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Dear Wendy

Flirting with my friends boyfriend?

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  • #1099911 Reply

    Hi there,
    Looking for peoples opinions and advice. I had a party the other night and we were all quite drunk but nothing outrageous. I vaguely remember chatting with my friend and boyfriend but can’t remember the specifics. The next day I messaged that friend… no response. Rang her the next day… no response. It seems she was ignoring me but no idea why. I asked my other friend was she annoyed about something but they didn’t seem to know. I was told she was fighting with her bf out the front when they left but no one knew why. 1 week later she send me a text saying she left the party upset because I said an inappropriate/flirty comment to her bf and she was standing right there. I was shocked… I couldn’t recall the specifics but I’m not a flirty person at all and I see her boyfriend as a friend and that is it. I said to to one of my other friends.. and she was also shocked…saying that it Would be out of character of me and I didn’t even seem too drunk. I replied to her apologising for making her upset and I didn’t intend to be flirty and asked to her meet to chat… however that was a week ago and she just won’t acknowledge me. The problem is I don’t know what I said. I really can’t imagine it would have been anything too bad but The radio silence is killing me. I haven’t spoken to any of our other friends in the group about It because I’m trying to deal with it In the most mature way and not get people involved. I feel bad for upsetting but am also confused and feel whatever I said must have been a joke.

    #1099912 Reply

    I have been in a similar situation… Many years ago at a party I apparently said something about someone. I revealed something private that I only knew because I had been with my boyfriend when someone called and told him this information. I could NOT believe I said this out loud at a party, didn’t think I was that drunk, yada yada, but I totally did. There’s no other explanation. You need to be prepared to learn that, yes indeed, you can say and do fucked up things that you don’t believe yourself capable of when drinking. Get familiar with the level of drinking that’s been happening when you do these things, and just… drink less than that.

    As for this immediate situation, I would drop the stance of, “I didn’t do or say anything like that,” because you probably did. I would send her another message asking if she would please be willing to meet with you to talk, because you never meant to hurt her and want to understand her point of view. You need to be prepared to accept whatever she says and apologize and promise to regulate your drinking.

    In my case I groveled enough that my boyfriend forgave me, but we should have just broken up then. It is possible here that your friendship has reached its expiration date.

    #1099913 Reply

    Yeah, unless your friend has a pattern of flipping out over absolutely nothing… the much more likely truth is you sad something wildy inappropriate.

    Apologize. You can admit you don’t remember saying anything. But don’t deny saying anything. That will get you nowhere.

    #1099914 Reply

    Make it 100% about YOU want to hear from HER what happened and how she’s feeling. She needs to know you’re not going to try to tell her what happened, but that your intention is to listen to her.

    #1099917 Reply

    Two things:

    1. Alcohol is known as the social lubricant for a reason. Your inhibitions are lowered so you may behave more flirtatiously, exhibit poor judgement (aka “Hold my beer and watch this”) and in my case, feel more comfortable speaking French.

    2. If you truly can’t remember what you said or what you did when you were drunk, then you’re drinking too much and you need to be more mindful. If you can recall what you said and you’re not convinced that it was flirtatious – well then perhaps your perception and your friends perceptions are misaligned.

    In that case, all you can do is apologize and say that you if you said something that she felt crossed a line, then you need to better understand where the line is so that you never ever repeat it. Since you’re not a mind reader, she needs to help you because what someone perceives as being more talkative, someone else perceives as being flirty. And it wouldn’t hurt to note that you have no interest in her boyfriend.

    #1099920 Reply

    I agree with the above. Apologize and maybe consider drinking less.

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