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Dear Wendy

First dates fail – advice needed

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  • #1095265 Reply

    It may be worth focusing on building your social network and/or doing classes, events, activities, etc where you can meet people in a more organic setting.

    #1095276 Reply

    Sandra, your thread struck some chords with me, as I am experiencing the identical thing that you are, with the first dates and done.

    You did say that you hardly met men online in your previous city, and now you only use online. Online is the problem, not you. I am a little older than you, so have been doing the online thing for more years, and even online has changed, and not for the better. It’s the same with me with women, if there’s no instant spark then that’s it. It never used to be this way.

    The only thing I can see is your noticing that 30 is coming, and your feeling a little left out with your friends getting engaged. You don’t seem to be dwelling on it, but have simply noticed it, as I understand what you have said. Maybe that’s getting picked up on, and the guys are just making assumptions that you are in a hurry.

    There’s nothing wrong with taking a break, especially during the pandemic. A lot of quality people, both men and women, are waiting for coronavirus to get under control before coming back. I went invisible in June, 2020, and will stay there for the foreseeable future.

    I kept my profile up at the very start of the pandemic, thinking I’d get to have an extended communication with matches, then maybe date in the summer. Between March and June, 2020, when I went invisible, I did find that the women I communicated with were a little more needy, and that combined with the start of the second wave got me to hid my profile. I say this, to say that the same might be true of the guys. You may be doing everything right, but it could be that the best quality guys have not yet come back.

    Bottom line, don’t assume that you are doing something wrong when you likely do not have the best pool available to you.

    Question: Did you do much online dating prior to March, 2020?

    #1095287 Reply

    Robert and Sandra both – It’s fine and good to take a break from dating and work on yourself. But if you’re actively dating and there’s a stage you’re consistently never getting past, whether that’s getting replies to your messages, getting to a first date, or getting a second date, that’s where the problem is and there’s something there to fix. If no one is replying, or no one is interested in a second date, it’s you, not them. Once you come back from your break, if you didn’t do the work to fix it, you’ll have the same issues. Robert, previously for you it was your profile. Wendy helped you fix it and now you’re past that hurdle. You’re getting responses, but you’re getting stuck at getting to the first date most of the time, and past the first date all the time. So now we know the problem is in how you communicate. You sort of listen, but don’t really, to our attempts to point out where your communication is off. But it is. I’m not trying to be an asshole, but it would be the wrong conclusion to decide, oh, it’s not me, it’s them.

    #1095288 Reply

    Also, Sandra, this:

    “In the last city I lived, I nearly always got asked on second dates, however I usually met them through mutual friends or in bars.. rarely online.”

    Those guys who you were meeting in bars or wherever, they knew how you come across in person before asking you out. It makes me think even more that your profile doesn’t match up with how you look or how you present yourself.

    Maybe you would have better luck meeting guys irl, or maybe you need to tweak your profile & pics.

    #1095296 Reply

    @Sandra, ,to @Kate’s point… I never did well in on-line dating (I did so briefly years ago) or on first dates where a friend set me up. I don’t know why I didn’t make a good first impression. I was kind of shy and awkward, especially if it was a date. I was never the life of the party. I’m not the person people gravitate towards. However, I’ve had a lot of relationships lasting anywhere from six months to several years and now am married. Each person I dated, I met through work or mutual friends or activities and it was because they got to know me a little first. I do much better w/ familiarity. I know this so I play to my strengths.

    Anyway, maybe you have a similar problem so should try to meet people other ways. Or maybe there is something else, like your profile or possibly come across as really wanting an LTR off the bat. I dunno. Food for thought.

    #1095309 Reply

    Agree that if you’re feeling down on the process, take a break. I took plenty while I did the online thing.

    “I quite often wait for the man to message, I suppose due to lack of confidence”

    Also, I will say, especially in situations when you are letting your date pay, you really should be reaching out after a date to say you had a nice time/hope to go out again if that’s indeed what you want.

    #1095312 Reply

    I don’t see a problem with no 2nd date after a 1st date that you weren’t happy with. I mean, everyone likes to feel desired, but if it wasn’t working for you anyway, why prolong it.

    The disconnect I see is that you’re getting first dates. That means either:
    1) your profile isn’t accurately representing you. So, the “real you” isn’t what the other person was expecting.
    2) you’re doing something offputting during the date that’s causing an otherwise “matching” person to not want to continue.

    Since you felt “meh” about a number of the dates, why is that? What did they do that made you uninterested? It may shed some light into where the process is breaking down. Are you just matching too many people? Maybe you need to be more selective in the match process. It’s really hard to tell without being there, so it’s up to you to try to read the situation ass best you can.

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