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Dear Wendy

Family problems. Need advice ASAP

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This topic contains 96 replies, has 15 voices, and was last updated by avatar keyblade 3 months, 3 weeks ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 13 through 24 (of 97 total)
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  • #742875
    avatar
    Shelby

    Well maybe this was the kick in the ass I needed. I appreciate all advice and sorry if I came off rude. It’s been a very sensitive subject for me and I have been very stressed lately so to come for advice I was just hoping for a little more understanding and less “you’re entitled” comments. And yes posters are right when they say there are underlying problems in the relationship between my parents and I so it is probably fueling this problem and making it worse. I do not consider myself entitled- I have not asked for anything from my parents since I left the nest 6 years ago. We pay for everything ourselves and always have. His parents offered us the security deposit as a gift. But I do agree with the poster saying I’ve got to stop comparing families. I guess I’m a bit sad about it. And again- I am not asking for a parade or a reward.
    My point was that I just wish my dad would have acknowledged the situation even a BIT. Seeing how he treated my sisters very differently and we’re generous and excited for them when they moved in their first places (apartments as well) and how he ignored me completely was hurtful and I’m sorry if that’s wrong it’s just the way I Feel personally. I don’t have crazy standards either actually. Hence why I’m living a 900 sq. Ft apartment and am happy as a clam with it.
    And if you don’t think saying
    “Is your dad upset because you’ve been with a man for 5 years and only moving into another apartment and not getting married yet?” isn’t judgemental, I have a hard time accepting your opinions.

    #742879
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    anonymousse
    Member

    That’s was a question posing a possible reason why. We don’t know you. It’s a pretty common issue, even though times have changed. Dad’s still have feelings about their daughters…that might be antiquated.

    How old are you?
    Have you told your father how you feel?
    Talk to him.
    That’s how adults handle things.

    I do not recall anyone saying you are entitled, but you clearly laid out the financial help and gifts his parents gave you vs. what your patents did, including the fact that your mother did bring you items. Yes, that makes you seem entitled.

    You are so angry over something you never asked them for. That’s childish.

    #742880
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    SpaceySteph
    Participant

    You just said your dad went all out for your older sisters’ first place, but this isn’t your first place! You already moved out 6 years ago. Are you still mad because they didn’t go all out back then and just projecting on the current move? Or did they actually help out back then but you kind of expected it again?

    #742884
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    Sunshine Brite

    I think this might be a miscommunication with your family. Do they know how excited you are for this place? I mean, you lived with your boyfriend before so it seems like just another place from the outside.

    Also, you want them to talk about it, but have you independently started the discussion? When I’m excited about something, my parents know it and know to ask some questions if I want them involved because I make it clear and they know equally when I’m standoff-ish with information that maybe it’s not something I’m ready to share yet. Have you asked your parents to come over? Part of transitioning the parent/child boundaries I feel like is deciding how to ask them over, for them to ask you over, etc. Did you ask for help moving? You can’t expect people to be mind readers and know what you need in a situation if you don’t help guide them into what you’re considering.

    This level of hurt and anger is out of line with the scenario you discussed. It sounds like you might want to consider therapy since you do have difficulties navigating boundaries and your anxiety leads you to agreeing to things you wouldn’t otherwise. Your reactions seem to be spinning a bit and it might be relieving to sort them out more.

    #742889
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    Shelby

    Ouch… y’all are really kicking my butt here. I swear I’m actually a really nice and easy-going person and this is all catching me quite off guard.
    And yes- I did ask for their help for everyone asking that question. I was basically ignored and told it wasn’t happening. For no reason other than they didn’t want to. I mean whatever it is what it Is. again we were very happy and grateful to have his parents around to help and we were fine! And happy !
    As for this not being my first place- it is a complicated situation to say the least. This is my first time actually being on a lease. While I have been out of the nest since a sophomore in college, when I began to stay at my last apartment, I gradually kind of just moved in with my boyfriend overtime as my parents began hinting they wanted me out. Which was fine and I was ready to
    Do that and did independently.
    I just thought they’d be happy to know I bettered myself and took a step forward in my life and showed even an ounce of happiness for me. I didn’t think it was much since I’m always happy for them and their accomplishments and constantly show interest in their life events. But I guess I am wrong.

    #742896
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    Kate

    Just say no to your mom like she did to you and don’t feel bad about it.

    I’m with the others that this seems far from a major issue and is just life.

    My husband’s parents didn’t come to our wedding at the last minute though they said they would come and we paid their way. Any time he emails them to tell them something really cool he did or accomplished, they literally don’t acknowledge it and just send back a rant about “illegals.” They’ve visited his city once in 20 years (2-hour train ride), when he was in the hospital. A lot of the time, parents just aren’t what you want them to be. You have to let go of expectations or drive yourself crazy.

    #742900
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    anonymousse
    Member

    So you’ve actually lived in three or more places before this?

    You attract more bees with honey.

    You are an adult now. I agree with Kate that you need to be more realistic about your expectations of your parents, and your expectations of what kind of event in your life that gives others a reason to celebrate.

    Are you the youngest?
    And how old are you? Mid twenties?

    #742901
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    anonymousse
    Member

    Your mom came over and brought you housewarming gifts. That’s an ounce of happiness for your momentous life event of signing a lease.

    #742902
    avatar
    anonymousse
    Member

    A 5.5 hour drive is not thousands of miles away, either. You are being very dramatic.

    If you are angry with your father, take it up with him, not your mom.

    #742903
    avatar
    Shelby

    I don’t understand why you’re being so rude and condescending. It’s really not appreciated. For the last time I didn’t say it was a huge deal to sign a damn lease !!! That’s not what I want !!!! I want my dad to have an ounce of humility and say “hey good going daughter!” For once in my life. I’ve been hurting! I’m Sorry that my problems aren’t serious or reasonable enough for your own standards! But we all have feelings here. Damn.

    #742906
    avatar
    anonymousse
    Member

    Where have I been rude? Or condescending? If you have problems with your father you need to take it up with him or a counselor.

    Reread your post. It doesn’t read “problems with my dad” it reads no one is celebrating my lease signing with my boyfriend of five years.

    The comment I made about your momentous lease signing was a joke. I’m sorry I was being so insensitive.

    #742907
    avatar
    anonymousse
    Member

    “this is such a huge and exciting time for me.”

    Talk to your father.

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