Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Fatherhood Dilemma

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice Fatherhood Dilemma

Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 32 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #1031964 Reply
    avatarrgcarr
    Participant

    I am a 52 year old man and I’ve never been married but have been in a number of relationships, it’s just that none have as yet got to the stage where we were ready to make it to that. Needless to say, the pandemic and the lockdowns have put a stop to seeing women over the last year but I intend start looking again as soon as conditions allow. I have always wanted children of my own and in the past I have discussed that with those with whom I was in relationships. This desire (i.e. to have children) remains as strong as ever and I know that I have the energy and the youthful mindset to bring up children despite now being over 50. I know a number of men who have fathered children at my age and considerably older and really enjoyed it and done a good job of it.
    Of course biological reality means that if I am to realise my lifelong dream, I would have to find a much younger partner. In fact I have already let go of a number of relationship opportunities with women closer to my own age because my desire for fatherhood proved to be too much for me to give up. Some friends in whom I’ve confided have advised me that I should now accept that my chances of fathering children are now probably gone and that I am foolish in turning down what might be good relationship opportunities. I have seriously considered that a number of times in recent years but every time I do so the desire to have children keeps getting the better of me. What should I do, should I just accept that I am now probably too old to start a family of my own and maybe settle with a partner close to my age (a number of whom would have been willing to be with me) or keep trying to fulfil my ambition, like other men I’ve known have done and look exclusively for a younger partner so that I can do that? If it’s the former, I think I would need some kind of counselling if I am to be able to form a relationship with anyone and forever relinquish my hopes of fatherhood and if it’s the latter should I set myself an age limit beyond which I should no longer keep trying?

    #1031965 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Your best bet is probably to clearly state in your online profile that you are looking to have children, and focus on women around 37-42. There’s a chance you could find someone equally desperate to have bio kids. Unlikely to be a love match, but hey.

    #1031966 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    I’m being serious, btw. No one in her 30s wants to date a guy over 45 unless he’s rich or is their only hope for citizenship or a baby.

    #1031968 Reply
    avatarSM
    Guest

    If it’s kids you want, it is something you can do yourself. Find yourself a surrogate. If you capable of being a single dad (good support system, stable job, financial stable, etc).

    I’m a 37 year old female or felt like my time was ticking and was a single female. I started the process of going through my doctor to have a baby early in 2020 (prior to covid), and found a reputable sperm bank…from the female side, it was a fairly easy process to go through.

    I’m not sure how it would work for males and finding a surrogate, if you don’t know someone who could do this for you, I’m sure you could get with your doctor for some kind of referral.

    #1031969 Reply
    avatarVathena
    Guest

    Is this Robert?

    Yeah, if you’re looking to have bio kids, I’d do what Kate said and focus on the 37+ crowd. But keep in mind you might both be just settling.

    I have to wonder, if fatherhood has been a lifelong dream, WTF you’ve been doing for the past 30 years. Must be nice to be a man, to feel so free to spend your late 20s, 30s, and 40s just dicking around aimlessly while every woman around you is being pummeled by constant reminders of their expiration date. Then to wake up at 50 and be like, hey, it’s my lifelong dream to be a father! EYE. ROLL.

    #1031971 Reply
    avatarFYI
    Guest

    I don’t think his situation necessarily means he was “dicking around aimlessly.” It truly could be that he just didn’t connect with the right partner. That does happen — to men and to women. I know many women who didn’t have children for that reason. Lots of people want things, or try hard to have things, that just don’t work out. Life is messy.

    #1031974 Reply
    avatarBittergaymark
    Guest

    Yeah. For some strange reason, there actually are people out there that don’t want to have kids with just fucking anyone. Honestly? I can’t imagine why. Lord knows THAT always works out well for all involved…

    🙄

    #1031981 Reply
    avatarLisforLeslie
    Guest

    If your imperative is to have biological children, then yes, look for women from late 30’s early 40’s and put that in your bio. But yeah, you can likely hook a much younger woman if she needs citizenship. You may need to rethink what your goals are: instead of finding a lifetime partner, you find someone with whom you can have a reasonable co-parenting relationship.

