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Dear Wendy

Finding love in these times

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  • This topic has 19 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 5 months ago by A- Tee.
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  • #998598 Reply
    A tee

    Hello! My first post on here. Anyway been talking to someone since last summer and tried to do a couple of virtual dates, but no success. My plan is to ask her to a wedding this summer. By then it should probably be safe Hehe. I try not to be needy and text her only like once a week. Watcha guys think? No give up responses though. Thanks

    #998635 Reply

    Why would you want to invite a person to a wedding, let alone date someone when they can’t commit to a virtual date, or make you feel like you need to limit your contact with them?

    Sorry, this one is a dud. MOA and find someone who is just as interested in you who is willing to put the time and effort (which at this point for a virtual date is pretty minimal), and doesn’t make you paranoid with messaging.

    #998639 Reply

    Yes, she’s just not very interested in you, at least romantically, may not even be available. For certain, she won’t go to a wedding with you. That’s a preposterous thought. You’ve talked to her on-line. You can’t make a first meet in-person something long and involved like a wedding/reception. Summer also might be a tad early to expect a return to pre-Covid normalcy.

    #998761 Reply
    A tee

    Oh! Well someone told me to ask her closer to the wedding! Here’s to being preposterous

    #999340 Reply

    You shouldn’t be taking someone to a wedding as a first date, especially when you’ve never even met! And especially when she doesn’t seem interested and can’t even commit to a virtual date. This entire situation is odd.

    #1001526 Reply

    She shut down a video chat, which is a low effort way to at least see if there is attraction. Does she ever text you first? Has she ever broached the subject of dating you? When you text her does she text back and keep the conversation going?

    You don’t want to be told to give up. I’m not sure why you wrote in if you don’t want honest advice, but, ok. Go ahead and ask her now. The chances she’ll say yes are very, very small. And when she says no (or maybe or I don’t know which are all soft ways to say no) I hope you’ll move on and start investing your time into other people and opportunities. If this is a pattern – investing in people who aren’t investing back in you, continuing to want a relationship after the other person has given signals they don’t, not wanting to hear/face uncomfortable truths- it would be worth talking to a counselor about these issues. Therapy can help immensely and you’ll come out a much happier person. And self confident, happy people attract other great people to them.

    #1001596 Reply

    You are playing games – limiting how often you reach out to her not because you’re busy or have other things going on, but because you don’t want to seem needy.

    Are you not meeting up because of COVID or are you not meeting up because she’s miles and miles and miles away?

    Also, a wedding as a first date sounds just awful.

    #1013252 Reply

    Alright! Things have sort of fizzled out with her. During these times how do I figure things out? Do I need a dating coach again? Maybe a lif coach

    #1013260 Reply

    You need to be talking to more people and stop wasting time on duds. You just wasted what, 6 months, on someone you couldn’t text more than once a week and wouldn’t get on video. If things aren’t progressing with someone you are talking to, just stop. Like, it should keep moving to another level. A few messages on the app, to texting, to video dates (only because this is a pandemic), to meeting up, to seeing each other more often. You should be initiating conversations with several people, and only continue with the ones who reciprocate and with whom things are progressing. Don’t put all your energy into someone who’s not reciprocating that energy. Meet up as soon as possible- for a drink or coffee, NOT a wedding. And don’t waste time on people who live long-distance either.

    You may need a coach. Your style on here is not conducive to meeting people, if this is how you communicate online. The exclamation marks, the “Hehe,” the short vague messages, it’s not the way to make a connection. You sound like you could use some help just navigating the online dating scene and communicating.

    #1013278 Reply

    Also, counseling. You’re struggling to make connections, you’re consistently investing tons of time and effort into people who aren’t investing the same level back, and you don’t take social cues or solid advice, even when you ask for it. Maybe you’re self sabatoging, maybe you feel unworthy, maybe there’s underlying mental health stuff going on. A counselor can help you dig in and become a happier person who is more confident and in tune with others. This can only help you.

    #1013292 Reply

    I agree a therapist is a good idea. I think there’s something deeper going on here — something that’s making you cling to an online-only relationship for months on end when the other person is won’t reciprocate with the bare minimum, something that’s making you think it’s inherently needy to want basic needs met, etc. A dating coach can help you get your profile in great shape to increase your odds of landing in person dates, perhaps help you manage some dating anxieties, but a therapist can help unpack whatever emotional component(s) got you to where you are now. Perhaps you can use the rest of the pandemic to seek therapy first, then try dating again when you’re in a better mental state and it’s safe/easier to meet up in person.

    #1014334 Reply

    She was showing you months ago that she had no interest in even a virtual date, but you continued to text with her and even contemplated asking her to a wedding, which honestly is way too much for a first date.

    You did not pick up on her cues and refused to consider “quitting.”

    I don’t think now is the time for you to be looking for love online. Work on yourself, make some friends and figure out how to read the signs of what someone is showing you. A therapist would be a great idea.

    Don’t invite someone you barely talk to on long, intense dates like a wedding. It should be a coffee or something low stakes to even see if you like each other.

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