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Feeling resentment towards friend’s relationship

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This topic contains 12 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by avatar Ange 1 month ago.

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  • #838027 Reply
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    Melanie

    Hey everyone, I’ve been best friends with this girl for a few years now. This is long but I am going to summarize as best as I can. To start, we’re both 20 and attending the same university. We live in two different residences: I live in a co-Ed one and she lives in an all-girls res.

    When my best friend met her boyfriend, a guy who lives on my floor, I was ecstatic for her. She is such a smart and likeable person, so she deserves a great guy! I really like her boyfriend, too, he is genuinely awesome.

    However, things took a turn pretty soon. After two weeks of dating, she dropped the L bomb and they started spending all their time together. Honestly, they are a super annoying couple. The types that are CRAZY about PDA. After a couple months, my best friend told him she wants to marry him, have his children, own a dog with him, etc. I find this concerning as we are only 20, and they’ve only been dating for a few months! Additionally, she has stopped caring about her education, and has expressed that she doesn’t care to work a day in her life, so long as her boyfriend has an income. She used to have such high aspirations, so this also concerns me.

    While I found all of that annoying, I really wasn’t upset until an incident took place earlier this month. We had made plans to live together next year off campus. She got us into an ordeal and we lost our housing for next year. Her mom is strict about where she lives, so everything had to be run past her. I did ALL of the research on housing in the area, rent rates, etc. with NO help from her. I hoped she would help as she was the one who got us into this situation. All she did was chase after her boyfriend. She even forgot that we had a FaceTime appointment to discuss all this with her mom because she made plans with her boyfriend. And I was the bad guy for making her cancel her plans in order to ensure we weren’t homeless for next year!

    That incident festered, but I am growing increasingly angry. She has not left her boyfriend’s place in weeks (our floor), and expects me to smuggle food for her from the caf from which she has no access to. She seeks me out so that I can be a sounding board for everything she wants to talk about yet she has no idea what’s going on in my life. Every time I ask her to hang out (without her boyfriend), she says, “No, I have plans with my boyfriend this weekend.” But they have plans every weekend, which usually consists of them watching jeopardy in his room! Ugh.

    Am I crazy for feeling resentful towards their relationship? I have a loving boyfriend too, but I still try to have a balance. I am feeling so unimportant. I also am concerned that she’s throwing everything away for a guy. What should I do?

    #838032 Reply
    Cleopatra_30
    Cleopatra_30
    Participant

    I highly suggest taking more time away from this friend as they are clearly not interested in investing time any more into your friendship. This period will most likely run its course, I think most people at that age get a little obsessive and caught up in a new relationship. In the meantime it shouldn’t be your responsibility, even as a friend, to take on their change in of lifestyle, let alone having it stressing you out. School is more than enough, don’t let your friends issues cloud your own aspirations and goals.

    I also HIGHLY suggest not moving in with them. Their actions are not of those wanting to work with you and be cooperative in the rental finding, not a good quality, among others, to have for a roommate. See if any of your other friends can live with you, or stay in rez one more year if that isn’t possible. One ideally where she is not living.

    You really shouldn’t be bowing to her every need to help her with her clear obsession of her boyfriend, if anything, her BF should be the one bringing her things and taking responsibility for her staying with him. Don’t be a pawn in her relationship. Either tell her you are too busy to talk or hangout and initiate less with her via text or other communication.

    #838036 Reply
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    anonymousse
    Member

    Cleopatra had some great advice. I don’t think you should move in with her. Take a step back, don’t smuggle her food in and just hope this little obsession is over sooner than later.

    #838038 Reply
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    ron

    You thought she went to college to get an education. She actually went to get a husband. This laser focus on him may even drive him away, once the honeymoon period is past, but for now she is determined not to let him get away.

    #838042 Reply
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    LisforLeslie

    DO NOT MOVE IN WITH HER. DEFINITELY DO NOT MOVE IN WITH THEM.

    I suspect your friend is highly sheltered and this is her first bf. She has no practice and so she’s thrown herself in. Fine. But she’s made him a priority over: Herself, her friends, everything else. So not healthy.

    The likelihood that this relationship lasts is close to 0%. When it fails I bet that she will put herself on your doorstep bawling her eyes out. And if you take her in, and comfort her, she will spend all of her time crying and making it all about her failed relationship until she finds the next one. And she’ll do this all over again.

