Fatherhood Dilemma

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  • Rgcarr
    March 19, 2021 at 4:34 pm #1032005

    It looks as though the text in my previous response got a bit mixed up so here it is again below.

    You have raised a number of interesting and reasonable points and I’ll try and address them individually.

    “Have you built relationships with children- are you an uncle?” – Yes I am, and over the years the experience has played a major part in making me want to bring up children of my own.

    “Do you volunteer for the boys and girls club?” – No but I have taught teenagers professionally and I got great satisfaction on helping them developing and supporting them and I would consider it most fulfilling to be able to do this to children of my own and inspiring them.

    “Have a lot of friends with kids?” Yes I do and I love to hear them talk about them and see how much pleasure and fulfilment they get from them and when I hear about them I wish I could have similar fulfilment.

    “Have you ever taken care of a newborn? A baby? A toddler?” – Not as such but I observed my nephews growing up and spent time with them at that time. Again I always felt that I would like to be a father myself.

    “Why do you think you’d be a good father?” – When I’ve been with children I have always got on well with them and built up good relationships. I have had relationships with single mothers and build up good relationships with their children. Their mothers told me that they liked me. With one of my exes with whom I am still in touch as friends, she said that her children still had fond memories of me years later and how they sometimes talked about me.

    “Have you mentored children?” – See what I said about my teaching experience.

    “Have you considered a surrogate, adoption, fostering?” – Yes surrogacy was something I did look into some years ago and I did make some enquiries. Also a single female friend once approached me and asked me if I could be a sperm donor to her, she said that she couldn’t think of a better person than me to be the father of her child. At the time I was seeing someone so I declined the offer. Otherwise I would have most probably gone for it. After we split up my friend then said that was no longer looking at having a baby as she said that upon reflection she felt that she was too old. Now unfortunately for me, many sperm donor agencies won’t consider men over 45 or at most 50. Fostering or adoption isn’t something that I would definitely rule out even now but I would want to do so with a loving partner rather than by myself. But some adoption and fostering agencies might consider me too old too. Still I would like to have a child of my own who was my own flesh and blood if that was possible. I see what pleasure other people with children get from seeing elements of other family members in their children. If family is important to you, having your own children does mean that it’s all continuing to another generation and that you’re contributing to that.

    “Or dating a single mother is a great idea.” – I’ve already discussed that.

    “You cannot have a child with the hope it will give you the unconditional love you desire. You cannot being a child into this world win the expectation that it will fulfill you.” – I’m under no illusions about that. But I have seen enough loving relationships between parents and children, both in my own family and with friends, to make it worth me taking the chance I think. Of course nothing is guaranteed in life. But what I do know for certain is that if I do ever finally give up my hopes of fatherhood for ever, it will make me sad and regretful for all the time I have left to live.

    “It’s interesting that this pretty abstract idea of having a child at your age has become more important than building a relationship with someone you love.” – I hope that I’ve made it clear that my desire to have children is more than something abstract, as you call it. And when you say “at your age”, you seem to imply that it’s only something that I’ve come to want recently. Far from it, I’ve wanted it for nearly all my adult life but sadly I’ve never, as yet got to the situation with anyone where that happened. When I was younger I did sometimes wonder whether the desire would weaken as I got older but it hasn’t at all. As I said in my original post I’ve known, over the years a number of men who fathered children when they were of a similar age to me and considerably older too (and they also had very happy marriages with younger wives thus giving the lie to what some respondents have suggested on here, namely that I couldn’t hope to find a genuine love match with a younger woman) and turned out to be excellent fathers. I think that I have what it takes to do this too.

    March 19, 2021 at 4:37 pm #1032006

    “ I’ve known, over the years a number of men who fathered children when they were of a similar age to me and considerably older too (and they also had very happy marriages with younger wives thus giving the lie to what some respondents have suggested on here, namely that I couldn’t hope to find a genuine love match with a younger woman) and turned out to be excellent fathers. I think that I have what it takes to do this too.”

    So, why don’t you do that then? As a woman who dated online in her mid-late 30s, I can tell you I had no interest in guys beyond their mid-40s, and I know I’m not alone in that because the topic has come up on here before and it’s pretty unanimous. BUT I also wasn’t trying to have kids, and I was self-sufficient financially. There are probably women reaching the end of their most productive fertile years who are more open to older men who want to be fathers, so be clear about what you’re looking for in your profile and maybe you’ll connect with someone like that.

    March 19, 2021 at 5:23 pm #1032007

    I’m sorry, I still don’t see where you’d discussed why you wouldn’t date a single mother.

    Thanks for answering all those questions, although I wrote them mostly for you to think about. I find a lot of older men wanting children don’t consider what having a newborn to care for 24/7 actually is like. We’ve had other men your age write in with very similar desires but having never having really spent any significant amount of time with kids. It’s great you have a lot of experience around kids.

    I appreciate you really want children. I am actually a younger wife with an older husband. But we still got started on kids much earlier. My oldest child is nearly seven and my husband just turned 50.

    I would encourage you to get your fertility/general health checked if you haven’t. It’s a misconception that men of any age can father healthy children. Risks increase with age of both the mother and father. And you never know, the clock could be ticking or you could have a low sperm count.

