- This topic has 46 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 1 week, 3 days ago by Sara.
October 8, 2020 at 6:28 pm #963051
Arguing with him isn’t going to change his viewpoint. Just like he arguing against your opinions isn’t going to change yours. There is science backing that people don’t back down, they grasp tighter to what they think is true. Facts don’t work. Science doesn’t work. It doesn’t matter if you are right, and have evidence. His thinking isn’t logical or fact based. Trump supporters believe what they want to, which in a nutshell is Fuck Liberals and all the things they care about.
It’s a fundamental different viewpoint and life experience. You standing up for women, poor people, Jews, etc only inflames his anger. It’s not going to change his mind. I understand you want to stand up for injustice but this isn’t going to enact any change at all. Donate, text bank, be a poll worker, volunteer, protest. Fighting with trump supporters just gives them fuel to say you’re a liberal snowflake who has feelings. They don’t give a shit about your feelings.
I say this as someone with Trump lovers in my family. I can’t talk to them about anything but literally the weather. And that’s hard enough.October 8, 2020 at 6:35 pm #963052
I don’t think you should ever talk to him about anything substantial ever again, if you do ever speak to him again. He literally told you he’s an antisemite and you’re Jewish.
I hope your bf is a lovely person, but you might want to do some deep soul searching if you want to continue in this relationship. I’m not saying this means he is also prejudiced, but it wouldn’t surprise me. You’re right to feel upset by all of this.October 8, 2020 at 6:37 pm #963053OriginalusernameGuest
Ugh. It feels so awkward right now to even think about going over there one day in the future and pretending like this guy didn’t insult me, my friends, family and tell me to leave his country to my face. Right now, I don’t feel safe going over there. It’s too fresh. It’s just so fucking stupid that somebody could invalidate not just my life and my experiences, but those of my friends and family because he is just allowed to do that and everyone has to just deal with it because that’s just the way it is. I wasn’t trying to make anything ugly or insulting. I was just trying to say that these experiences are real, they happen. They exist. I’m lucky enough to pass as just being a tanned white person, or some people just assume I’m Italian… I have that priveledge. I don’t want anyone to feel comfortable insulting other races or marginalized groups in front of me and just not say anything back. It feels like I’m betraying half my family and so many of my friends that way.October 8, 2020 at 6:39 pm #963054briseGuest
LW, your post is way too long. You were right to leave (though I would have taken the car and drove home, not walked by night on a road). What strikes me is that you focus on him being a trumpist. That is ugly but not a crime. The problem is: he is abusive, with everybody in his family, and also now with you. He doesn’t like you, who you are, he doesn’t appreciate you as his son’s girlfriend, and he shows it clearly. So I understand that you don’t want to interact with him – though the statement “I will never be in the same room” is too radical.
What you have to get rid of is the idea that you should be enmeshed in your BF’s family, be part of his family drama. You don’t. You can date him and not have to deal with an abusive man. So let your BF go to his family, and deal with his family in his own way, but don’t engage with them, don’t go there. Unfollow them on social media. Don’t react to the jewel’s offer, ask your BF to give you a rest with his family drama. Just date your BF. You are not married anyway, so don’t act as if they were in-laws. That will be for later, if you do get married. And even if you do get married, you don’t have to be inflicted family time with an abusive man. I would totally ignore this angry old man, and meet him only when absolutely necessary, like for a funeral or such family ceremonies where you can avoid him easily.
You can be with a partner and say: I don’t get along with your dad. It is like this, it exists. For this, you have to become more adult. You are still way, both of you, too submitted and non-emancipated from family. Being adult is to make choices and lead your life the way you want, without defending yourself to do so. You don’t have to convince this man with politics or even to be intimidated by his behavior. Just be who you are and exert your freedom. Don’t interact with him, without making a drama about it.
So freeze everything now, and reconsider it in a year. My guess: if you get married and have kids, he will change considerably his stance. But you will never be close. Let it sink in your mind that you will have to deal with your BF’s family in a distance. That is Ok.October 8, 2020 at 6:50 pm #963055KateKeymaster
Yes, you’re supposed to not get in a fight with your boyfriend’s parents at dinner.
When I was 19, we were visiting family at Christmas and I got in a fight with my uncle and started screaming at him when he was saying some sanctimonious shit about gay people and church. Now 25 years later he’s still a fucking tool (though he did not vote for Trump, I’ll give him that). I have to see him once a year. I’m surface polite but basically ignore him. He still says things that get my blood boiling, but what’s the point of fighting with him? Why wind myself up and have to hear more of his bullshit views?October 8, 2020 at 6:57 pm #963056OriginalusernameGuest
Brise- lmfao it seriously was a novel, wasn’t it? I had been typing it out on my phone in memopad for a few days now. Sorry about that. Thanks for reading what you did though.
Yeah, the only thing is that his family is just…very tight knit. They’re always throwing affairs and your always expected to attend. I get e-invites from his second and third cousins regularly for different events and I’m part of several group texts with different members of his family. Its overwhelming at times. I’m wondering if I could just ignore them though. Part of the reason we don’t want to get married is that his family throws these enormous affairs and he doesn’t like crowds. That, and we’re both fine with how things are now. I love him, he loves me. We have a dog we adopted together last year.
