- This topic has 46 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 1 week, 4 days ago by Sara.
October 9, 2020 at 10:47 am #963084OriginalusernameGuest
Whow, small world anon. Are you originally from the area? It seems like everyone here has been here for a long time. It’s hard to meet new people.
I don’t want to seperated him from his family. That wouldn’t be right. I just want space to breath and be myself in. When I choose to do that now, remove myself from them just to get a little air, it’s like I become more of a problem. This is all really stupid I’m sorry. I think everything with that blowout with his dad just brang up a lot of older things to the surface.October 9, 2020 at 11:00 am #963085ktfranParticipant
The house thing. WOW.
If you stay with this person, I think you can expect his family to run his life forever. The one thing we tell every LW who writes in is you can’t change someone. He’s telling you who he is and how he wants to interact with his family. You know this. You can either stay or leave. But if you stay, know that things likely won’t change unless your boyfriend truly wants them to change. You can’t make him change.October 9, 2020 at 11:30 am #963086OriginalusernameGuest
Yeah, that was pretty annoying. I do think though that, if it weren’t for the pandemic and the subsequent precarious employment uncertainty I had for awhile there during it, we would have moved this year. I do think he gets it. You know, maybe this whole awkward silence between his family and me now isn’t such a bad thing after all. I want to save up to buy a car and go back to school. I’m carving my own emergency exit strategy just in case. I mean,atleast now I know that feeling I got of his dad not liking me is real and it’s primarily based on facets about me that are out of my control/there is nothing I can do to change it….so that’s also a positive in a very weird way. Atleast now I really know where I stand.October 9, 2020 at 12:20 pm #963088KateKeymaster
Omg. This isn’t about his dad “not liking you.” His dad is just, for whatever reason, a bigot. Again, this is not about you. You need to stop making every situation personal. You can’t live like that. I mean, keep being a pain in the ass and it will become personal.
And no, it’s not a “good thing” to be perpetuating an awkward silence between yourself and this guy’s family, if you want to be with him, because he is all about family.October 9, 2020 at 12:29 pm #963089ktfranParticipant
Right. His family is part of the package. I mean, his mom and aunt are the reason you aren’t living in a place you wanted. It’s not just his dad. It’s his entire family and every single one of them controls him.October 9, 2020 at 12:31 pm #963090HelenGuest
I was engaged, ages ago, to a guy who ran everything by his family and took their position. We talked about vacationing in Mexico and were excited about it. Till he talked to his mom who said it wasn’t safe & we should go to FL with them. He didn’t understand why I wasn’t happy about that. His family was involved in every decision, every purchase, and I couldn’t live like that. What I thought didn’t matter as much as what his family thought. I ended it. Your bf’s family sounds very enmeshed. Your best bet for a happy life with your bf is to put some distance between you two & his family. 2 or 3 hours. You can still see them frequently, but won’t be expected to show up to everything. Would your bf go for that? Can you exit the group chats? Let him deal with his family and you deal with yours.October 9, 2020 at 12:55 pm #963091anonymousseParticipant
No, I’m not from the area. We moved here about 2 1/2 years ago.
Any who, my point is he is passive and controlled by his family, and it seems you go with the flow. So you need to decide whether you want to be with a man with a bigoted family that you will always feel awkward around, or if you don’t want that. If you don’t want that, you should move on. He’s not going to change.
We get posts sort of like yours a lot. Even if he had great boundaries and wasn’t passive, I’d still say the same thing.October 9, 2020 at 5:35 pm #963096briseGuest
Your BF’s family revolves round a tyrant, a bigoted patriarch. They all developed coping mechanisms to accommodate his “possessiveness”, as you call it. This man will remain like this, and he is the most uninteresting boring person you can think of and deal with. A total loss of your energy. I think you just need to stop feeling intimidated by him and not play his game, stop obsessing about him. Focus on what you like, what makes your life interesting, what makes you progress in your career. So what if his dad still reproaches your absence at such event he invited you one year ago? Does it matter to you? No. Don’t focus on that and skip many invitations. Your BF announced clearly that they won’t see you soon, so take the chance for a detox period. Do visit more your family, who seem lovely, and spend more time hanging out in the city for thinks that you like. The balance is too much on his family. Don’t fall in the trap to be enmeshed in this dysfunctional system. Let them deal with their own drama, do the polite minimum to join 2-3 reunions per year, say banalities and focus on what is positive in your life, for yourself. You will get over it. Pursue your own dreams and don’t let an old fool suck your emotional energy.
Once you get free, you will be more able to assess your relationship for what it is.
You are not the first whose partner has a horrid parent. I see it often round friends and family. The result is usually a very reduced time with such folks, but this you can deal with, right? This is the only solution: limit your time there.October 10, 2020 at 7:46 am #963106AlexGuest
When we are around relatives, we sometimes worry way too much about what they think. It can be very hard to let go of emotional baggage, but you need to stop worrying about their expectations. In other words, be true to yourself and stop trying to please your BF’s relatives. As brise said, “Let them deal with their own drama”. You will be much happier.
When you find a new place to live, my suggestion is to keep it to yourself. Let them know only after you move.October 14, 2020 at 8:38 pm #963261Another JenGuest
Your father-in-law physically intimidated you and expressed contempt for your Jewishness and your upbringing. And your boyfriend “made up” with him. I would have a problem with that.
If one of my parents physically threatened my husband, I wouldn’t spend time with that parent and I certainly wouldn’t feel comfortable exposing my husband to further abuse.
If one of my parents expressed racist, hateful beliefs toward my husband, I wouldn’t expect him to be a good sport about it so I could continue to enjoy family visits.
I would accept nothing less from him.
Unfortunately, you can’t depend on your partner to make waves with his father to prevent you from being subjected to his physical intimidation and anti-Semitic abuse. I’m sure his childhood has a lot to
do with it, but that doesn’t make it ok. It’s up to you to protect yourself.
Don’t spend time around an anti-Semite. Don’t go into the presence of raging bigot who threatens your physical safety. If you want to see his mom or other family members, have them over to your place. Don’t be a part of their dynamic.
AJOctober 17, 2020 at 8:56 am #963358SaraGuest
Originalusername – not sure if you use social media, there is a group on Facebook which may help you not feel so alone. Check out “PA Women for Biden/Harris” on Facebook. Lots of group members sharing their experiences, many from red areas.