    If you simply want a child, then you can seek out adoption as a single parent. It is possible.

    #1031983 Reply
    avatarHazel
    Participant

    why not look for a partner your own age who already has children? If it is genuinely being a parent that you want, it shouldn’t matter whether the children are biologically yours or not.Obviously it would take a long time for any prospective partner to decide that you would be suitable for a parental role towards their children but if all goes well wouldn’t that be a reasonable solution? Failing that, look into adoption, there are lots of children in the care system and being single isn’t the barrier towards adoption that it used to be.

    #1031985 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Right, if this is all about being a father, you can be a great father to an existing kid. But maybe for you it’s about a legacy. Be honest with yourself.

    #1031988 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    I’m curious how you know you want kids. Have you built relationships with children- are you an uncle? Do you volunteer for the boys and girls club? Have a lot of friends with kids? Have you ever taken care of a newborn? A baby? A toddler? Why do you think you’d be a good father? Have you mentored children?

    Have you considered a surrogate, adoption, fostering?
    Or dating a single mother is a great idea.

    Beyond all the things previously discussed, I do think you should see a therapist because time is running out. You cannot have a child with the hope it will give you the unconditional love you desire. You cannot being a child into this world win the expectation that it will fulfill you. It’s interesting that this pretty abstract idea of having a child at your age has become more important than building a relationship with someone you love.

    #1032003 Reply
    avatarRgcarr
    Guest

    You have raised a number of interesting and reasonable points and I’ll try and address them individually.

    “Have you built relationships with children- are you an uncle?” – Yes I am, and over the years the experience has played a major part in making me want to bring up children of my own.

    “Do you volunteer for the boys and girls club?” – No but I have taught teenagers professionally and I got great satisfaction on helping them developing and supporting them and I would consider it most fulfilling to be able to do this to children of my own and inspiring them.

    “Have a lot of friends with kids?” Yes I do and I love to hear them talk about them and see how much pleasure and fulfilment they get from them and when I hear about them I always wish I could have similar fulfilment.

    “Have you ever taken care of a newborn? A baby? A toddler?” – Not as such but I observed my nephews growing up and spent time with them at that time. Again I always felt that I would like to be a father myself.

    “Why do you think you’d be a good father?” – When I’ve been with children I have always got on well with them and built up good relationships. I have had relationships with single mothers and build up very good relationships with their children. Their mothers told me that the children liked me. With one of my exes with whom I am still in touch as friends, she said that her children still had fond memories of me years later and how they sometimes talked about me.

    “Have you mentored children?” – See what I said about my teaching experience.

    “Have you considered a surrogate, adoption, fostering?” – Yes surrogacy was something I did look into some years ago and I did make some enquiries. Also a single female friend once approached me and asked me if I could be a sperm donor to her, she said that she couldn’t think of a better person than me to be the father of her child. At the time I was seeing someone so I declined the offer. Otherwise I would have most probably gone for it. After we split up my friend then said that was no longer looking at having a baby as she said that upon reflection she felt that she was too old. Now unfortunately for me, many sperm donor agencies won’t consider men over 45 or at most 50. Fostering or adoption isn’t something that I would definitely rule out even now but I would want to do so with a loving partner rather than by myself. But some adoption and fostering agencies might consider me too old too. Still I would like to have a child of my own who was my own flesh and blood if that was possible. I see what pleasure other people with children get from seeing elements of other family members in their children. If family is important to you, as it is to me, having your own children does mean that it’s all continuing to another generation and that you’re contributing to that.

    “Or dating a single mother is a great idea.” – I’ve already discussed that.

