November 6, 2021 at 8:45 am #1099849CopaParticipant
Uhh. The LW says she’s aware her feelings are silly. Last I checked, emotions don’t have to be rational to be valid. I have an ex that married the woman he cheated on me with and I’d not feel great if my best friend befriended his wife even though it’s been seven years. Irrational feelings happen.
Anyway, I think if you can’t keep it to yourself without it eating you up, therapy isn’t a bad idea. It’s not fair to your friend to police her friendships. It also sounds like you haven’t fully dealt with what happened and it’s not too late to work through it.
November 6, 2021 at 9:54 am #1099851anonymousseParticipant
- This reply was modified 1 month ago by Copa.
I agree with most of the above. Feelings aren’t rational and how is she supposed to stop the way she feels about the woman? She’s asking for help and mentions that she believes her feelings are childish.
And yeah, I still don’t like the specific woman one of my ex bf’s cheated on me with. Does that mean I haven’t happily moved on? No, it means I’m not an idiot and I saw what happened the first time I trusted her. No one owes anyone the “benefit of the doubt” or whatever even after 10 years. I’m not that old (38) and still feel like ten years really isn’t all that long. I’ve been with my husband that long. I’ve been with this site or Wendy’s advice in some form, for a much longer time! She’s not actively on a hate campaign, she just doesn’t like the woman and her best friend is getting close. It’s okay to feel weird about that. I would probably, too.
I would suggest seeking therapy to work through your feelings, and that you don’t bring this up maybe at first. Keep supporting her, and don’t isolate her. Motherhood is very isolating and you might need to make more effort right now to maintain your friendship if you want to remain close. Maybe right now, ask her what’s easiest and best for her. Hopefully soon you’ll feel comfortable saying, “I feel weird about you becoming closer but I’m trying to work that out on my own.”November 6, 2021 at 10:16 am #1099854BittergaymarkGuest
I’m with Ron here. There are no way her feelings are normal or healthy. Holding on the angst from a break up ten years ago — no matter how brutal it was — is in no way normal or healthy. (PS — I’m dying to hear how brutal is was — truly. As I have doubts.) All this hand wringing a decade later is NOT normal. Or healthy. Far from it. Especially after everybody has fucking moved on. The LW is married for fuck’s sake.
If these feelings are normal for a woman — then thank God I’m gay. As I have never dealt with such insanity. But then — I’ve seen anything 1/8 as whack from my many, many female friends either. So yeah. It’s extreme, out there, and highly unusual.
I mean — good lord! Damn near everybody gets left for somebody else in the youth.November 6, 2021 at 10:28 am #1099855BittergaymarkGuest
Copa: the LW is about to blow up a her best friendship because she refuses to let go of the past. It’s petty. Possessive. And destructive. She is letting her feelings ruin her life.
Christ. Had the LW not specified her gender, I’d have thought she was yet another deranged male incel.
ReReading her letter. Honestly? I remain utterly baffled that she is “happily married.” Really? Sure doesn’t sound like it.
Far too many people cut others far too much slack with regards to “feelings.” We’ve OVER validated them as a society. They aren’t some you can’t control or manage. Unless one deliberately gets off on forever playing the victim. I’ve seen this latter trait. In both men and women. NEWSFLASH: It never ends well.November 6, 2021 at 11:25 am #1099858CopaParticipant
Right, that’s why my suggestion was to seek therapy. She hasn’t acted on her emotions (nor should she IMO), but she’s allowed her feelings. Calm down.November 6, 2021 at 12:22 pm #1099859
Yeah, wow, what is it about this thats making you so angry?November 6, 2021 at 2:33 pm #1099862BittergaymarkGuest
My patience for people who constantly whip up long dead needless relationship drama is at it’s end I guess.November 6, 2021 at 5:02 pm #1099863
Ok so take a break?November 6, 2021 at 7:15 pm #1099864FireStarParticipant
It’s a question of priorities…no? Is your angst over your ex worth losing your best friend for? Is there no middle ground to be had? People have traumatic breakups in a divorce with children and cheating and abuse and still have to manage an ongoing relationship with their ex for the sake of their kids. Ideal? No. But doable and it’s a new normal with different expectations. If your best friend is important enough then continue your relationship with her and don’t overlap mommy time with the woman you don’t like. If you feel the betrayal is too deep then cultivate other friendships. You clearly don’t have the same values in approaching your friendship so maybe find someone else more online with yours.November 7, 2021 at 7:26 am #1099871
Damn, we’re getting some blasts from the past lately! Nice to hear from y’all folks.November 14, 2021 at 9:26 pm #1100059FireStarParticipant
It’s nice to visit!