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Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Family drama and dealing with my husbands creepy cousin

Home Forums Advice & Chat Family drama and dealing with my husbands creepy cousin

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  • #1109158 Reply
    Stephanie
    Guest

    I’m going to try to keep this post as sweet and simple as I can…

    My husband and I have been together for a little over 6 years. The first year we were dating was rough and he ended up having to go to rehab for 6 months because he became addicted to pain killers (Been sober since!) During those 6 months while he was away I still went to all of his family events and holidays. During one family event his cousin came up to me asking if he can send me a message on messenger to ask questions about him and how he’s doing in rehab. So of course I was polite and said yes. He started off messaging me acting like he really was concerned about him and then all of a sudden it got inappropriate fast. Starting making remarks about how I was very attractive, and every time I’m around he tries to imagine what I look like under my clothes. I stopped messaging him instantly. Thanksgiving came and he was there and I tried to avoid him as much as possible but he literally followed me upstairs into their bathroom and tried to come in with me. Luckily he heard someone coming up the stairs and he walked off. Ever since that has happened, I’ve had anxiety about being around him. He has “accidently” touched my butt several times, and has tried to secretly rub up against me in the pool. When my husband returned up and was sober for a while I told him about all of it and how I was no longer comfortable enough to go to family events where he will be present. My husband was furious, and told his parents about it. His mother was upset but then STILL said “that’s just how he is.” My husband told them it was not acceptable and we would not go on the family vacations anymore if they choose to invite him. We have not been on any vacations with them in the last 4 years because they choose to invite him. We have made it very clear if we are over his parents hanging out and they don’t tell us that he’s coming over that we will leave. My husbands sister recently got married and his cousin was invited (which is fine, I’m going to put it aside so I can be there on her wedding day) but she is starting to invite him to everything again. We are just in a bad situation and I’m loosing respect for his family because it feels like their choosing his cousin over their own son/brother.

    #1109161 Reply
    Helen
    Guest

    How infuriating. You’re already doing the right things, keep refusing to be around him and be honest about why. “That’s just the way he is” is the attitude that allows pervs to continue to perv on their own family. It is gross and I’d lose respect for them too

    #1109162 Reply
    Kate
    Guest

    It’s gross, but unfortunately not unusual. A lot of times people (and I’m side-eyeing women) won’t admit that male relatives are super problematic, even when you give them evidence. They just aren’t having it.

    #1109163 Reply
    Stephanie
    Guest

    Yeah I cannot believe his mother used that line. “That’s just how he is” does NOT make it ok. We are very cautious when they ask us to come over on Sunday’s especially in the summer because they have a nice in ground pool and they invite all of them over and one weekend she asked us to come over and my husband asked if “he” would be there and she said “yes..I wish you wouldn’t stop living your lives because of him.” I have never heard my husband snap back at his mom like he did that day on the phone. We simply do not want to be around him and she’s choosing her nephew over her son. Period.

    #1109164 Reply
    Stephanie
    Guest

    I’ve noticed that a lot..his mother and both sisters do that. They act like nothing happened. But if it was reversed and some guy did that to one of them it would be a whole different story.

    #1109169 Reply
    LisforLeslie
    Guest

    The easiest thing to do is just call out the behavior as creepy or unwanted every.single.time.

    Dude – don’t touch my butt.
    Stop following me – it’s creepy as hell.
    Stop being a creep.
    You’re being creepy as fuck – stop it.

    He’s relying on you to be “nice” and not embarrass him or call it out. Call it out every. single. time.

    #1109171 Reply
    PassingBy
    Guest

    Unfortunately, there’s nothing you can do to make his family change their behaviour. If they’re condoning the cousin’s behaviour, avoiding them makes sense.

    I’m really glad to hear that your husband is supporting you.

    #1109173 Reply
    anonymousse
    Participant

    I’m really glad your husband is supporting you. His parents suck. They are choosing their nephew over their son, and that’s really sad. I’m sorry you have to deal with this, but just keep reminding yourself that you did nothing wrong, you are doing nothing wrong, they are enabling and protecting a predator. Their behavior is bizarre, not yours.

    #1109179 Reply
    Stephanie
    Guest

    Thank You..I just don’t understand them inviting him to everything. At the end of the month my nephew in law is graduating high school and of course she invited the creepy cousin to the graduation party. I told my husband I would feel awful if i didn’t attend the party but I also don’t want to keep going back on my word. I feel like the more I put my feelings aside and just show up even with him there that they will start inviting him to more and more things again the summer. We have done so well in not putting ourselves in situations where he would show up somewhere. I’ve only had to get around him once that was for his sisters wedding and i did not get anywhere near him. Plus he had a women with him (flavor of the month as we call it)

    #1109180 Reply
    Stephanie
    Guest

    I completely agree with you…If he was to do it again I would definitely call him out. But we have been very cautious about going to family events if we know there is a possibility he can show up. I have only had to see him once in the last 2 years and that was because of of my sister in laws wedding.

    #1109197 Reply
    ron
    Guest

    “They are choosing their nephew over their son,”

    It still stinks, but likely LW’s mother doesn’t care all that much about the cousin,but is desperate to maintain a relationship with her sibling, who has decreed “include my son or I’ll never speak to you again”. She expects that her son and LW will come around, but that her sibling never would. It certainly does stink. Likely the family also knows that there is something more fundamental mentally with the cousin than simply misogyny and boorishness, which is why it’s circle the wagons.

    #1109323 Reply
    Phoebe
    Guest

    I’m sorry the family is being so awful to you.

    The next time the MIL says something like “you’re stopping your life,” I’d say something like “well, the alternative is to report him to the police and get a restraining order to avoid assault. We’ve tried to avoid involving the law by not being near him. I’m not safe at your house.”

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