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Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Feeling guilty for my behaviour but still think I was right

Home Forums Advice & Chat Feeling guilty for my behaviour but still think I was right

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  • #1115757 Reply
    Realwriting
    Guest

    Now when things have calmed down I’m starting to feel guilty but on the other hand I do feel I have a right to feel the way I do..

    So a friend of mine ( 26 f) and her boyfriend ( 26f) had decided to travel to my (30 f )home country. As they are scared of flying they decided to drive there. About 3 weeks before they set off, I put the idea of me flying back home too as they are staying at our summer place that i was kind enough to offer for free and I could show them the big city and such for a few days and they think its a great idea. We spent a week oe two talking and planning it and all. As its during the summer I end up paying around 250£ for a flight to go home for a few days. They both get to my home country and our summer place, all well.

    Around 3 days before I’m set to fly home I get a text early in the morning saying they have decided to carry on traveling and aren’t staying in my part of the country anymore. I of course get a bit pissed off as I’ve put money out to do all this. They state something oh well I’m going home anyway and I’m not the main reason for them to be going home so sorry but we are travelling on.

    I send a text back saying I am actually annoyed as I’ve wasted money on this and that they know I was home not too long ago and that the only reason for my visit is for them and to show them around. I reply I get that they wanna carry on travelling but i said to them more then once before buying tickets if they wanted me to come.I only get a sorry back.

    We have a joint travel group on whatsapp and j decide not to reply for a few days as I am quite upset and I don’t wanna say things I regret. I instead rebook my flight to a later date ( no refund possible) and I send a text saying hope they have a good time. A week go by and my friend is upset I am not replying to any texts or picture they’ve sent and I tell her I am still upset about the whole situation and would rather meet up when she is back in the country and we can discuss it then. She says I am completely overreacting over the whole situation and I am now going to lose her as a friend. She says she will refuse to wait for my text as she doesn’t wanna wait on someone on “their terms” and she says I’ve blown all of this out of proportion. I tell her it’s not like we’ve just cancelled a lunch meeting. I tell her I’ve paid a lot of money for this and put time aside. She then says well they decided go enjoy their holiday and have a stab at the fact that im currently off sick due to a bad work injury with full pay and can go home whenever I want so I shouldn’t be upset about a one-two day thing that didn’t happen while they only get this holiday I point out to her that unlike her i live on my own and normally have 2 extra part time jobs on top of my full time job to make ends meet which i cant do at the moment and pay my own rent while she lives in a caravan with her boyfriend and barely have any bills to pay i told her she isn’t seeing any of this from my perspective. I do get another I’m sorry, but we are no longer on speaking terms at the moment so I feel maybe I am the AH after all and did in fact overreact?

    #1115760 Reply
    peggy
    Guest

    Hi. Lots to sort out here. Wondering if you only decided to do the trip. because they were going to be there? That is what it sounds like to me, but your friends seem to think you were going there anyway? Also, I wonder if they maybe wanted to travel alone, schedule free, but agreed because you suggested to join them and they are staying there through your generosity? So,they may have felt obligated.
    Even so, they should either have declined you to come or once they agreed, should have stayed and met you as planned.
    I do not think you are the jerk, they sound a bit “Loosey Goosey” and not people who plan or stick to schedules. They should have kept their deal with you once it was made. I think it was wrong and rude of them, especially since they stayed at your place.
    I don’t know how close you were before. If you are not very good friends. with a long history, I would tend to drop the friendship. There have been enough apologies and hashing out already. If you really want to be friends again, give it some time and maybe just comment on the posts or something and see =if that starts a fresh connection.

    #1115776 Reply
    Fyodor
    Guest

    Just a few things.

    1. If your going was really contingent upon them being there you should have made that clear to them. The way you pitched it was that it was something that you’d enjoy doing anyway and they might not have believed that their travel plans were contingent upon you.

    2. Traveling with friends is …tricky. People want to do what they want to do on their vacations. Some friends of the family are now having a major fight because they vacationed together and fought the whole time. There are people I genuinely like with whom I would not vacation. If you are going to vacation together you either need to make sure everyone is fully on board and fully committed to whatever common activities/travels or be more flexible and accept that things might fall through. Consider this a lesson learned for next time.

