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Dear Wendy

First dates fail – advice needed

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Viewing 12 posts - 25 through 36 (of 50 total)
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  • #1095265 Reply
    Fyodor
    Guest

    It may be worth focusing on building your social network and/or doing classes, events, activities, etc where you can meet people in a more organic setting.

    #1095276 Reply
    Robert123
    Participant

    Sandra, your thread struck some chords with me, as I am experiencing the identical thing that you are, with the first dates and done.

    You did say that you hardly met men online in your previous city, and now you only use online. Online is the problem, not you. I am a little older than you, so have been doing the online thing for more years, and even online has changed, and not for the better. It’s the same with me with women, if there’s no instant spark then that’s it. It never used to be this way.

    The only thing I can see is your noticing that 30 is coming, and your feeling a little left out with your friends getting engaged. You don’t seem to be dwelling on it, but have simply noticed it, as I understand what you have said. Maybe that’s getting picked up on, and the guys are just making assumptions that you are in a hurry.

    There’s nothing wrong with taking a break, especially during the pandemic. A lot of quality people, both men and women, are waiting for coronavirus to get under control before coming back. I went invisible in June, 2020, and will stay there for the foreseeable future.

    I kept my profile up at the very start of the pandemic, thinking I’d get to have an extended communication with matches, then maybe date in the summer. Between March and June, 2020, when I went invisible, I did find that the women I communicated with were a little more needy, and that combined with the start of the second wave got me to hid my profile. I say this, to say that the same might be true of the guys. You may be doing everything right, but it could be that the best quality guys have not yet come back.

    Bottom line, don’t assume that you are doing something wrong when you likely do not have the best pool available to you.

    Question: Did you do much online dating prior to March, 2020?

    #1095287 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    Robert and Sandra both – It’s fine and good to take a break from dating and work on yourself. But if you’re actively dating and there’s a stage you’re consistently never getting past, whether that’s getting replies to your messages, getting to a first date, or getting a second date, that’s where the problem is and there’s something there to fix. If no one is replying, or no one is interested in a second date, it’s you, not them. Once you come back from your break, if you didn’t do the work to fix it, you’ll have the same issues. Robert, previously for you it was your profile. Wendy helped you fix it and now you’re past that hurdle. You’re getting responses, but you’re getting stuck at getting to the first date most of the time, and past the first date all the time. So now we know the problem is in how you communicate. You sort of listen, but don’t really, to our attempts to point out where your communication is off. But it is. I’m not trying to be an asshole, but it would be the wrong conclusion to decide, oh, it’s not me, it’s them.

    #1095288 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    Also, Sandra, this:

    “In the last city I lived, I nearly always got asked on second dates, however I usually met them through mutual friends or in bars.. rarely online.”

    Those guys who you were meeting in bars or wherever, they knew how you come across in person before asking you out. It makes me think even more that your profile doesn’t match up with how you look or how you present yourself.

    Maybe you would have better luck meeting guys irl, or maybe you need to tweak your profile & pics.

    #1095296 Reply
    ktfran
    Participant

    @Sandra, ,to @Kate’s point… I never did well in on-line dating (I did so briefly years ago) or on first dates where a friend set me up. I don’t know why I didn’t make a good first impression. I was kind of shy and awkward, especially if it was a date. I was never the life of the party. I’m not the person people gravitate towards. However, I’ve had a lot of relationships lasting anywhere from six months to several years and now am married. Each person I dated, I met through work or mutual friends or activities and it was because they got to know me a little first. I do much better w/ familiarity. I know this so I play to my strengths.

    Anyway, maybe you have a similar problem so should try to meet people other ways. Or maybe there is something else, like your profile or possibly come across as really wanting an LTR off the bat. I dunno. Food for thought.

    #1095309 Reply
    Copa
    Participant

    Agree that if you’re feeling down on the process, take a break. I took plenty while I did the online thing.

    “I quite often wait for the man to message, I suppose due to lack of confidence”

    Also, I will say, especially in situations when you are letting your date pay, you really should be reaching out after a date to say you had a nice time/hope to go out again if that’s indeed what you want.

