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Fiancé pushes me to my limits when we fight

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This topic contains 26 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by bondbabe bondbabe 2 months ago.

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  • #755842 Reply
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    ET

    My fiancé and I have been together for almost 9 years. We don’t constantly fight, but the past couple of years when we do fight, I feel like the arguments have gotten more escalated. I do admit I have a bit of a short temper, and he knows this yet when we fight he makes it his mission to say things that make me mad on purpose. For instance:

    One time he cooked himself a chicken breast to pack for his lunch the next day. He takes it out of the oven, cuts it up, and puts it in a container. I walk by and notice that the chicken is still RAW in the center! He was about to let the raw chicken sit in the container overnight, bring it to work the next day, and microwave it until it’s cooked. That is disgusting and did not make any sense to me at all!! So naturally I brought it up and yelled at him for endangering himself and his coworkers with possible salmonella. We argued (yes, he still argued with me even though he is clearly in the wrong) and he will condescendingly say things like “yes, I like to eat raw chicken” which obviously isn’t true he just says it because he knows it will light an even bigger fire in me and make me more mad.

    He does this with every fight we have, says things to make me even more mad and make the argument worse. The other night I got so mad that I slapped him in the face for the first time ever, and he just looked at me and LAUGHED and said I was weak (again, to make me more mad).

    I’ve talked to Him about this in the past and he keeps saying he will stop, but when we are in the heat of the moment, he still continues. How do I handle this? I love him, but the thought of spending the rest of my life being constantly challenged when we argue does not sound great.

    #755844 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    Ok, the fact that you slapped him in the face (!!!) should be a huge wake up call that something is seriously wrong. That’s unacceptable and indicates that you have an uncontrolled anger problem – the *yelling* at him about the chicken seems like it may support that, as well as the fact you say you have a temper – or your relationship is in serious trouble, or both.

    Yelling at him about the chicken was not appropriate. I might be like, “hon, that chicken’s still pink, I noticed. Did you know you can’t eat chicken that’s not fully cooked or you could get very sick?” And when he explained his plan, you could be like, “yeah, I get you, but I’m not sure it’d fully cook in the microwave, and I don’t want you to get sick.”

    He’s coming back at you with more shit because you’re coming at him highly aggressively and making him feel stupid as well as defensive. You don’t see that? You guys are not fighting fair, and you need to know how to do that. You’re aggressive and unpleasant and you’ve now become physically violent. I think you should see a counselor together ASAP and sort out whether you both even want to make this work. If you do, you need help.

    #755845 Reply
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    Northern Star

    “…So naturally I brought it up and yelled at him for endangering himself and his coworkers with possible salmonella.”

    Why in the world do you think it’s “natural” to start screaming at someone for making a mistake? Or having a different plan than you?

    You need to realize it’s YOUR DECISION—and a nasty character flaw—to get angry. Because you CHOOSE to start yelling. You CHOOSE to slap your fiance around (let’s call it what it is—domestic abuse).

    How about you CHOOSE to get to a therapist and work on this issue before it escalates and you end up whacking him with a baseball bat or something because “he made you angry”?

    This is absolutely not OK behavior from you. At ALL.

    #755849 Reply
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    Fyodor

    Your fiance is not responsible for your yelling, your anger issues, and your physical abuse of him. You need to see a therapist and gain some control and ownership of your destructive behavior. The fact that you think that it’s his fault that you yell at and hit him is one of the hallmarks of an abuser.

    #755853 Reply
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    Vathena

    Um, what? If your fiance wrote in, I would tell him to leave you now, to run far and run fast. You are abusive.

    The chicken thing is beyond stupid for you to have gotten that upset about. If I noticed my husband did that, I’d be like, “Hey babe, this still looks a little pink in the middle, want me to pop it back in the oven for a few minutes?” YOU were the one that escalated by attacking him over it. If that’s an example about the kinds of fights you pick with him, I can see why he’d respond that way to you.

