- This topic has 127 replies, 15 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 3 months ago by ele4phant.
Oh, don’t get me wrong, I’m someone who would also want to know information about my partner that would affect my choice to be (or not be) with them, and don’t think you guys did anything highly unusual. I was unsure how in-depth the search got because you mentioned he’s a good sleuth — didn’t know if maybe that meant he had access to some of those “pay a fee to get ALL the details on this person” sites that I’ve seen. Anyway, I understand where you’re coming from and why you’d want to do this anonymously, but the idea of what it must feel like to receive anonymous correspondence where the sender clearly knows you makes me squirmy.
I’ve never searched county records. The only people I spend any amount of time Googling are my dates, and it’s a cursory Google or social media search to make sure they are (generally speaking) who they say they are. I’ve never thought to go looking for court records. If I had kids, yeah, I’d want to know about anyone who is looking after them.
Yeah, I was already on the side of “don’t do anything,” but now that I really think about what it would be like to receive that anonymous info, and not know who it’s from or why or who knows what about my private life… just no. It’s realky not okay. And revealing who you are and why you’re sending it isn’t ok for you either. Again, she could find out about felonies if she wanted to do a search, and it’s pretty likely she already knows.
Yeah, years ago, an old coworker received a note (I believe hand-delivered to her place? Honestly, can’t remember, the details are fuzzy, it’s been awhile) saying her boyfriend was cheating. And listed out some days/times he allegedly was with another woman. I mostly remember how weirded out she was by the anonymity of it all. Was it from a well-intentioned friend who didn’t know how to handle what she knew? The other woman hoping to break them up? A spiteful ex or jealous acquaintance trying to break them up? (She looked at her calendar and the dates she could remember were all accurately ones they were not together.) I know the situations are different, but I imagine if you’re receiving an anonymous note, the feelings are the same. Like, who is this from, how/why do they know so much about me?
I think you *could* reveal who you are and why without sounding like a total lunatic (I personally don’t think there was anything super weird about the thought process you described here), but then you’re just a busy-body butting in to someone else’s relationship. So I personally wouldn’t do that route, either.
I kind of don’t understand why sleuthing her boyfriend’s name was part of vetting her as a babysitter. That seems a little weird to me.
Regardless, are you absolutely sure it’s him? He doesn’t happen to have a fairly common name like John Smith or something?
I agree it’s not appropriate to make sure she knows about it.
I definitely hadn’t thought about the skeeviness factor of feeling like someone was watching you, so thank you everyone for that feedback!
And thank you @Copa for not thinking we’re total creeps… we always look up the driving records of anyone who is transporting our kids, especially if they’re younger, and I’d never really thought it was weird.
Okay, but this was weird because you didn’t ask her about babysitting, and you were sleuthing on her partner, not just her.
I understand the why- but I feel like this was a little too much when you hadn’t even lined her up as a sitter. Now you know this unfortunate, private information about her and her relationship. It’s a little over the line, I think.
If you had asked if she’d be willing pending a quick search on the county website, and she had agreed, THEN you could’ve come back to her with the information. But because you decided to look up information about her (and her partner!) without their knowledge you can’t really give this information to her without coming across negatively.
I guess best case would be, “Hey MB we were thinking of asking you to watch our children, but before we offered we did a quick county search to see driving records *Hahaha we’re weird* and came across some information re your boyfriend. Just an fyi that it worried us and wanted to make sure you had the information too.”
But even with the above, you’ll have to tell her you’re NOT offering her to watch your children because of the above situation and now she’ll feel some sort of judgment towards her relationship and what she’ll do with that information or if she’ll need to explain that she’s staying with him ’cause x, y and z which isn’t your business.JDAugust 24, 2018 at 1:30 pm #788983
I agree I’d be so weirded out and feel stalked. I just don’t see any good coming of this.
In the future, don’t do a check up w/out somebody’s know how.
That way you can divulge any information you find as it’ll be expected. It also would’ve given her the opportunity to say you’ll find some weird stuff under the bf, but that’s someone with a same name…or you’ll find some weird stuff under the bf but that’s when he was an addict and has been clean the last 4 years…blah blah.
Point being it would’ve been an easier conversation to have if you’d been upfront with her to begin with. Besides maybe she’s not free those days anyways and you just wasted your time researching her and her bf.
Becboo84, I definitely don’t think you are a creep from your other comments. I just wanted to provide honest feedback about how uncomfortable others may find online sleuthing.
I know I post things privately online (such as this website) that I would not choose to post publicly and I’d feel embarrassed if I knew a real time acquaintance was judging me as a result. I’d be worried about gossip and misconceptions because I’ve shared some pretty sensitive things.
If your husband is a police officer or a detective and is very skilled at finding things on people, many people would already feel a bit intimidated and sensitive about him using discretion when discussing private matters. I’ll bet if the coach is familiar with her boyfriend’s background, then they are already sensitive about gossip and judgement from acquaintances. Domestic abuse is not an easy thing to come back from without significant damage to ones reputation. That’s part of the reason some people are reluctant to report it to begin with.
What you found was in the public domain and I don’t think you did anything wrong. Because you are debating telling this person what you discovered anonymously, it’s worth considering how she might feel about what she considers to be a personal and private matter. Nobody here knows she would be uncomfortable with your disclosure, but the strong possibility exists.JDAugust 24, 2018 at 1:43 pm #788986
Good point. There is some very odd information with my email and name (spelled wrong) on some out of country sex website. I only found it when I started receiving emails offering some “fun times”. If someone searched my email they would find this and it doesn’t look good. In fairness if I posted it I probably would have spelled my own name correctly. I have tried to contact the website to get it taken down numerous times but they just won’t and I have little recourse due to being in another country. All of this and I am basically the ONLY person I have ever found with my first and last name, ever!