    “You cannot have a child with the hope it will give you the unconditional love you desire. You cannot being a child into this world win the expectation that it will fulfill you.” – I’m under no illusions about that. But I have seen enough loving relationships between parents and children, both in my own family and with friends, to make it worth me taking the chance I think. Of course nothing is guaranteed in life. But what I do know for certain is that if I do ever finally give up my hopes of fatherhood for ever, it will make me sad and regretful for all the time I have left to live.

    “It’s interesting that this pretty abstract idea of having a child at your age has become more important than building a relationship with someone you love.” – I hope that I’ve made it clear that my desire to have children is more than something You have raised a number of interesting and reasonable points and I’ll try and address them individually.

    “Have you built relationships with children- are you an uncle?” – Yes I am, and over the years the experience has played a major part in making me want to bring up children of my own.

    “Do you volunteer for the boys and girls club?” – No but I have taught teenagers and I got great satisfaction on helping them developing and I would consider it most fulfilling to be able to do this to children of my own and inspiring them.

    “Have a lot of friends with kids?” Yes I do and I love to hear them talk about them and see how much pleasure and fulfilment they get from them and when I hear about them I wish I could have similar fulfilment.

    “Have you ever taken care of a newborn? A baby? A toddler?” – Not as such but I observed my nephews growing up and spent time with them at that time. Again I always felt that I would like to be a father myself.

    “Why do you think you’d be a good father?” – When I’ve been with children I have always got on well with them and built up good relationships. I have had relationships with single mothers and build up good relationships with their children. Their mothers told me that they liked me. With one of my exes with whom I am still in touch as friends, she said that her children still had fond memories of me years later and how they sometimes talked about me.

    “Have you mentored children?” – See what I said about my teaching experience.

    “Have you considered a surrogate, adoption, fostering?” – Yes surrogacy was something I did look into some years ago and I did make some enquiries. Also a single female friend once approached me and asked me if I could be a sperm donor to her, she said that she couldn’t think of a better person than me to be the father of her child. At the time I was seeing someone so I declined the offer. Otherwise I would have most probably gone for it. After we split up my friend then said that was no longer looking at having a baby as she said that upon reflection she felt that she was too old. Now unfortunately for me, many sperm donor agencies won’t consider men over 45 or at most 50. Fostering or adoption isn’t something that I would definitely rule out even now but I would want to do so with a loving partner rather than by myself. But some adoption and fostering agencies might consider me too old too. Still I would like to have a child of my own who was my own flesh and blood if that was possible. I see what pleasure other people with children get from seeing elements of other family members in their children. If family is important to you, having your own children does mean that it’s all continuing to another generation and that you’re contributing to that.

    “Or dating a single mother is a great idea.” – I’ve already discussed that.

    “You cannot have a child with the hope it will give you the unconditional love you desire. You cannot being a child into this world win the expectation that it will fulfill you.” – I’m under no illusions about that. But I have seen enough loving relationships between parents and children, both in my own family and with friends, to make it worth me taking the chance I think. Of course nothing is guaranteed in life. But what I do know for certain is that if I do ever finally give up my hopes of fatherhood for ever, it will make me sad and regretful for all the time I have left to live.

    “It’s interesting that this pretty abstract idea of having a child at your age has become more important than building a relationship with someone you love.” – I hope that I’ve made it clear that my desire to have children is more than something “abstract”, as you call it. And when you say “at your age”, you seem to imply that it’s only something that I’ve come to want recently. Far from it, as I pointed out in my original post, I’ve wanted it for nearly all my adult life but sadly I’ve never, as yet got to the situation with anyone where that happened. When I was younger I did sometimes wonder whether the desire would weaken as I got older but it hasn’t in the slightest. As I said in my original post I’ve known, over the years a number of men who fathered children when they were of a similar age to me and considerably older too (and they also had very happy marriages with younger wives thus giving the lie to what some respondents have suggested on here, namely that I couldn’t hope to find a genuine love match with a younger woman) and turned out to be excellent fathers. I think that I have what it takes to do this too.

Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 32 total)
Reply To: Fatherhood Dilemma
Your information: