Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Family over Love

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  • This topic has 15 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 1 year ago by Tui.
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  • #1095479 Reply

    I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years. He has two boys 7 and 5. and I have two kids separately. My boyfriend lives with his mom and his kids come over for the weekend and sometimes during the week. They sleep in the living room. The kids call their mom’s house home. They have recently been expressing that they want their dad to be home with them. And a part of my boyfriend wants to give them that. He is very kind hearted selfless man and would do anything for his kids. Unfortunately that includes his ex and him living together. He had a pretty amicable relationship with her but there was just no love. They handled the kids well together but of course there was no affection and loveless sex. They were both very unhappy which lead to their divorce. The kids obviously want their parents together under one roof. I have no way of knowing how that will even remotely work, but a lot is just up on the air right now. He is torn between choosing his family over me. He doesn’t want to lose me. Any suggestions? He says it’s not about his ex it’s about the kids. But in my eyes, it’s hard to see that this would even be an option unless he still has something lingering for his ex.

    #1095480 Reply

    And I want to add that we have a pretty wonderful relationship. We love each other very much and have been talking about marriage and our own home and forever. Unless it was all just fake?

    #1095483 Reply

    As a single parent, I would do anything to make life better/easier for my kids. In this situation, I would try living with my ex again, and I have ZERO feelings for him, and absolutely no desire to be in a relationship with him. I think you have to let him explore this, so you know where you stand; You don’t want to be what stands in his way. Him living with her doesn’t mean you’d have to break up – as long as you believe you can trust him. Best of luck to all of you.

    #1095485 Reply

    The kids seem to react to your presence and try to reunify their parents. He has to be clear with them and with you.
    If he seriously consider returning to his ex’s house, I would let him make a new try and let him go as my partner. This is what it is about, give a new try with his ex, right? If they live together, they are basically together again. If this is just about sharing the same roof, then it has to be very clear that you are in the picture as a couple, and I doubt it.
    Could you for example hang out there? Would his ex have her own partner present under their common roof? If not, you have the answer. He wants to give it a new try, methink. Don’t accept to be just his side dish.
    Think of what you want of this relationship. Then act accordingly. But I don’t buy the “living together just for the sake of the kids”, unless the non-couple situation between the “exes” – or the polyamourous situation – is very clear. I see no clarity here.
    And frankly, if he considers moving back to his ex, your relationship is not that great. It is about to end.

    #1095487 Reply

    When I hear stuff like this, I think the guy should not be dating because he’s basically still married. I think he was never really available but wanted a girlfriend in order to, idk, feel better and validated about himself.

    Even if every word he’s telling you is true, which is unlikely, this guy is not ready to move on from his marriage and be a partner to you. Do not let him be the guy who lives with his ex and also has a girlfriend he goes out and sees. That’s gross, sets a bad and confusing example for the kids, both his and yours, and makes you look a fool. And even if he swore up and down they didn’t sleep together, you wouldn’t believe it, nor should you.

    Regardless of “Lauten’s” comment, it’s not good for kids to have parents who don’t love each other and are miserable, living in the same house and pretending to be a happy couple. That makes no sense. Either these two actually feel something for each other and want to give it another shot, or they should be mature and capable enough to figure something out where the kids spend equal time with mom and dad, but mom and dad both move on with their lives so they can be happy.

    #1095488 Reply

    Also, I had a friend whose “boyfriend” was “divorced” with a kid. He supposedly “lived with” a roommate or something, but he always came over to my friend’s place. I’m pretty sure she never went to his. And he was always dropping everything to “go over to” his “ex’s” house to stay because “his child needed him and was upset.” Yeah. My assumption was that guy was still married or close enough. He eventually broke up with my friend. Make sure you’re not being blind to what’s actually going on. Again, even if everything this guy is telling you is true, you should break up, but I doubt it is.

    #1095491 Reply

    Most five-year-olds also want to fly. Doesn’t mean they get to. He doesn’t sound like a very decisive or in-charge parent if he’s letting his kids call the shots. Why hasn’t he explained the situation to them in an age-appropriate way?

    I don’t buy it.

    #1095496 Reply

    It will surely confuse his children even more if “mommy” and “daddy” move in together, playing house together, and him still seeing you. What dysfunction that is.

    I cant help but think how odd it is that he hasn’t been with their “mommy” in 2yrs but yet, as young as they are, they want “mommy” and “daddy” to be together. It makes me think the children have overheard and/or seen things to believe they will get back together.

    Regardless LW do you want a man to fully commit to a long term relationship with you that looks like moving in together and officially blending your families and taking on the dynamics of a family TOGETHER – which leads to marriage? If so then either he step up in that role or you move on and go find what you want.

    #1095498 Reply

    He also doesn’t sound financially independent. Needs to live with mom or wife.

    #1095499 Reply

    This guy has way too much baggage for you to date. I think you know what to do. It’s why you wrote in here… to find the stress to move on.

    #1095501 Reply


    #1095502 Reply

    Two things struck me:
    1. He lives with his mom – why is he not financially independent?
    2. When his kids come to visit – they have to stay in the living room. Why can’t he set up a air mattress for the kids in his room? Or let them stay in his room and he sleeps in the living room? Why hasn’t he spent time figuring out how to make it more of a home for them?

    What I’m saying is that your bf is making choices about what’s easiest for him, and not necessarily what’s best for his kids. As some others have said – 5 year olds know what they want, but they don’t always know what’s best for them.

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