JayDecember 4, 2022 at 3:52 pm #1117039
I (19F) am feeling conflicted, I don’t know if I have a right to be angry. Me and my friend Sally (19F) have been friends since we were kids and are very close. I’m a very shy and insecure person, I never like to dress up, don’t go out much, and suffer from severe anxiety and depression. I’ve always been this way and she knows I don’t like pictures or videos taken of me unless I actively get in a picture myself. Aside from that I don’t like being on camera at all.
Yesterday we got invited to a small party at an airbnb by another friend Jessica, and while I was trying to pace myself I ended up getting really drunk off 3 shots because I’m on antidepressants. I don’t drink a lot but when I do I try to take it slow but yesterday it hit me like a truck, and not going to lie I can be a mean/rude drunk. I remember mostly everything I did and remember realizing I was wayyy too drunk very early into the party, so I went into the room we were sleeping in to sleep it off. The rest of the night I stayed there and was crying pretty bad on and off, having mood swings. I knew this was happening so I just wanted to be alone to not embarrass myself. My friend kept going into the room to check on me and was taking care of me.
One of the times she went to the room it was dark and I was laying down closing my eyes, and I think she thought I was asleep and saw her flash pan over my body, later on I asked her why she was recording and she said she wasn’t and it was just her flash to look for something, i just left it at that even though I knew she probably did take vids but if she said she didn’t then I trusted her. Later on I told her to show me the vids and pics she took of me and she showed me the ones I knew of, however I saw two more rows of pics of the party she wasn’t showing me. I asked her to show me and she said those are hers and she didn’t want to show me. I respected that and let it be. In the morning, Jessica told me to apologize to someone there because he was trying to talk to me and I was being rude, telling him to stop and ignoring him and walking away, as well other people. I don’t remember that at all, and it pissed me off because I always tell my friend if I’m doing something bad while drunk to tell me so I stop or at least tell me when I sober up so I remember. This is my biggest thing I always tell people to be honest with me and what I do, but with my friend it seems like she never wants to tell me or acts like I was doing good. I got angry and told her didn’t I tell you to tell me why is Jessica telling me and not you. She seemed awkward and said she didn’t remember which I know is a lie.
After Jessica took us home, I went to my other friends (Amy) house and was talking with her about what happened. I mentioned that I thought Sally was recording me and how she denied it, and she said that she probably was because during a party at Sally’s house months ago, I got super drunk and was passed out in Sally’s room. I took off my clothes and was laying on the floor because I had thrown up and got puke on me. I was in there because I didn’t want anyone to see me like that, I just wanted privacy. Turns out she had went into the room and was recording me in my underwear passed out and laughing. In the video I realized she was recording and got mad and slammed the door in her face. I don’t remember this and when Amy told me I was livid. That same night I had asked Sally if anyone was recording because I remember her and her friends laughing and their flashes were on. She said she didn’t know and said she didn’t record, she lied to me and I believed her. After knowing this I feel like she betrayed my trust. I know it is my choice to drink and not anyone’s responsibility. But all I have ever asked is to be honest with me and tell me what I do and how I act, so at least I know. All I’ve asked is to be honest if I was recorded and to show me any vids or pics. She lied to me about both and I don’t think I can trust her anymore.
One time at her house I fainted for no reason, I just randomly passed out. I woke up to her trying to wake me up and she said I was out for a few minutes. Now I’m wondering if she recorded me while passed out and I don’t even know. I’m wondering now if I’ve done anything super bad while drunk and I have no idea. I’m honestly very angry and hurt and want to bring it up to Amy but knowing her she won’t take it seriously, she’ll take it as me being annoying or dramatic and will lie about it. I’m tempted to just end the friendship and block her on everything but I don’t trust myself and think I might be overreacting. I know for sure that at least I’m not going out with her anywhere anymore. She’s lost my trust at this point. I’ve only asked for 2 very simple things and she can’t even respect that.
She has gotten so drunk before that she does very self destructive things, like hooking up with her abusive ex after me and Amy defended her against him at that same party, leaving us waiting for her, knowing we wanted to leave because Amy felt very sick. She gets drunk and texts her exs she swears she will never talk to anymore. I’m always honest with her, so why can’t she do the same for me. Honestly, I think I’ve always felt some resentment towards her, she used to be very mean to me when we were kids, she would put me down and treat me like shit. She was like that with almost everyone. Now she’s still mean as hell but the only difference is she’s fake about it and does it behind peoples back. After learning about everything, what makes me think she doesn’t use me as a joke when I’m not around. If she talks shit about all her other friends what makes me think I’m any different. I think I might have held on to the friendship for so long because I might have a crush on her, or because I’m insecure and lonely and have always thought of her as my best friend despite everything.
