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Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Fiancé requesting to slow down

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  • #1109852 Reply
    Jenny West
    Guest

    Been in a relationship for just under a year. When I met her I was homeless and living in a hostel 150 miles away. Got a job local to her. Started seeing her every week. Whilst my children were staying with my Mother. We made plans for Christmas but they were changed last minute. Leaving me and my children alone over Christmas.
    Then in the new year she said that we were moving too fast. That she wanted us to slow down. Then the very next day is talking about children and marriage.
    I had an issue when I asked them to look after my children for three hours. Came home to her in another room with her Mum. While my children were watching tv in another, I then find they weren’t allowed toys out because of her Mum not liking the mess.
    She then asked for us to slow down, to which I said, we are not getting married tomorrow or moving in together immediately.
    I have noticed that she wants days out with my children but not to deal with day to day. Not wanting them around overnight. She helped me when I got my place about 60% the rest of the time not.
    I worked hard on making my children and me a home. She goes through my phone regularly. Which I have already asked her not to.
    I noticed that the minute we make future plans she will change them if her Mother doesn’t approve. She spends four nights at her Mothers, one night with me and the other night at home aa week.
    If she spends longer. She starts to say she is overwhelmed and wants to take a step back.
    I no longer talk about future plans or make plans which include my children. She gives me no emotional or physical support with my children, stating that they are my kids not hers. This makes me wonder what would be the point of marriage or living together. I find myself scared to talk about the future and unable to bring up the past.
    I love them deeply, but wonder if they are continuing to not fully commit to or put me in line with my children what should I do.

    #1109854 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    I think this seems like the stability is absolutely not there for this to be proceeding to marriage. It’s been less than a year! There are trust / boundary issues. She’s not ready to take on the role of a stepmother. She’s still living with her own mom. She likes your kids but it sounds like she’s still very much in the mindset of dating, not becoming a blended family. And that’s okay, it’s way too soon anyway. And sincere congratulations on finding employment and making a home for your kids, but it sounds like you’re pushing too hard to find them a ready-made parent to care for them, rather than letting a relationship unfold organically while focusing on your children primarily.

    I would break up with this person, for the reason that she goes through your phone. And that she is repeatedly asking you to slow down and feels overwhelmed if she spends more than a day a week with you. This relationship isn’t going anywhere, if it isn’t progressing after a year. Focus on you and your kids for now.

    #1109855 Reply
    Helen
    Guest

    Agree with Kate. She isn’t ready to be a stepmother. You want something she can’t give you, and it would be terrible for your kids if she tried. You should end it with her and focus on your kids. Leave yourself open to meeting someone who does want kids in their day to day life, but its not this person

    #1109857 Reply
    LisforLeslie
    Guest

    Well she’s not ready to be a stepmom but it doesn’t sound like she wants to be a stepmom – and that’s much more important.

    You’ve worked hard to provide a life for you and your kids – and that’s what you need to focus on. It’s a kindness to help you out occasionally. But to your own estimate – she was doing 40% of the work to set up your household. I’m sorry, but that’s ridiculous of you to expect all the time.

    When she says it’s going to fast – she means you’re asking too much from her. And I agree with her.

    #1109859 Reply
    PassingBy
    Guest

    So you’re engaged? The reason I’m asking is that the subject of this thread says fiance, but there’s no reference to you actually being engaged in the letter.

    I think she’s made it very clear that she does not want to have a parental role with your kids. Are you okay with that? If not, you may as well end the relationship now.

    #1109860 Reply
    anonymousse
    Participant

    It honestly doesn’t even sound like you like her much or that she likes you much. She certainly doesn’t like your kids, which is 100% the reason you should move on from her. My dad married a women who hated us kids. It was horrible and still affects our relationship today.

    She may have helped you once. But that was once.

    #1109861 Reply
    ron
    Guest

    It sounds like this relationship isn’t going to work.

    #1109882 Reply
    WhyDoWeExist?
    Guest

    Sorry dude. I don’t think she is the one. Move on. Although I do agree with others that a little under a year is not that long a time in the grand scheme of things, perhaps you are expecting too much from her? Perhaps take a step and figure out why that is? Maybe you want something from your partner that you feel like you can’t give your kids? if so what is that? and why is that?

    #1109912 Reply
    Jenny West
    Guest

    We are engaged yes. They asked me. They spend time with me and the children and get on really well with them.
    They live on their own and go to thier mothers home three to four nights a week. We have arranged days out for them to be changed last minute. They prefer time alone just me and them. Then want weekend days out with the kids.
    Ultimately my children are forming attachment with them. Without the stability of a future. I do not understand why you would ask someone to marry you without intention to progress the relationship further.
    I love this person very deeply. I have been very hurt by thier words of wanting to slow things down. Suggesting that we live apart for the next ten years. Demanding alone time in addition to what it is already.
    My children like her. However I have to wonder will they in the future.

    #1109913 Reply
    Jenny West
    Guest

    We had plans for moving in and marriage in the next five years not now. Given thier words I am not so sure.

    #1109914 Reply
    Jenny West
    Guest

    You are right regarding your question she doesn’t want to be a step mum. This has really made me think.

    #1109916 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    “I do not understand why you would ask someone to marry you without intention to progress the relationship further.”

    People do a lot of weird things. Look, if someone isn’t already acting like a spouse to you and a parent figure for your kids, then a marriage proposal doesn’t mean anything except a gesture. Look at their behavior. They’re spending one night a week with you and is overwhelmed by more than that. They don’t want any nights with your kids and can’t handle caring for them alone. They don’t want to live with you. The fast proposal, combined with the going through your phone, suggests this person is insecure, controlling, and maybe worse. I think proposing is just their way to kind of have a leash on you, while continuing to do whatever they want. If you choose to willfully disbelieve your eyes and tell yourself a marriage proposal must mean this person intends to be a true partner and step-parent, then that’s going to be tragic for your kids and you. You really should end this and move on.

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