    #1115780 Reply
    Anonymousse
    Guest

    I agree with fyodor. It does read as you pitched it as you’d be going anyway and then you can show them around.

    You really put yourself out there. Gave them your summer home? and then told them you’d be happy to go home and show them around. To me that didn’t sound like they needed or asked for you to be their tour guide or that you were explicitly traveling for them.

    I am very careful with who and how I extend myself. I’m 39 and just got seriously let down from close friends of mine I’ve had for a few years. It’s hard to move forward in a friendship when you’ve expressed your hurt feelings and they’ve brushed you aside. I would take this as the lesson it is, these are not the people you thought they were, when you shared your feelings they reacted defensively. I would say take a few steps back and remain a little wary of making plans with them.

    #1115786 Reply
    Blueberry
    Guest

    Hi. I’m in a somehow similar situation right now, I wrote about it here about 2 weeks ago. I decided to take a puppy from my boyfriend’s grandfather and since he had two puppies my friend said she wants the other one. Unfortunately she was going on vacation for two weeks so I offered to keep him for her – she was excited. I paid for him during this time and took care which cost me a lot of effort because I was just moving in to another apartament, she has also known that was the moment I really needed money. When I gave her the puppy, she texted me the next day she doesn’t want it. I took him back, but I was mad at her and didn’t want to talk to her before calming down. I also expected her to apologize. She didn’t so I texted her 12 days later saying I was upset that I wasted too much energy for her decision that she didn’t keep. She attacked me saying I’m passive agressive and I lost her as a friend! She also said that she never asked me for anything since I offered to keep the dog for her and take him back. She even said something very painful that was not related to the situation.
    And now we’re not talking.

    I think I can imagine how you feel. You offered your time, energy and money, it was something they seemed to care about and then they let you down offering nothing in return. You put so much effort for them and they ignored it. Not just that. They ignored your feelings and attacked you for feeling the way you feel. You wanted to make it right but I guess you needed to feel there is a certain balance in your relationship. Unfortunately they reversed the situation saying you did wrong and now you loose them as friends. It seems unfair because all you did was feeling angry. So what can you do now? Apologize? I’m very biased right now, but I feel like it’s too much. They don’t seem to put effort in making things right or making it up for you and that’s very unfair from my perspective.

    #1115790 Reply
    Anonymousse
    Guest

    It’s because you can’t force people to care the way you do. Or to prioritize you, or to apologize. You can’t make other people see your POV. You have your POV and “truth” about the situation, and so do they. When people are confronted, they often behave defensively.

    In both cases, real writing and blueberry- you both went way, way above and beyond for people that didn’t appreciate or deserve it. They didn’t ask you to do these grand gestures that you made.

    Instead of focusing on the anger and hurt you feel, it might be better to try and find the lesson in it and move on. Otherwise, you run the risk of becoming bitter.

    #1115791 Reply
    Anonymousse
    Guest

    I will also say I think there are a lot of people who grew up learning to avoid confrontation at all costs, so when you start making plans that they maybe aren’t into, instead of just telling you they are not interested with the idea of traveling with them, they did this low key “oops, plans changed,” thing. Then when you of course express your feelings, they deny the culpability and get really defensive. It’s a life/maturity thing, I think.

    #1115792 Reply
    Blueberry
    Guest

    You’re right Anonymousse, I can see it now. I’m trying to move on, I don’t want to become bitter.
    I assumed that if my friend uses my help, they will acknowledge my effort. I was wrong. The hard part for me is that I wish to maintain the friendship but the sense of imbalance makes it too hard to try.

    #1115793 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    You’re the same person with the puppies, right? This looks like a pattern for you of overextending yourself for friends.

    #1115794 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    I have a friend who always wants to help people, and really pushes whatever she’s pushing. If you don’t decline, then you can end up getting in the middle of a whole mess. It is possible you could be this type of friend and not realize it.

    #1115795 Reply
    Blueberry
    Guest

    Kate, we’re different people 🙂

    #1115798 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    Oh I see, you chimed in here but you’re not the LW, sorry. Same advice though to you both.

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