    Best of luck finding that special someone.

    Citlalli Gómez
    March 19, 2021 at 5:32 pm #1032009

    My advice is that you do not give up, because you still have a chance if you manage to have a relationship with a young woman and she also has the desire to have a child.
    Also, you consider that you have the energy to raise a child, regardless of your age, so give it a try.
    Finally, I believe that you should not waste so much time and if when you are 55 you have not achieved it, I recommend that you establish a relationship with a person close to your age.

    March 19, 2021 at 6:37 pm #1032012

    you say that you having a relationship with a single mother has been discussed, but I think it has been dismissed. There are many women out there, of your age, with children, and I think at your age it really is the most realistic way to go. Are you genuinely open to this or are you fixated on furthering your genes?

    March 19, 2021 at 7:08 pm #1032013

    I didn’t say anywhere that I wouldn’t date a single mother. On the contrary I said that I have dated some and got on well with their children, which has reinforced my belief that I would make a good father and that it would be something that I’d enjoy a lot.

    March 20, 2021 at 7:42 am #1032023

    One other thought: Meeting women in real life is a lot different than online. There’s more of a chance irl to form a connection with someone and she sees beyond your age. Most young women online are not open to dating older men, and don’t want to be contacted by them. They’ll dismiss you right away based on your age. I’m not trying to be mean – I’m 45 and my husband is 50, but there’s a reality that it gets harder and harder to meet and date young people. 10 years younger? Sure, maybe. 15? That is really tough.

    So it’s going to be harder for you online. That’s why I say you need to be clear about what you want – a family – so you have the best chance of meeting someone who also wants a family. In real life, when you can go places like church, sports leagues, adult education classes, and anything else that gets you mingling with women, that will help your chances. Or what about all your friends with younger wives, can those wives set you up on dates with their friends?

    March 20, 2021 at 11:40 am #1032026

    Great idea, Kate.

    Rgcarr, as you continue to pursue young women, stop dating women your age if you are just going to dump them because they aren’t fertile enough for you.

    March 21, 2021 at 8:55 am #1032074

    Frankly, I don’t find your position attractive. You are obsessed with finding a much younger women to reproduce yourself. Not very interesting for a young woman who will think like you: I have still much better prospects than a guy who is 52 and sees me as an incubator.

    You best bet, in my opinion, is to date a woman round your age and try with her an adoption or a surrogate. That seems to me more realistic. Many women in their forties, early fifties, didn’t have the opportunity to have a child and may be interested in trying this way with you – much more than a younger woman.
    And you will relate better with a woman your age.
    Try that.

    Now if you like daydreaming like this, you have to ask yourself wether you just like the impossible to avoid a commitment in a good, real relationship (that is: with a woman your age). Your track record screams commitment phobic.

    Avatar photo
    March 21, 2021 at 6:04 pm #1032080

    You’ve got this idea that you only have two options: find a much younger woman to have children with, or give up your dream of fatherhood and settle for someone closer to your own age. I think this is wrong and holding you back from finding true happiness.

    IF you manage to find a much younger woman (as one myself, I can confirm that’s going to be difficult), there’s no guarantee she’ll be able to bear children. She may be one of the many, many woman who struggle with infertility.

    If you end up with a woman closer to your age, you don’t have to give up your dreams of being a father. You just have to let go of your desire for biological children. I think you should search your soul and reflect on what’s really important to you. Would you rather have no children at all if they can’t be biological? Or could you adjust your expectations and find that loving a child and showing up for them, not depositing some sperm, is what really make someone a father?

    You asked about when to set an age limit to stop trying to be a father. I think if you do set one, that deadline shouldn’t be too far in the future. You may feel youthful and energetic now, but as you age, you face greater health risks. Consider what life would be like for your wife if you became ill or passed away, leaving her to shoulder the responsibilities of childcare by herself. Your children, too, deserve a father who will be in their lives as long as possible.

    March 22, 2021 at 3:11 am #1032086

    If you are happy to look at dating a single mother as you have said, then there is no dilemma. You don’t need to go looking for a much younger woman, and you don’t need to miss out on being a father, just work hard at finding the right woman your own age who happens to already have kids, and earn the right to eventually take on a fathering role. Problem sorted.

    March 22, 2021 at 6:17 am #1032087

    Dating a single parent doesn’t automatically equal “parenting”. There are a ton of factors including the age of the children, the presence of the biological dad. It’s not a guaranteed solution to this person’s needs/wants. Believe me, it took about 20 years for me to realize my step dad was more parent than my dad.

    You’ve had trouble finding a partner and committing. So as someone who is also 50 and has never had a successful long term relationship – we are automatically side-eyed. What’s wrong with us that we couldn’t find a partner or commit to a partner? Too high standards? Bad at being a partner? blah blah blah.

    I’m not saying there is anything wrong with you – I’m saying you are starting with a demerit on your record. So if you date older women, you have to move fast. And if you want a kid to be an adult before you retire, you have to move fast. Older women will move at your pace.

    And seriously, look for women with whom you can coparent. Make sure you find out about how they want to raise children because if you’re moving fast then you might miss a future deal breaker.

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Fatherhood Dilemma

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