Feeling pressured to babysit sisters kid overnight
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Well said, Wendy.
When you care about someone, and they need help, you show up. That’s what it is. Take the kid out of the equation, take family out. That’s what it is. That, and you said, “if you can’t find someone else, I’ll do it.”
After reading this thread, I’m so very thankful I have kind people in my family.
We don’t know whether the sister does her share of giving in this family or if she just takes. We don’t know enough to make a judgement like that.
I know that I would not try to push off either of my kids on someone who was extremely reluctant to watch them overnight. I don’t think it is good for the kid.
The sister has always had mom for overnight and until this time mom has never said no so sister has no depth here for overnight care. That isn’t this LWs fault. Mom finally said no. Why is mom’s trip more important than the LW’s trip. Mom and the sister are the two who set up this dynamic and now that mom is tired of it she wants to dump it over on the LW. I get wanting to leave your child with someone you trust but pushing someone to watch a child when they don’t want to isn’t a good start for any evening for the child or the caregiver.
I’d be more apt to work out something with a work colleague who also worked overnight who had children and you could trade childcare with each other. The fact that the sister seems to have no depth like this in her life might be the indicator that she doesn’t reciprocate well with other people. Most people have a group of friends who help each other out when they are in a bind and the sister doesn’t seem to have that. That isn’t the LWs fault. I’ve watched the children of friends when needed. Where are the sister’s friends? Why does she have no one but her mom and her sister. Especially if the family has lived in this area for years, which I’m guessing because they all live close to each other, why doesn’t the sister have good friends? The kind of friends who help you out when you need it? There is more going on here than the LW being a selfish, bad sister.
I stand by my earlier post about showing up for people you love and if this is the first time the LW has been asked to babysit overnight in two years, I don’t think that’s unreasonable. But I also agree with others who say that it’s an unfair dynamic the mother and the sister set up for there not to be other babysitter options (if that’s the case. It sounds like the sister DID ask her other options and no one else was available?). I have two kids and we don’t have family nearby (drew’s brother and his wife and kids are the nearest and they live in New Jersey, an hour’s drive away), so we’ve worked to create a circle of local support we can count on when we need help. If there was some sort of emergency, we have a handful of babysitters plus about 10 sets of people I’d feel comfortable asking to watch the kids (even overnight) if we were really in a bing. It really does take a village! And the LW is part of her sister’s village and now she’s being called on to show up. I guess I don’t understand her resentment when this is the first time in two years she’s been asked to sacrifice some personal time to help.
Bless you Wendy for your forethought in emergency child care. The kids are past needing babysitters now but my aunt and uncle used to leach off family for babysitting duties. The whole time growing up they never once hired a sitter. They have more than enough money to do so or a professional nanny but just threw it onto family. We grew bitter and annoyed. They’d never have food for the babysitter just kid stuff nor any acitivities so it was non stop entertain the kids. It drove us mad. I get it when they are very little but at 9 you can hire a local babysitter. The best was it was never an emergency situation they just thought we should do it.
This isn’t the first time she’s been asked to help. This is the first time she’s been asked to watch him overnight.
We had no relatives here so we had to find alternatives. I have personally volunteered to watch the kids of friends when I knew the friend needed it without the friend having to ask. You grow your village by being a kind, caring, giving person. You grow your village by being a nurturing person. The sister doesn’t appear to have a village. The nephew has a mom and a dad and between them they apparently don’t have a single friend or couple that could watch their son. That seems astounding for someone with a group of friends.
My guess is that the sister didn’t ask her friends. When the LW said she would babysit if the sister absolutely couldn’t find anyone else the sister waited a few days and called and said she couldn’t find anyone else without putting in any effort. Either that or the sister has no close friends. Any couple with two sets of friends should be able to find more than a single person to watch their child. They should be able to find someone who would be glad to watch the child. They shouldn’t need to wear someone down until they finally just give in and do it with resentment.
Maybe the sister would have to treat the friends better than she treats the LW. She might have to provide some food and she might have to reciprocate by watching a friend’s child from time to time. It is easier to think of family as just being there with no strings attached. Some people feel that you can use family which is totally different than being there for family because you love them. The LW’s resentment didn’t just occur. Resentment builds over time and being pushed into this childcare isn’t going to make the sisters closer. It will just grow the resentment some more.
