Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Family problems. Need advice ASAP

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  • #742847

    Okay- here’s the situation.
    Almost 3 weeks ago my boyfriend of 5 years and I moved into a new apartment. Before, we lived in a small studio with our two cats. It was run down and not updated and we were SO happy to have found a new place with all new upgrades and AlOT more space. Not only we’re we excited about not being crammed and unhappy, but just excited about our new journey together in a place we could
    Finally call our home together!
    Well.. my parents have really made it not fun for me. My dad hasn’t said a single word about it to me. No congratulations on the new place, no questions no comments, NOTHING. And it has angered me more than I’d like to admit. My mom has been oKay- occasionally asking me questions and buying me small organizational things.
    BUT- my parents live 30 min with no traffic from my new apartment. His parents live thousands of miles and 7 states north. Here’s the problem: his parents came all the way down, driving 5.5 hours- helped us move an entire weekend, paid our security deposit to help us out, and bought us a bunch of stuff for the house. Its been 3 weeks- my mom has come out one time for 2.5 hours and left early bc she had other stuff to do and my dad has YET to come over and still hasn’t said a single word about it to us at all and we’ve seen him 3-4 times since. It’s been very hurtful and I haven’t been able to understand why. My parents don’t seem to think they’re do
    Anything wrong. They don’t seem to
    Care at all and this is such a huge and exciting time for me. Honestly it’s killed my excitement and only brought me down. I even tried to bring it up to my mom and all I got from that was that I was overreacting and it wasn’t that big of a deal bc we weren’t moving to some big house or something.
    So fast forward to this morning- my mom
    Calls me and asks me for a favor. Her and my dad just bought a beach condo 3.5 hours away. She asked me if I could come up Sunday- Tuesday to help her pack and unpack some stuff, take the drive with her and help her while the contractor and deliveries are coming. In my mind- I don’t think that’s okay. I think it’s rather ballsy to ask if I’m being honest. I do not want to go. I feel so hurt and neglected by my parents actions
    During my move that I can’t even believe they’re asking for my help! But my problem is I’m a people pleaser with extreme a anxiety- especially around my parents and family bc I’ve had a difficult past- inside I feel guilty for not wanting to go. I feel like if I say no and make up an excuse, I’ll be a bad person for lying and feel like an ungrateful person or bad daughter. But the other part of me is telling me that this is SO wrong. There is something about this situation that is totally messed up and I should be able to stand up for myself and say no because of the way they’ve acted towards me the last month with the situations in my life. I’m
    Sitting here driving myself crazy over the situation and everyone in my life has biased opinions. What are your thoughts ? How would you handle it ? Am I just being petty and petulant like a child would be? Help!

    Northern Star

    Is your dad disappointed because you’ve been together five years, you’re moving into another place together, and you’re not talking marriage yet? Mine would be.

    I don’t think your parents (or your boyfriend’s parents) should have been obligated to BUY YOU STUFF for your move. You’re a grown adult. You should have paid for your own security deposit. It’s nice to have help moving, but unless you ASKED (which sounds like you didn’t) and were denied—you had it covered. I think you sound rather entitled.

    Regarding the move: Just say “Sorry, I’m busy that day” if you don’t want to help.


    I get that you’re disappointed but I don’t really get why people should be jumping up and down excited that you moved apartments. People do this all the time. It isn’t that huge of a deal.


    Did you ask them to help you move? Have you invited them over? How old are you?

    My family has never helped me move anywhere. I have also never asked for their help. I don’t see how them not helping you is so hurtful to you.
    I question whether you even needed their help if you lived in a tiny studio…
    Regardless, stop comparing your families.
    To me, it looks like you are hunting for something to be mad at them about.
    And yes, it is no big deal to move into yet another apartment.

    Yet, your mother is asking for your help. And you want to say no to punish her for not helping you…but did you ask her?

    If you have som much anxiety and hurt from your parents, you should talk to a counselor or therapist about it.


    While it’s certainly exciting for you I agree with the above – it is just an apartment. You went from one lesser apartment to a nicer one but still an apartment and sounds like you guys still needed assistance with a security deposit so I do understand a bit why your parents aren’t jumping for joy quite yet. It’s kind of basic adulting with needing and finding a place to live.

    In regards to their move, just tell her no you’re sorry but you just made a move yourself and still not finished unpacking (or too exhausted from unpacking). Have you sought any treatment for your anxiety? I’m guessing this is less about the move and more about underlying issues with your parents.


    Well- first off:
    I don’t need anyone to be jumping up and down giving me an award for moving. But a friendly “congrats on moving up in the world and I hope you’re enjoying the new place.” Would have been nice from my father instead of no acknowledgment and ignoring me.
    And as far as my dad being disappointed in my situation Northern Star- thanks for being so judgmental towards what I’m doing- but it’s 2018. As you said – I’m a grown adult if I don’t want to get married yet that’s my own decision. And also I didn’t ask for the security deposit or for anyone to buy my anything. I have rarely asked for help my entire life from anyone. It was upsetting that my parents didn’t even offer or reach out to make sure things were going okay. Also just to give a little background info- I am the youngest of 3 siblings and when my other two sisters moved out to new places my parents were there and helped them every step of the way. So. Maybe that’s why I’m a touch bitter.

    Avatar photoJuliecatharine

    This is a family problem? Really? Dude…you need some perspective. If you think moving apartments is cause for a parade I really don’t know how anyone could meet your expectations.


    I don’t think Northern Star was saying you should get married. She was asking if that was your dad’s concern.

    In general you seem to lack the ability to see this from anyone else’s POV (even those of us you are specifically asking for advice on the matter) and that kind of perspective would probably be helpful.

    From your parents perspective this may not be a big deal since its just another apartment vs a house or marriage or kids, they may be preoccupied with other stuff like aging and moving their own selves, and they may be tired after having gone all out for their 2 older children.


    Well since you know better and are right and we are wrong what advice do you want? Just validation that you are right to be throwing a fit over this? Ok, fine, be upset and throw a fit.

    Northern Star

    You asked why your dad wasn’t throwing you a party because you moved into a new apartment. I offered a potential reason. Be mad, I guess.


    Yes, you do sound petty, and childish. How old are you?
    Did you ask for their help? No?
    That’s why you didn’t get help. You didn’t even need more help than what you received.
    Your mother IS asking for your help.
    You sound really angry and bitter about your parents.
    See a counselor, seriously. They can help you get to the root of this. Holding on to anger and bitterness will just poison your happiness in the long run.

    Comparing your parents to other parents is never going to go well. Everyone is different. Maybe his parents are wealthier, maybe he’s their only son and they wanted to be there for this momentous occasion of finding a slightly better rental! Regardless, why can’t you set this aside and enjoy your new place, instead of looking for ways to be angry and bitter at them?


    They aren’t doing anything wrong. You got a new rental, you didn’t do anything spectacular, or really worthy of much comment.

    After your angry response, maybe they are limiting time visiting you because the anger emanating from you is very palpable.

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