Feeling regretful, or really overreacting?
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Feeling regretful about my relationship. To keep it short (as possible,) we’ve been together for about 7 years. Through the pandemic, it solidified that we wanted to get serious, so we talked about marriage and looked at rings. He purchased a ring 6 months ago and has not proposed because he’s “waiting for the special moment.” He always said the next trip we went on; he’d do it. We had a planned trip for this week, and while packing, he said he didn’t want to do it there because it wasn’t special enough. So, he promised to take me somewhere special for my birthday, which is coming up in 3 months. I expressed that I was sad but was also okay with waiting.
Well, now he’s mad that I was ever sad. Whenever I express my emotions or feelings – if it’s not in a good light for him- he deflects by telling me everything he does and what he doesn’t like about me. Totally dismisses the problem at hand and ignores my calls/texts for hours, this time days since I said I was sad. Before I know it, most times, I am improving myself and trying to mend things, but what I initially was upset about is never even addressed. Yes, I talked to him about it, and he said he’d do better at communicating, but for him to go days without talking to me when I said I feel sad (because now I am questioning whether he is even serious about marriage or just settling to be with me.)
Until now, it was, “Let’s buy a house and then get married.” Well, we went through the entire pre-approval process and found a house, only for him to finally say he financially will be in over his head and shared financial concerns with me. I often told him to review his financials to ensure he could afford his portion of the house and responsibilities. However, i guess it was never done until we were about to put an offer in on the house.
I am feeling regretful because I was in my mid 20’s when we met, and he was in his mid-30s and was financially irresponsible then, and it hasn’t changed. I even helped him start a business to make extra money. Instead, he jokes about how his extra $ go to me (a lie because we split everything 50/50). Someone told me THEN if his life wasn’t in order by that time, it’d be the same when he was in his mid-40s. Now, I feel like I wasted all this time – 6 years. He probably hasn’t proposed because he wouldn’t have money to contribute towards a wedding and can’t pay money towards rent/mortgage. I even offered to pay rent so he could pay down his debt. Pathetic, I know. If I knew he was this bad off (he doesn’t buy fancy things but doesn’t make a lot of money, so he relies on credit cards more times than not to make ends meet to pay bills.) I probably would not have gone down this road.
So, now I am two days on being given the silent treatment, our trip is clearly not happening now, and I am just in my head.
Hi, Let me state the obvious. It appears that this arrangement, relationship, is not working for either of you. Firstly why would YOU stay with someone that:
#1 You need To “nag” to have him follow thru on plans and then it still does not happen.
#2 Is uncertain if/how/when the relationship is going to progress.
#3 Can’t listen to, handle, discuss any emotions you have that make him uncomfortable.
# 4 The doing, compromising, “fixing things work”, seems to all be on your side.
#5 His habits, especially with finances and money are likely not going to change unless he follows through on a plan you sit down and make together and not just at your behest.
#5 He pouts and gets mad and cancels things and act immature and gives the silent treatment…This is not working for him either as evidenced by his behavior and procrastination. (See the list above )
This relationship appears to either have run it’s course or you two just have different life goals and desires. Unless he would be willing to see a counsellor with you, which I bet he won’t, I don’t see much point in staying together.Thank you for responding peggy! you made valid points. I am open to counseling, but honestly at this point if he doesn’t ever text or call me, I’d be fine with moving on as well. My willingness for counseling would be if he calls and would be willing to discuss why he’s mad (his feelings in general!) and apologize. If not, i am mostly okay with moving on. I have to get over being comfortable with the familiar.
In future I don’t think it’s ever a good idea to make moves towards something as serious as buying a house when you aren’t 100% across the other person’s finances yourself. Especially when he’s shown himself to be irresponsible with money. When we were looking at houses I knew down to the cent how much money we both had and our exact expenditures.
Obviously that’s a bit of hindsight but also I think a bit analogous to your relationship. He’s got all the control, he makes you dance to his tune to keep him happy and you just take it. Why? You don’t have to sit there in misery hoping he’ll call you again and you shouldn’t have to, you deserve better than this man..
He’s not going to marry you. Because as you’ve stated and shown, he’s totally in over his head, can’t budget or afford his rent and instead of being honest with you, he turns the tables and tells you all the things he doesn’t like about you when you express you feel sad?
Please move on. He is a waste of time.
You didn’t waste 6 years, you patiently gave 6 years of your time to see if this person could get his shit together. He hasn’t. Now you have to decide if this is a deal breaker for you. If he never gets his shit together, if you are constantly waiting on him to “be ready” will that be enough for you?
I’m going to be brutally honest here because I think you need to read it in black and white: He’s not going to get his shit together. He’s a big talker. He says all the right things, but he doesn’t deliver. “perfect time” – lots of excuses there. I’m reminded of Aidy Bryant who, when her husband proposed, knew it should be private and that when she got home she immediately took off her bra and knew that she would want to have a bra on for this (for whatever reason, he knows her I don’t). So she tells that when she came home he RACED to the front door to stop her from taking off her bra so he could propose, the way he knew she wanted it. I tell you this story because he broke it down into two rules. Private. Bra. Do you need more? Is he doing this for you? Or is he stalling for himself? Will he put up barriers on where & when you get married. Do you want kids? Is he going to be a responsible parent?
Are you prepared to be disappointed for the next 20+ years and told repeatedly that you shouldn’t be disappointed. That your feelings are wrong because he didn’t mean to make you feel that way. You know what that is rightB? That’s classic fucking bullshit. My dad would pull that crap “I didn’t mean to make you sad, so you shouldn’t have been sad and you shouldn’t make your life out to be so hard” Bull.Shit.
It doesn’t sound like he cares very much about you. This isn’t how someone who wants to marry you would be acting. What if you had a friend telling you all the stuff you just shared with us here? Bet you’d be supportive but secretly hope she’d come to her senses and realize she deserves a lot better.
I don’t know you but I bet you deserve a lot better than this.
And a relationship that ends isn’t a waste of time if you apply the lessons you learned from it to your life going forward.
Thank you all! Many of my friends are in relationships much worse – constant cheating and even physical abuse. They think I’m being a princess because my situation isn’t as bad as their, but it doesn’t change the situation i am in is less than ideal.
Thank you all! Many of my friends are in relationships much worse – constant cheating and even physical abuse. They think I’m being a princess because my situation isn’t as bad as their, but it doesn’t change the situation i am in is less than ideal.
Thank you all! Many of my friends are in relationships much worse – constant cheating and even physical abuse. They think I’m being a princess because my situation isn’t as bad as their, but it doesn’t change the situation i am in is less than ideal.
Leilal, glad you got some wisdom from Wendy and everyone…here is thing now, take action and cut yourself loose. Knowing you are being treating poorly and are justified in your feeling the way you do is not enough. I hope you leave, you look, and you will find someone much better. Take some time to re-establish who you are and what you need and want. Best wishes for a better life!