It’s a guess, and just a guess, but the sister probably shows no gratitude or appreciation for the free babysitting. She takes it for granted as something that is owed to her by her family just because they are her family. Close family relationships work the best when you continually show your gratitude and appreciation for what they do. It works best with your spouse and it works best with your parents and your siblings and your children.
Where on earth did you get all of that from? The LW never said she isn’t compensated, or that her sister never does anything in return. Also, I doubt she has all the insight into exactly who her sister asked for help before her. Most parents would ask for help from people they know actually like their children/and that their children know, before they ask the most unwillingly aunt. She has regular sitters. She had never asked her for an overnight, and she’s babysat a handful of times in two years. Does that sound like a person taking advantage and feeling entitled to family help?
And all the judgement about them not having enough friends, WTF? She works nights! She does have friends-the LW wrote that they just hosted a party. This isn’t about her friends or lack of friends. The LW said she’d watch her nephew (who, lets be honest-will probably be asleep most, of not all night) and that should be the end of it. She said she’d do it, so she should, and she should use this experience as a lesson in how to actually say no next time.
That comes from her not having a single friend she can leave a child with overnight. She has only left her child with the grandmother overnight and in general it sounds like grandma likes that arrangement. The LW said that she often babysits during the day but doesn’t want to do overnight and didn’t want to give up her own plans.
I think that if you have a group of good friends you can find at least one that would be happy to watch your kid overnight. If you can’t that says something about the depth of the friendships. This wasn’t an emergency situation. Her sister had three weeks to find someone to watch the the nephew and in three weeks she couldn’t find a single friend that would do it. Three weeks is plenty of time to make an arrangement with a friend.
I still think it’s pretty gross that this LW, in response to her sister needing help for ONE overnight, lays out the case for her sister as a mother who doesn’t really care about her kid or want to spend time with him.
And all the backpedaling in the world doesn’t change that initial post. Yuck.
Also, it’s entirely possible that the sister’s friends are… ALSO nurses who work weird shifts and can’t watch her kid.
Just spitballing here.
Or I suppose she could be a friendless, selfish loser who doesn’t like being around her own son.
Since we’re making wild assumptions.
The first statement by the LW was off putting. She goes on and says that he mom says the same thing and the sister also sometimes says she isn’t a good mom. I think that is their family attitude. It is their family opinion that the LW agrees with and is repeating. Whether the sister is a bad mom is much harder to say but they all agree that she isn’t so good.
I think the LW’s mom took it upon herself to always be there to watch her grandson but now she’s getting tired of being on call all of the time and she is the one deciding that the LW should be filling in for overnights at least. The LW says her mom is complaining about how much her mom is being asked to babysit. Mom’s solution is to demand and guilt the LW into doing it instead.
There is this poor family dynamic going on and LW is just part of that dynamic. It sounds like they have plenty of resentment to go around. That’s why I stress being grateful for kindnesses done for you and always thanking someone and appreciating them for what they do for you. Acknowledge the help given. Practice gratitude.
@northernstar I was going to say LW was backpaddling for sure. I will lay this out like this- when someone agrees to do something and then decide they dont want to anymore they begin to make assorted excuses, usually laying out several reasons why they dont want to. She had oppurtunity to say no without having to give reasons. She agreed as she says she was guilted into doing it. The one thing that stood out to me is that LW knows she has a dog that doesnt like kids and that for whatever reason she cant leave her dog alone for barely a night or kennel her dog (at sisters home) so she would have to find someone to also watch her dog. What logic sense would it make to agree to watch sisters kid then have to find someone to watch her dog. She agreed and then totally regretted agreeing. The likelihood is her friends said “hey. We are camping this weekend. Wanna come?” And she said “yea” and then realized she had to agree to watch sisters kid and wanted an excus. To get out of it. Come on, we all have been Being 20yrs old,i would want to be backpaddling too.
Is this a new thing? Like where people are only willing to do favors if it means a specific checklist of requirements (must ask by this date, must have asked 5 other people, must not use a babysitter very often, must show this degree of contrition).
My friends’ whose siblings have kids babysit all the time. I mean, they like actually enjoy spending time with their nephews and nieces. I’ve never heard them once start analyzing the request to determine if that person deserves their help.
This just seems like it has ballooned into much bigger of an issue than it is.
