- This topic has 127 replies, 15 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 3 months ago by ele4phant.
I think if you feel strongly about warning her, you *could* still ask her if she’d be willing to watch your kid, do the background check (assuming she says yes, she is available and willing), and then let her know what you’ve uncovered. It’s a bit shady, but if you really feel strongly about saying something, I think this is the route that will come off the least sketchy to her. I don’t know how strongly I’d feel in your situation. I’d want someone I know and like to be safe and like I said, I’m someone who would want to know something like this about an SO if I didn’t already — but I’d also have to weigh that against knowing I’m sticking my nose in someone else’s business.
I sometimes leave bagged dog poop by my main entrance overnight and take it out to the trash in the morning. (Not my best habit, I know, but I always walk it to the trash the next day!) Twice, I’ve received anonymous notes about it. It was a condescending but no-big-deal dog poop note and I STILL wonder who it was from! I truly cannot imagine a note about something personal and serious.
I am (unfortunately) nearly 100% positive that it is the boyfriend. He has an unusual last name, and an unusual spelling of his first name.
The boyfriend is not a regular trainer at the facility my daughter goes to, but he has co-led some agility classes there with MB that my daughter has taken, which she has enjoyed, and both of them have always been very kind to her and gone out of their way to chat her up if we see them outside of the training facility. So basically, while I was planning on asking MB to watch her, I would have certainly not had a problem with the boyfriend watching them or giving them rides at times she was not available, or staying the night. I feel as though that’s pretty standard when you’re dealing with an adult “babysitter” as opposed to a teenager, or at least it was standard when I was in my early 20s and used to babysit before I had my own kids.
And, I personally really don’t think it’s weird to look up the driving records of individuals we were considering asking to watch our kiddos for a few days before asking them. Given that it’s fairly easy to access, I don’t feel that it’s an invasion of privacy, but I do recognize that I may need to rethink this one since I’m definitely in the minority.
@Keyblade: my husband is definitely not an intimidating guy! He works for a nonprofit, volunteers for some local campaigns and is a youth sports coach. Previously, he just happened to work for a company that did background checks and learned a few sleuthing tips 🙂JDAugust 24, 2018 at 2:27 pm #788996
May I ask, does she normally do this kind of babysitting? I just am still baffled why you even would ask her. No not wrong to look up someone’s driving record but super odd to do background checks on someone who has no intention thus far of watching you kids.
So your check up was it a google search, social media, and checking the local government jail and public records or was it using former investigative services logins to get this information? In your original post you alluded that your husband used his background check abilities which would push towards using systems that the average person does not have access to or would have to pay per use. The first would be fine to check on anyone involved with your children I do that with any adult my child spends time with.
I truly don’t mean to sound judgemental. I get that this was just a search, and whoops, you found something pretty alarming. I haven’t been in your shoes, but I can imagine being in them.
I just think it’s weird to have done that before asking her if she’d even be interested in watching your kids. Like she didn’t put herself out there for that kind of thing. She wasn’t looking for someone to do a background check on her or her bf.
It seems a little invasive to me. Sure, your husband found this information easily, but you also mentioned he’s a sleuth and knows extra ways to find records…so that sounds like it was more than a cursory google search. It’s a power you have over others in a way. And now you have potentially damaging information about this couple, or this man. You could take it to the gym, he could lose his job and she probably could too.
His record and past ARE alarming. But it seems like he’s on a better path now?
I would probably not perform this background check on anyone unless you have them watching your children. Even if it’s on the web, I believe people deserve a modicum of privacy.
Becboo84, i think that’s the main takeaway. Don’t run a search in the future unless you’ve already talked to the person about possibly watching your children.
No one’s saying doing a low level search is bad, just doing it without the person even saying they WOULD watch your children is a step too early and too far.
For this current situation, you could do as Copa suggested – pretending to ask and then tell her the information you “just” found. It’s shady but you don’t come across as oober intrusive that way. But, what if she says no? Then you’re stuck in your current situation that you have information and no way of telling her you have it w/out coming across negatively.
I think everyone referring to it as a background check is being a little dramatic/harsh. A background check is what I had to do when I paid money to be fingerprinted for a thorough/legitimate history check in anticipation of taking the bar exam. This is readily accessible public information — @becboo84’s husband just happens to know that he can easily find it. Maybe it was jumping the gun to check up on them before even asking if they’re interested and available, but I can see why it’d make sense to do. Like if you find a history of poor driving, then you know to not even bother asking that person. Too early? Yes. Taking it “too far”? Eh, probably not. It just happens that this time, someone found something they wish they hadn’t.
As to being “baffled” why they’d ask this specific person, I mean, (and I’m sorry to those of you who hate when people compare dogs to children) I have plenty of friends who don’t regularly dog sit but whom I might ask to watch my pup while I go on vacation because I have a sense for whether not they’d be up for it. Is it *really* such a stretch to think that someone who knows her kids and regularly coaches one, presumably has a good relationship with the kids and parents alike, and likes kids in generally might be up for babysitting?JDAugust 24, 2018 at 3:36 pm #789021
I’m baffled because she mentions them not being super close knowing and not any reason why she’d chose her. Like if she had offered the services before. That is why I asked LW that very question. Maybe she offered before. I don’t know. I wouldn’t think to ask a coach just because they gave my kid a ride once.
Yes, I think it is a little strange to ask your child’s coach to watch your kids for a few days.
She is paid to coach, to be nice to and enjoy the kids, and the parents. That’s literally how she builds her business. If they were friends, or she knew she sometimes watches children, or watches her nieces or something, my opinion would be different. She isn’t asking for side gigs as a sitter. *(edited to add: I’m assuming.)
Dog sitting and caring for kids are totally not even in the same realm of ballgames. It’s just not even comparable.JDAugust 24, 2018 at 3:37 pm #789024
Imagine the coach posting here “oh dear i coach these kids and truly enjoy all my parents but these ones asked me to watch their kids, for days and I feel obligated but it feels like overstepping, what do I do?” Hence me wondering. But if my words didn’t get torn apart here it wouldn’t be a day of the week.
I personally would not get involved. The right thing to do would have been to ask her if she was interested and available (though I think it’s best to approach someone who has advertised their services or otherwise volunteered, so as not to put them on the spot), and then tell her that you always do background checks on babysitters and apparently their partners. If you don’t feel comfortable saying that to someone, then they aren’t the right person to ask. Doing background checks on people without their permission, especially if you plan to use the information you get or confront them with it, is not a good idea. It might have even been more understandable if she had at least expressed interest in babysitting first.
The other thing I’d say is that it’s good to have a couple of babysitters that you can call so that if one is busy, you have other options.
ETA: I feel like I have to clarify that I used “background check” because it’s easier to type than “records that are public and everyone can see them.” Also, I don’t really see where anyone said she was “off her rocker.” I thought it was pretty common to comment on things that the LWs don’t necessarily explicitly ask.