    If you want to save this relationship (which frankly sounds beyond saving), seek therapy to work on your anger issues.

    #755854 Reply
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    JD

    You have serious anger issues. Yelling over chicken. Short of him literally about to put it into his mouth and you yelling out “noooooooo” that is insane. And slapping him. Look I slapped a man once, because he had me cornered and was about to physically hurt me badly. You slapped your fiance over an argument, hopefully this time not about chicken. He may push your buttons but you have serious anger control issues. You don’t “obviously” yell at someone over chicken. Let me explain exactly how this convo should go:

    You: Oh babe that chicken isn’t cooked through. Also really unsafe to leave chicken sitting on the counter overnight, it will go back.
    Him: I cooked it most of the way and was going to microwave it the rest of the way, to keep it moist.
    You: Oh ok, just be careful it is cooked through, also be sure put it in the fridge so it doesn’t go bad overnight.

    See, simple. No yelling. At most, once he got sick off overnight chicken, I’d have limited my sympathy for his upset tummy.

    #755855 Reply
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    ET

    Before everyone starts accusing me of domestic violence or whatever it is you want to call it, I am NOT physically abusive.

    First of all, I yelled at him bc it wa snot the first time he has done that. I am not someone who will just go and yell at someone for no reason. He had done that in the past and repeating his mistakes. The first time I saw raw chicken I told him he should probably not do that. The second time I saw it again I yelled at him.

    Secondly, a slap in the face is hardly abuse. before you go judging me and calling my physically abusive, I would never resort to domestic violence. I slapped him in the face bc we were in an argument and he brought up something that he knows I am incredibly sensitive about and used it against me, and he deserved a slap in the face, in the literal and non literal sense. I would never resort to hitting someone with a baseball bat, so please don’t paint an image of me in that way.

    #755858 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    My husband knows how to cook and does a great job with Blue Apron and Hello Fresh. One time he made pork and it was still a bit pink (if you turn the burner too high, grease spatters everywhere). I cut into it and was like, oh, it’s not quite done, gotta cook it a little longer, and got up to do it. He got frustrated because he was tired and stressed and maybe didn’t realize pork isn’t like beef, it can’t be medium-rare. But it would never occur to me to yell in that situation. Like Vathena said, you could even offer to cook it longer yourself, that would be a nice thing to do.

    #755860 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    Omg. A slap is absolutely domestic violence. Are you serious?

    #755861 Reply
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    Essie
    Participant

    No. Just no. You can’t maintain a relationship where you fight this way. Fix it or end it, but for the love of god don’t marry with things the way they are.

    I’m with the others – why would you yell at him for undercooking chicken? You can’t just say “yikes, that chicken’s still raw in the middle, I think it needs a few more minutes?”

    I recognize the symptoms here, because I saw it in a friend’s marriage. The relationship had run its course, but they married anyway. The contempt and resentment came out. They were terrible in the way they talked to each other. It got worse and worse, the fights because more and more frequent and meaner. It was horrible to be around them – people stopped socializing with them because it was so embarrassing.

    You’re already at the point where you’re becoming physically abusive, and you’re not even married yet. He’s taunting you to get under your skin. Do you even like each other anymore?

    #755862 Reply
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    Vathena

    “I am NOT physically abusive…” Yes, you are, slapping your partner in the face is the literal definition of physical abuse.

    Your relationship is toxic and neither of you fights fair. Counseling can give you the tools to argue (discuss/debate) without fighting dirty or physically hurting each other. I’m a little skeptical about whether you should even try to work things out, though. Why do you even want to stay together at this point?

    #755863 Reply
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    Bacon Mistress

    Jesus! Are you guys 18? I agree with the others. You getting mad over chicken says a lot about the situation AND you. And slapping? So far I fear for your boyfriend here.

    Break up and work on yourselves or find a therapist who can help you fight fair or you are going to end up on an episode of Cops. God I love that show! =)

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