or so before the weekend that something is up but you’re going to do your best to take care of it before the weekend and then a disappointed text where you did your best but there is no way you could possibly go.

    They may not believe you but that might be easier than dealing with a nonsensical weekend. Just don’t post on social media for a couple of days to not throw anything in their faces.

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    Avatar photo
    Phoebe
    July 19, 2023 at 11:26 am #1123882

    I like that option. You can wish her a warm very best in your “can’t go” text and who knows, they may all be relieved as well if it was as awkward as you’re describing at the party.

    Reply
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Fading Friends, Feeling Disconnected, Do I go on this trip?

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