Next year we want to move back to the city, farther away from his parents and cousins. Our physical closeness location-wise to all of them doesn’t really help.October 8, 2020 at 7:14 pm #963058hellosGuest
It must be overwhelming to go into such a big and tight knit family, i totally understand the awkwardness, because im an awkward person too.
But they ARE inviting you, they accept you. I see it as a good sign. Of course if you dont feel comfortable yet, don’t force yourself to go, but i would recommend to attend in the future, you don’t have to be a social butterfly and force yourself into being something you’re not, just go with your boyfriend and have a good time with each other, make small talk with other family members if you feel like it.
I also have a bad experience with my boyfriends father, but i just stayed until the end, i swallowed my tears and tried to be the bigger person. I knew i could not change him so i just accepted it. I am a little bitter though, im not going to deny it haha
He also remarked the fact that is family is buddhist (im christian) and i was like, umm ok 👍🏻.October 8, 2020 at 7:23 pm #963059LisahGuest
There has been some great advice given. I would like to add that this abusive man will be the grandfather of your children. I strongly suggest couples counseling especially pre marriage counseling to discuss the role that BF parents will be involved. Will you be comfortable dropping kids off with his parents for the day? Will BF accept that his parents will never get unsupervised visits. Depending on what boundaries that your BF is willing to set will determine if marriage and kids are possible. It’s easy to tell a BF to go and visit his family without but what happens when BF/husband wants to take the kids and you don’t want to go. Are you sure your BF/husband will remain anti catholic when the kids come or will he want to rediscover his roots and raise kids catholic or maybe another denomination. I’m sure the two of you have talked about many of these things but since there are newly discovered family dynamics an updated check in would be wise. Good luck. Your BF does sound wonderful.October 8, 2020 at 7:39 pm #963060Miss MJGuest
Everything @Kate said. Seriously. If you and your BF are on the same page, then let it go. My husband’s parents are “polite” trumpers. So, we long ago quit talking politics with them. Why? It only leads to ugliness and doesn’t change anything. They’re retired, not in positions of authority and, well, old. It is what it is. That said, we also don’t have kids. I’d have serious reservations about letting them influence my never gonna exist kids. If you and your BF have children, ignore my let it go advice and feel free to say oh, hell no and set Very Hard Boundaries. But, otherwise, quit slamming your head into a wall with them. Focus on the change you can make happen.October 8, 2020 at 7:43 pm #963061
If you marry this guy, you’ll either have to be semi involved and be part of the group texts, etc or he will have to have a falling out with his family. You can’t expect that. This type of situation should turn your stomach and make you think about the long term repercussions of your relationship.
I married my husband on an opposite coast of the country, and had barely met much of his family. We both just weren’t big fans of most of our family. We bonded over that, in fact. Well, as luck would have it, tragedy struck to such a level we decided to move home to be closer his family. So now we are involved. We live an hour away, but let’s just say over this year I have seriously considered moving our family of four back across the country. It’s not just politics of course, but family dynamics can be really fucking hard to deal with. Tight knit and big families… stick together. Knowing all of this, I would still make the same choices, but don’t think it gets easier or that you can change minds with discussions or arguments. And my husband chooses me, and would if he had to. I know that. He’s always on my side and would never let what happened to you happen to me.
I mean it sounds like his dad is a huge abusive bully and that is probably why your bf is so shy and anxiety filled over little things. He could probably use some therapy. We all can.October 8, 2020 at 7:44 pm #963062OriginalusernameGuest
I don’t ever plan on having kids. My BF and I have discussed this at length at different times and we’re in agreement on it. It’s not that I don’t like kids, it’s just that I like my freedom more. I’m also not financially able to support a child right now. There are a lot of genetic disorders that run in my family that I would be afraid of passing on to a kid. My own mother struggled a lot with pregnancy, and even though there are 5 of us now, she lost a few children shortly after giving birth to them after full term pregnancies. Both my sisters who have children had high risk pregnancies, my youngest sister almost died after giving birth to her son/ my youngest nephew, she says that experience made her never want to have another child again. It sounds immature, but all of that has had a huge influence on me just not wanting to have a biological kid of my own. Whenever I think about being pregnant, I think about almost losing my sister and the blood on the doctor’s gloved hands.
I love my nephews and my new niece, but I’m always relieved when I get to return home to a quiet apartment after spending the day with them.
If anything, I think I can see myself adopting or fostering a kid one day in the future. One of my best childhood friends was in foster care, and her foster parents were awful to her. They kept locks on the fridge and accused her of stealing things all the time. If I had the means, I would like to take in a foster kid one day and be the opposite of how my friend’s foster parents were.October 8, 2020 at 8:23 pm #963063OriginalusernameGuest
And, short of his dad experiencing some kind of 180 life changing event after being visited by 3 ghosts…he’s not coming anywhere near my non-existent hypothetical foster child.