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Dear Wendy

Feel awful……….what to do?

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  • #861958 Reply

    Ugh you sound a bit too much like my old self, which makes me sad.

    I know how it feels to sympathise with someone, and want to be there because it appears that nobody else is there for them – despite how they have treated you. One thing I can say is this approach has NEVER ended well for me.

    You are not his therapist. You are not his ‘combat-loneliness’ companion. No matter what you feel, this guy and his issues are not your responsibility. He should remain blocked on every platform that exists. He is abusive, manipulative and vindictive.

    You are well within your rights to change your mind about whether you want to date someone. If the ‘chemistry’ wasn’t there for you, then it wasn’t there. Nobody has the right to make you feel bad for that.

    I cannot speak for everyone obviously, but in my experience, trying to remain friends with a person who you know has a romantic interest in you rarely works out positively. There is a part of them that will always hope you change your mind someday and when that doesn’t happen – things can get sour very quickly and easily. After his behaviour, not only on the date but afterwards as well – there is no question of keeping him in your life in any proximity.

    As for how you feel, try not to let yourself feel negatively for the behaviour of someone else. You should already know the nasty things he has said are part manipulation, and part anger because he didn’t get what he wanted (literally an adult temper tantrum). You do NOT need to care for the opinion of people who cannot conduct themselves with common decency and propriety. His comments and behaviour speak louder about him than his comments do about you. x

    #861997 Reply
    avatarron
    Guest

    A basic life skill for LW to learn is how to recognize obviously dangerous people and totally stay away from them, rather than trying to fix or help them.

    #862619 Reply
    avatarLily
    Guest

    Wow thanks for everyone for commenting. I wasn’t expecting as many. I am now about to start therapy soon. No I’ve not been on here before. First time using a forum.

    #862679 Reply
    avatarAlli
    Guest

    Hi Lily,

    This guy sounds awful. You were right to discard him from your life. To think on the positive side, you were able to find out the kind of person he was once you were on his bad side. The reason he said those things was just to make himself feel better, and are obviously not true. Don’t feel bad about blocking him. Maybe spend some time with loved ones and take it easy until you find the right person. Once you do, you’ll forget all about him.

    I hope this helps,
    Alli

    #862932 Reply
    avatardirtorsoil
    Guest

    Someone else commented that you may have grown up in an environment where you were taught that this behavior is normal, and that if you found it unacceptable that there was something wrong _with you_. That was a very good observation based on the way you described the situation. Most women would have blocked him and walked away after the first sign of this guy being a psycho. Ask yourself why did you make an exception for this guy when your gut was screaming, “no!”. This is not an attempt to shame you, just a suggestion that self reflection is key here. Perhaps you feel guilt because you were raised in a toxic dynamic, or perhaps you are mad at yourself for ignoring that internal voice. My biggest regret is that I have constantly (until 2 years ago) ignored my gut feeling, which was about 98.5% right. And yes, I was raised in a household where I was conditioned to think that emotional and physical abuse was not only normal, but I deserved it. Free yourself girl! Get behind yourself and feel your power! When you do, your pity will turn to disgust for that vile creature that you wasted your time on. Don’t beat yourself up about this, just learn from it. Your inner voice is your true compass. And I think you know that, and you just need that validated. Which is why you posted to this forum.

    #863227 Reply
    avatarDebbie
    Guest

    I want to add that this so-called “perfect” woman probably doesn’t exist. He made her up to get you upset.

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