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Fell in love, didn't work out, need advice

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This topic contains 36 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by avatar LisforLeslie 3 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #749512 Reply
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    Al1212

    Hi. I fell in love with a girl 4 months ago. She used to be a friend but when we got closer I fell for her really hard. But things didn’t work out, I thought she disrespected me and pulled myself out from her completely. Yet it’s a fact that I can’t get over her. Of course I’m not clinging on to a hope that we would be together but I’m still hurting. I’m not in love with her but since we didn’t work out our problems, I feel stuck. We have many common friends, so avoiding her is not very possible. I thought that she didn’t care at all, but that may not be the case because she’s always sorry and anxious when we have to interact. This week I made some plans with the said friends, after me they invited her too and she said she’s in. So I assume she wants to keep being friends.

    I feel like we can’t pull it off before we talk our problems through. Because I’m still too distant and cold towards her (as our friends say) but I don’t want to be that way. Of course I won’t risk falling for her again by being close to her, but when I really like someone it always ends in this way, we disconnect and we never talk again. I always do it passive-agressively and this is something I want to change.

    So, I’m planning to talk to her. Why I acted that way, my point of view in this situation, what I felt back then. I think this may help healing my relationship/friendship with her. I will tell her I fell for her hard, and when she chose to ignore me it hurted me because not only I was romantically rejected, I thought my friendship didn’t mean anything to her. Just to get it out of my system. We both already feel so awkward and sad about it so I feel like I can’t mess it up more. Hopefully 🙂

    I think that, when I see her, I can talk to her a little bit then I can suggest meeting and talking sometime, just to keep things low pressure. If I have to I may say that I need to speak with her. Then, I will tell her everything and I think it may help me moving on. Should I do that? I’m already feeling almost 0 hope about her being my girlfriend, so you can answer my question according to that, this is not an attempt to get her. I’d appreciate the comments and suggestions.

    #749513 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    Never mind.

    #749514 Reply
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    Kate

    Ok, IF you were dating this woman for those few months, sure, have a quick post-mortem over coffee to clear the air so you can be friends. The goal is just to agree that it didn’t work out, but no hard feelings.

    If you weren’t dating her, don’t do that. Just start acting normal around her. She doesn’t owe you any type of conversation about your “problems.” She’s just a friend who you got feelings for and started acting crazy, and now she feels awkward and uncomfortable around you.

    #749515 Reply
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    JD

    @kate I am a bit unsure if they broke up or he just fell for her. In one part he says it didn’t work out and the next he says “tell her I fell for her”.

    If they did in fact break up then it’ll be awkward, especially since LW is being such a passive aggressive jerk, per his admission.

    If they didn’t date and he just fell for her and now is acting this way it is going to be even more awkward and I would keep my mouth shut.

    #749516 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    Oh yeah. That’s true, nowhere does it say they dated. Ok, forget everything I just said if you were not in fact dating. Fuck, I’m going to go back and delete it.

    #749519 Reply
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    Al1212

    There’s not a breakup type of situation since we were not oficially dating. Just, we always had a good time, opened up to eachother, and we really got along. I don’t think she saw me as a potential boyfriend or anything like that. By “working out our problems” I meant working out my problems. I just feel like doing it, I already have my closure, she’s not into me and probably will never be into me. I just want to clear the air. I’m tired of keeping all of those things to myself, I feel like I can let go by letting those feelings out. I’m aware that it may be a bad idea but still. At least I’m not trying to manipulate her into liking me, as I did before.

    #749520 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    No, please don’t. That’s not appropriate here. You’re putting her in an unfair situation by making her sit down and listen to your issues. Just start acting normal.

    #749521 Reply
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    JD

    You just need to deal with yourself and not have this conversation with her. She is going to think you are nutter butter and you are going to make it more awkward. Also, I am assuming you are fairly young. You literally didn’t date this person so why should it be so awkward? Just move on and be polite. It shouldn’t be that difficult.

    #749522 Reply
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    Al1212

    So how can I act normal then? I just can’t bring myself to do it. Do I need to give it more time?

    A friend told me to do “the talk” only if she wanted to, so yeah, maybe it’s a wrong idea to do that speech. I considered talking it out because her friends mentioned that she was unhappy, I was being too cold/harsh towards her. She already asked me once if I was upset at her and I just told her no because I didn’t want her to see me as a weak man. But I was. I thought that if I confessed to her I acted that way because of my own issues, maybe it’d free her of guilt and sadness (assuming if she feels any). Maybe it’d make her feel better to know I’m not pursuing her any longer. I don’t know, I didn’t even think kind of “forcing her” into talking things out, I just thought that if there would be an opportunity I would do it.

    #749523 Reply
    juliecatharine
    Juliecatharine

    Nooooo. Dude, if you can’t move past this talk to a therapist. Leave this girl alone and in the future do not try to manipulate people into liking you, it’s not cool and you will rightfully get the reputation of being a creeper.

    #749524 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    What your friend said makes sense if they meant “only do the talk if SHE asks YOU to talk.” The problem with “only if she wants to” is that women are conditioned to be polite and caring and deal with other people’s emotional shit, so if you said to her, “can we talk?,” she’d probably feel she had to say yes. Can you not just visualize how you’d interact with her if she was any other friend you didn’t have feelings for, and act out how a nice, considerate, respectful guy would conduct himself? Think about making it not awkward FOR HER. Not for you. Fake it til you make it.

    #749525 Reply
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    Ron

    It sounds like this woman did not disrespect you at all. Really, it almost sounds that since you fell for her hard that you believe that entitles you to have her fall for you. It doesn’t. If she sensed that you, someone she had no romantic interest in, was falling hard for you after the two of you had deep discussions, the natural and kind thing to do would be to stop feeding your infatuation by continuing to have those discussions. She realized that she had misjudged the state of your ‘friendship’ and pulled back to protect both of you.

    Look at it this way: you say you fell hard for her; how many women have you fallen hard for? A really small percentage of the women you know — right? Well, the same for the women you will meet in your life. Just a small percentage will have any romantic interest in you. A much larger percentage will have a friend interest. So, most of the women you start to fall for aren’t going to share your romantic interest. You up the odds when you fall for women based upon common interests, liking their personality, common world views, etc. in addition to just physical attraction, but you still need to expect more misses than hits. The misses can come after a year of dating. That can be far more painful when it ends. Most of the women you date aren’t going to end up in a long-term relationship with you. That’s fine and normal.

    This was a lot of words triggered by a visceral reaction to your statement that you pulled back because you were disrespected. You were not anything remotely close to being disrespected. I won’t say you are entitled, because basically you sound inexperienced. In future, try not to build up a super-relationship fantasy in your mind until you see concrete evidence that the feeling is mutual. Simply asking her out on a date is the time-tested way to get a sense if there is any mutuality of feeling.

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