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Feeling Insecure in Relationship

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This topic contains 11 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by avatar Logan 1 week, 2 days ago.

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  • #843093 Reply
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    Ar1el
    Member

    Basically just feeling really insecure in my relationship at the minute, and I’m not sure if it’s me overreacting through being a bit stressed out or if I have reason to be annoyed.

    We’ve been together a year this month, we live 5 minutes away from each other but usually only see each other once or twice a week. He starts work in the afternoon three days a week, and he’s off for two days but he’d rather sit at home watching TV or tidy his house than do something with me. I used to text him to ask if he wanted to go somewhere, or even just tag along with me shopping, but he always said he was busy and later I’d find out he was just spending all morning watching TV. I’ve just stopped texted to ask now, as I feel like he’ll always say no.

    A few days ago he showed me that he had a picture of a naked celebrity as his phones wallpaper, and I got really annoyed by it. He said I was overreacting but I think it’s disrespectful. I understand everyone has a celebrity crush, everyone finds other people attractive but as a 30 odd year old man you don’t use them as your phones wallpaper! I know he watches porn sometimes, I know he likes to see nude breasts in movies and I’ve got no problem with it….. he’s a bloke after all….. but just having the picture constantly there so it’s the first thing he sees when he looks at his phone, and so everyone else can see it really annoys me.

    The end of this month is our one year anniversary and he can’t remember it at all. There’s a music festival on the same weekend and he’s been trying to get tickets to go there with his brother, when I told him it was the same day as our anniversary he just said aww shame it’s the same weekend. But it’s like he’s forgot about that now, and he’s still hoping to get tickets instead of doing something with me. He does have a really bad memory, but surely if it was important he’d write it down, or put it in his phones calendar.

    The past three months, I’ve just felt really annoyed and not happy with the relationship, but he doesn’t like to talk about it because he thinks everything is fine.
    I’m at the point now where I feel like I just want a few days of not speaking to or seeing him, but I think that will make things worse.

    I have been quite stressed in my work life recently, so I don’t know if I’m overreacting because of this.
    I’d like honest replies, so I know whether I’m in the wrong or if my feelings can be genuine.

    #843095 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    I think your feelings are telling you something: this isn’t the relationship you want or need. Sounds like he’s a boyfriend in name only. Seeing each other once or twice a week after a year together is not a good sign. He’s definitely not that into this, and you’re wanting to make it much more serious than it is (a dating anniversary isn’t that big a deal. I can see you wanting him to acknowledge it, but many people don’t, and clearly he’s not bothered by it). On top of all that, he sounds kind of lame and immature. Who in their 30s has a naked woman as their lock screen pic??? And sits around watching TV all day?

    Bottom line, I don’t think you’re compatible, and I don’t think he’s that into you.your feelings are real.

    #843111 Reply

    I get the sense you feel like you don’t have a “real” reason to break up. Like, he hasn’t cheated on you, he isn’t mean or abusive, so why can’t you just be happy?

    Good news, you can break up with someone for any reason you want! You can even break up with someone for no reason at all!

    For what it’s worth though, he sounds kinda douchey.

    #843120 Reply
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    ron

    You’ve been broken up for 3 years, neither of you seems interested enough to take the initiative to discuss resuming the relationship, yet you act like you are in a relationship: live together, sex, even had a child together. What the heck? This is seriously fucked up. Beyond that you are not happy in this pseudo-relationship and yet you stay. You need to figure this out ASAP.

    #843121 Reply
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    Ar1el

    You are right in saying that I feel like I don’t have a good reason to break up with him, because he is a really lovely guy in general. It’s just these things happen that really annoy me and that seems to overshadow everything else. That’s why I wasn’t sure if it was just me being overstressed or a genuine thing.
    I’m glad you agree it’s immature for him to have that picture, I thought I was just being overly sensitive for a bit but it’s really really annoyed me.

    Ron… I think you’ve posted on the wrong thread as your reply has nothing to do with anything I said. 🙂

    #843122 Reply
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    dinoceros
    Member

    I don’t think the photo has much to do with the relationship and more to do with who he is as a person. I’m generalizing a lot, but I think someone of that age who has that as his background probably just has a girlfriend because they think they “should” and because they like sex. I don’t think a person who actively wants to have a healthy relationship with someone they care about a lot would be the same person to be that immature. And I agree that the fact that you barely see each other is a problem. It shows little to no interest on his side of actually wanting to see you. He seems to want to *have* a girlfriend and does the bare minimum to keep you there. Though to be honest, for a lot of people, it probably wouldn’t have met the minimum to keep them around, but he’s found that you are OK with it. If you’re not, then I think it’s time to move on.

    #843134 Reply
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    Ar1el

    I’m wondering if it might help to stop him from sleeping over for a while, so then he will have to make an effort to see me during the day?
    As I said he is a really lovely guy in every other way, so I don’t want to break up without having really tried.

    Does anyone think that’s a good idea, or do you think I’m just wasting time?

    #843135 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    No, that’s not going to work. You can’t make him more invested in the relationship by withholding sleepovers. There’s a fundamental compatibility issue, and he’s kind of a dud.

    #843136 Reply

    I’m afraid it would just waste even more of your time. From what you describe, he may be a lovely person, but it sounds like he’s not very interested in a relationship. Sure, someone to have occasional sex with and maybe even call a girlfriend. But if he wanted to spend time doing things with you, he’d be doing that, and he’s not. Sounds like he’s not a good fit for you.

    #843147 Reply

    Yeah, nix the sleepover-withholding plan and any other plan that relies on anything other than direct and open communication about your needs. All you can do is tell him what you need in a relationship and see if he delivers. I wouldn’t hold my breath.

    #843153 Reply

    This is who he is. He’s a thirty year old with a nude celeb on his lock screen. He sees you two days a week because that’s all he wants to see you. He’s going to a festival because he wants to.

    You’re not happy with this relationship and haven’t been for three months. There’s no point in playing games and taking away sleepovers, my guess is that would incite him to do nothing at all. He doesn’t want to put effort in and why would you want him to at this point? It’s time to break up.

    #843259 Reply
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    Logan

    Who keeps a naked pic on their phone as a wall paper???

    This guy sounds super immature and you definitely need to let him go and find someone that’s more compatible, don’t waste your time and energy on this dude, it will always lead to frustrations and hurt feelings and the relationship will be full of broken promises if he cant remember squat.

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