    #1095312 Reply
    Prognosti-gator
    Participant

    I don’t see a problem with no 2nd date after a 1st date that you weren’t happy with. I mean, everyone likes to feel desired, but if it wasn’t working for you anyway, why prolong it.

    The disconnect I see is that you’re getting first dates. That means either:
    1) your profile isn’t accurately representing you. So, the “real you” isn’t what the other person was expecting.
    2) you’re doing something offputting during the date that’s causing an otherwise “matching” person to not want to continue.

    Since you felt “meh” about a number of the dates, why is that? What did they do that made you uninterested? It may shed some light into where the process is breaking down. Are you just matching too many people? Maybe you need to be more selective in the match process. It’s really hard to tell without being there, so it’s up to you to try to read the situation ass best you can.

    #1096022 Reply
    Nella
    Guest

    Ten first dates in six months is not enough data to even say there’s a pattern. When I last online dated (2013 at age 43), I would say that’s pretty normal. I would suggest lining up more first dates in quick succession in order to have the odds in your favor that some will turn into second dates soon. Also, remember that it’s also about what YOU want, not just about working hard to get a guy to want to invite you out again. If you weren’t very interested at the end of date number one, then it’s a success, not a failure, when that doesn’t turn into date number two.

    #1096274 Reply
    Cleopatra_30
    Participant

    I would also consider how you filter these men out on the apps. I do my best to try and find some common ground with them, enough to feel confident that when I meet in person I have some good topics and ideas to chat about. I have found that some guys hate chatting online and just want to meet right away, and for me that doesn’t work. I want to know going in there is some good baseline rather than doing a literal blind date. The apps are a way for me to selectively choose a potential date without wasting as much time in person.

    As someone who turned 30 this year, and has been online dating for almost a decade (wowza!) I do get frustrated by online dating, but my social circles haven’t produced much in the way of men I am interested in dating, so going outside that is my way to expand my opportunities (I am also pursuing a childfree lifestyle so that adds another layer of complexity and limited options). I have been casually looking since things have improved here in Canada, and I found men in my city to be very flaky and was ghosted a few times before a date even happened (with plans to meet mind you). So things right now I think are just different due to people re opening their social circles, gaining a sense of freedom and not worrying as much about dating as before.

    #1096308 Reply
    Adelaide
    Guest

    Stop dating. Stop worrying about who likes you or doesn’t like you and why. Do what you like. Spend your time trying out new interests. You’re better off finding someone you connect with that way than finding someone who’s just looking for a date.

    #1097094 Reply
    TigerPaw357
    Participant

    I never understood why people think dating is a commitment. How can you learn a person on a first date, when I think dating not mating is a major factor in failed marriages.

    Speaking for myself, I like phone chats in getting to learn about a potential date. First, since you have nothing to lose, you can ask whatever questions you need. After about 4-6 chats (1-2 also); you can determine if you really need to pursue a first date.

    People usually reveal themselves in conversation, if s[he] hates his wife, mother, sister etc., it could give you insight. Men/women who discuss their sexual conquests are not looking for a date; scary chats about being married too soon have agendas. I have chatted with men who had no jobs, no housing or no future – and was lucky I found out before that first date.

    If a person leaves before the date is over, they are doing you a huge favor – they want something and you don’t got it, has nothing to do with how you look.

    The most you could lose is a bad experience, and the best you could win is someone who just becomes a friend.

    #1097096 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    If you need 4-6 phone conversations to decide whether to meet someone out in public for an hour’s conversation and a drink, then your radar is broken. Not to mention, something is really off with them if they’re willing to schedule 6 phone calls with a prospective first date.

    You can tell whether or not you want to meet someone with some pretty minimal messaging back and forth. At that point you either get a red flag from them or you need to meet in person to find out if there’s physical chemistry. I could maybe see one phone call, for more old-school people, but I think even that is an unnecessary hoop to jump through. Not everyone is good on the phone, and you can’t gauge attraction. It’s also not going to do anything to keep you safe, if that’s your reasoning.

    I guess in pandemic times, people might do a video call before meeting, because there’s more risk to meeting in person. But more than one convo shouldn’t be necessary.

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