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Dear Wendy

First time match conversation

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  • #1031772 Reply
    avatarkh
    Participant

    Dear all, I’d appreciate some sharing and advice here to try to understand what these guys are thinking and whether I should have responded differently.

    I’ll be matching with guys in their 30s in dating apps and right away, one of the first questions they asked would be about sex (do i like hugs and kisses, when’s my last bf, the last time i had sex, etc).

    They will be saying that they are open minded, open to talk about many things, and some kept saying they are not looking for hook up, some said that they are looking for friendship first.

    I responded by saying these are personal questions that, if we meet offline, we wouldnt be talking about these right away.
    Despite them agreeing, these questions would be popping up again.
    (All of these within an hour of when we first start talking).

    Am I being not open minded/too conservative here? Thank you.

    #1031774 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    “right away, one of the first questions they asked would be about sex (do i like hugs and kisses, when’s my last bf, the last time i had sex, etc).”

    That’s absolutely unacceptable and you should immediately stop responding to such guys and block them. Do not waste a second of your time on that, seriously. It’s pointless to try to reprimand them, they’ve already shown you they’re a gross idiot. What kind of moron asks if you “like hugs and kisses?” That’s some bottom-of-the-barrel shit right there.

    I met my husband on Match, granted it was 9 years ago, but not all guys act like that on there. As soon as anyone said something not respectful, I blocked them. Literally no one should be talking about sex before you’ve even met. Only talk to the guys who have a normal conversation with you like hey what’s going on, what have you been up to, what do you do for fun, *normal getting to know you type questions* leading quickly to meeting up or a video date or whatever you do in a pandemic. Also don’t bother with guys much younger than you, they will just want to hook up.

    #1031775 Reply
    avatarbloodymediocrity
    Participant

    Ah…the hellscape of online dating for women.

    You’re fine. You’re not being too rude. If this isn’t what you’re looking for, you’re under no obligation to be nice. It sounds like you are being perfectly polite.

    My wife was given really good advice for online dating (we met online). She was having the same issues you were at first. But then her friend told her that her goal with her profile shouldn’t be to attract as many potential partners as possible, but rather reduce the number of potential matches. She made her profile overtly feminist, listed vast amounts of “do not message me if…”, and made it clear the things she was not interested in. The numbers of duds dropped (though lets be clear, NOT eliminated) and she was able to focus in on the people she did like (like me).

    #1031776 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    And yeah, there is probably something off about your profile. Everyone gets “hey beautiful” kind of nonsense, but the kind of comments you’re getting are really poor.

    #1031777 Reply
    avatarbloodymediocrity
    Participant

    I think the particular dating site you are using makes a difference as well. I’ve heard from women that these types of messages are more common on PoF, uncommon on OkCupid, and rare on Match.com.

    #1031778 Reply
    avatarkh
    Participant

    Thanks! Hehehe, my profile is one full body picture, with flowy dress covering my knees and an outer wear. No cleavage.
    And I wrote “intelligence is sexy”.

    Additional note. I live in Asia and typically will get these kind of responses from guys who have been living overseas.
    Thus, I wonder, ” Living overseas=open minded=talk sex right off the bat?? “

    #1031779 Reply
    avatarPeggy
    Guest

    Agree with the others.. Just judge those messages like you would if someone asked/said that at a meet-up coffee. It is a turn off…so just stop responding to guys like that.
    When I was dating on-line I said that I ” do not do casual in any area of my life”. That seemed to convey the message I wanted, but I still got those gross guys like you mentioned-I just stopped messaging with them. Be patient too, it took nearly 3 years and about 40 meet-ups but I met someone.
    Covid makes it tougher, but try to meet someone fairly soon-a lot of time can be wasted otherwise, with someone who is not serious about dating or you have no chemistry when you finally meet.

    #1031810 Reply
    avatarBittergaymark
    Guest

    Okay — I am of two minds about this.

    The first few questions: do you enjoy kissing? do you enjoy having sex? If asked in a blunt non sexual way seem to me to be a good clearing of the air in this day when asexuality seems to be becoming much more of a thing…

    BUT the OTHER questions about your last boyfriend when you last had sex, etc… Yeah… all of those are simply downright intrusive and NOT cool for the very early stages of any relationship — on or offline.

    #1031811 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    I don’t know about overseas per se, but that’s definitely not ok in the US, you’d sound like a loser messaging a woman in that manner here. Not sure if maybe your country is pretty religious/conservative and once they get out of there and live in more liberal countries they think they can say this stupid shit? Regardless, you need to ignore it and not respond.

    I also would recommend more than one picture. 3 is really the minimum, including a good headshot. And don’t even use the word “sexy” in your profile, dumb guys see it and it just encourages them. Case in point, your statement about intelligence isn’t attracting smart guys. Dumb guys are just reacting to the word “sexy.”

    #1031813 Reply
    avatarBittergaymark
    Guest

    Yeah, unless it is a quick question —in the middle of a sea of other getting to know you questions it’s all very off.

    #1031814 Reply
    avatarBittergaymark
    Guest

    PS — Intelligence is a sexy is a silly thing to put on your profile as fucking everybody THINKS they are intelligent. Exhibit A: Donald Trump.

    #1031821 Reply
    avatarCopa
    Participant

    Thus, I wonder, ” Living overseas=open minded=talk sex right off the bat?? “

    No, I don’t think this is accurate. I don’t think there’s any relationship between having an open mind and sending gross messages online.

    I don’t think you need to worry about being too conservation/not open minded enough. Just be yourself on dating sites. If these or any other line of conversation makes you feel uncomfortable, shut down the conversation and move onto the next match.

    I also wonder if something is off with your profile. I did the online dating thing a couple times, met two long-term boyfriends that way including my current one, and met a lot of other nice/good guys. I didn’t get a lot of messages like these at all and if that’s the bulk of what you’re getting, I’d say something is off. When it did happen, I’d unmatch the guy. I didn’t bother with polite responses or trying to steer the conversation back to get-to-know-you talk because by that point, any interest I had was gone. I got a lot of matches, I didn’t need to suffer fools like that.

    Are the apps you’re on considered hookup apps? Like here in the U.S., I noticed it varied a bit regionally, but I had some friends refusing to use apps like Tinder because in their areas it for hookups only, while friends in other regions went on actual dates with Tinder matches. It may be worth your while to try out new platforms.

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