    So it’s time to detach. She will barely notice. Just start reaching out to new friends, join a club or something. Don’t speak badly about her – gossip travels and you don’t need that added drama.

    When she comes back (and again, it’s gonna happen) just be busy. If you want to invite her out with your new friends, that’s ok. And if you don’t, that’s OK too.

    But you don’t have to put up with girlfriends who don’t understand “Sisters before Misters”.

    #838043 Reply
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    scorpio
    Member

    I second the advice to not move in with her. If you are already having issues just finding a place to live and you taking on the bulk of the responsibility in that, it will only get worse once you actually share a space.

    #838050 Reply
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    cdobbs

    ugh, i had a friend exactly like this….her number one priority in life was whatever guy she was with at the time….she would cancel or flake out on plans all the time if the boyfriend wanted to do something….and then during times she was single would want me to drop everything to hang out….even on the rare occasion we did hangout we couldn’t talk about anything because it was always “well my boyfriend thinks this”….LW you should not live with this girl….and if she needs food, let her boyfriend smuggle it to her….focus on yourself and meeting other friends….this girl has an unhealthy attachment (codependence) with the boyfriend….and until that runs its course you will probably always be second fiddle

    #838053 Reply
    TaraMonster
    TaraMonster
    Participant

    Yeah do NOT move in with her. You’ll just be living with their relationship and it will drive you crazy (edit: if this relationship even lasts that long). I went through something similar a few years after college when a friend and I rented an apartment together. It was great at first, until she got a boyfriend and they became so codependent that he basically never left our place. I had a loving boyfriend as well, so it wasn’t jealousy or anything like that. He was in the living room. All. The. Time. And I liked him and was really happy for them. It was just waaay too much.

    You don’t need to be this girl’s mom. Stop enabling her (with the food) and if she wants to break a Facetime date with her own mother, let her. I bet if she does it again her mom will step in with some choice words. I doubt they’ll be effective, but that’s her mom’s role, not yours. Find your own housing for next year and let your friend sort herself out.

    #838057 Reply
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    MaltaKano

    It doesn’t sound like you’re resentful or jealous- you’re justifiably hurt by a shitty friend. This happens all the time in college. I would just take this as a lesson in friendship. She can still be a friend, but is clearly not worthy of being a priority in you life. I would avoid moving in together unless you think she’d stay at the boyfriend’s all the time, paying rent but essentially giving you a full place to yourself. I had a roommate like that once and it was awesome.

    #838058 Reply
    Copa
    Copa
    Participant

    I don’t think this is too uncommon. Most of us have probably had a friend who threw themselves into a relationship at the expense of everything/everyone else and we find ourselves giving them the side eye.

    Anyway, it’s not your job to help her find balance — it doesn’t seem like she wants it right now in any case — so now is a good time to scale back on the friendship. It’s not your job to be sneaking her food from the cafeteria because she can’t be apart from her boyfriend. You also don’t need to be her on-call sounding board for everything if you’d rather be investing your time in friendships that feel more reciprocated, or making sure she has a place to live next year.

    I’m a little confused about what happened with the housing–it sounds like you will be living together next year even though she made some mistakes? If you’re still searching for housing next year, I’d also recommend finding alternative roommates. She’s unconcerned to the point that she’s not helping. If you’re locked into being roommates next year, be comforted by the fact that their relationship might not even last that long. My freshman year of college, my roommate’s boyfriend was always in our room. I actually really liked him a lot, but they were super codependent and I hated being around them constantly when I was in my own space.

    #838066 Reply
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    dinoceros
    Member

    I had a friend who acted similarly in college. It was frustrating and I missed her, but I had other friends and I just started spending time with them. If you don’t have other people to hang out with, this is a good time to get involved in other things or start spending more time with other people.

    It’s also a good time to learn not to put all your eggs in one basket. I’m in my 30s and even though my friends are all good at being a friend, people have their own lives. People move. They have babies and get busy. You’re going to have to accept that not everyone is going to be around all the time, and sometimes it’s because they are ridiculous and sometimes it’s because life happens. If I put that much weight on each individual friendship, I’d be resentful all the time because someone would always be prioritizing something else in their life.

    #838073 Reply
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    ron

    Tell her she won’t be near her bf next year, if she flunks out this year. Her comment that she never plans on having a job is more than a little short-sighted and scary in the modern world. Perhaps her bf comes from money or is set up to have a great career, but will he want such an undirected wife? She’s playing with fire and in danger of torching her future.

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