I’m so over it but I’m scared if I bring it up and make her mad she’ll embarrass me by posting those vids of me or making me seem bad to our mutual acquaintances, like she has with others. I hate that I’m so insecure, I shouldn’t care what people think. I never trust my own feelings and think im overreacting. I would like some different perspectives on the situation. Maybe someone can talk some sense into me, I want to handle the situation in a mature way but don’t know how to go about it. Sorry this was so long and I appreciate anyone who took the time to read or comment.KateDecember 4, 2022 at 6:50 pm #1117040
So, you are behaving really really badly, and you’re burdening other people with your behavior. You go to other people’s houses and behave terribly. Then you disappear and they have to keep checking on you. Then you have the nerve to demand they tell you honestly everything you did? Grow up.
Taking videos of someone passed out isn’t cool at all, but Sally may be really fed up with your bullshit at this point, and/OR you know what, maybe she was never really your friend and you know it.
Stop drinking so much and putting your trust in fake people. I know I sound harsh, and I didn’t regulate well at your age either, but I also was not as problematic as it sounds like you consistently are, and I didn’t make my behavior everyone else’s problem. If you’re an asshole when you drink and need to go monopolize someone’s bedroom where you may or may not have a medical emergency, look at your life choices. It is possible you know to have 2-3 beers or seltzers and call it a night. Especially given you’re on medication you’re playing a very dangerous game.JayDecember 4, 2022 at 8:58 pm #1117041
@Kate First of all, I didn’t even want to spend the night at that party. Jessica didn’t tell us she wasn’t taking us back home until the morning until we were at the party, so I had no choice but to spend the night and be a burden. The party was at an Airbnb not someone’s house. The room I was in was me and Sally’s designated room Jessica told us to sleep in. I disappeared to the room because even though I was drunk as hell, I still realized I was way too drunk and needed to sleep it off. I didn’t want to ruin anyone’s fun so I decided to get out of everyone’s hair. The most problematic thing I did when drunk is tell some guy to stop talking to me because I was too drunk, and apparently ignored some people. That’s literally all I did. I ask people to tell me what I did so I can apologize if I did something bad or was rude. I get mad when Sally doesn’t tell me what I did because if I did do something wrong and no one tells me how am I supposed to apologize. It’s worse to just ignore it.
And just because Sally might be over my bullshit, that gives her the right to disrespect my boundaries and film me while unconscious so she can show her friends and make fun of me later? How I mentioned in my post, that time she hooked up with her ex while blackout drunk at a party, our friend Amy had taken Molly for the first time and was very drunk, throwing up, was freezing to the touch and it was warm outside, she was clearly very sick. Amy and I kept blowing up her phone because she separated from us knowing it was 4am and we wanted to leave. She kept saying she was coming back and to wait for her so we could leave. I end up going into a room and there she was with her ex, after making us wait for an hour and a half. She saw how Amy was and wasted our time to hook up with her abusive ex that was yanking and grabbing at her, the same one we defended her from in front of the whole party and made us look stupid for. I think I know which kind of drunk I’d rather be.
But you’re right, I need to stop drinking and take accountability for my actions. I was being an asshole and that’s no one’s fault but my own. I’ve made the decision to stop drinking while on meds, especially around other people. I’m tired of questioning the things I did and hoping someone tells me what I did. I’d rather be in control of myself and have fun instead of feeling shitty. I’ve also decided to distance myself from Sally. I know I was being a dick but the fact she disrespected my boundaries goes to show she’s not a true friend. Thank you for your honesty, I appreciate it.
This sounded familiar when I got to the part about your friend hooking up with an abusive ex at a party. I don’t have it in me to read that wall of text from the other thread again, but it was obvious to me in your last post that you don’t like your friend, which you denied. I told you to distance yourself, which you have not done, and I tried to gently call out your nasty behavior.
I don’t think it’s okay for your friend to take videos of you when you’re drunk, but I do remember that kind of stuff happening in college. You are not wrong to be angry about that behavior.
However, as with your last post, your own described behavior is what I find more egregious. And yet again, you don’t even seem to realize how you are the problem (or at a bare minimum, contributing to it). I liked to drink and party at 19, too, and I was not always a great drunk, but I was not as bad as what you describe here. (I never took shots and thought, “I’m taking it slow tonight!” I took shots to get drunk faster.). And I’m sure I wouldn’t have listened if someone had told me to rein it in, but I’m still going to tell you (as someone who wishes she had reconsidered her relationship with alcohol at a younger age) that I think you need to rein it in. The fact that you have some standing agreement with your friends that they need to always tell you how you behaved while you were drinking is a roundabout way of announcing that you black out regularly, know it is going to happen, and know you are going to do mean/annoying/regrettable things. That’s… not good. And it’s not someone else’s responsibility to make sure you know just how big of an ass you were when you were blacked out, it’s your responsibility to not take it to that level each and every time you drink.
So as I said in response to your last post, I think it sounds like it’s time to reconsider your friendship. Sally/Jenni is not a good friend to you. But you are also not a good friend to Sally/Jenni and by your own account, you are a chronically messy drunk who verbally assaults her when she is a messy drunk. (Like… can you see that hypocrisy?) You are a participant in these atrocious friend dynamics. You need to stop worrying about all the ways that she acts terribly and focus on yourself, your own behavior, the people you allow access to you.
Also, if you’re on antidepressants, that means you’re seeing a psychiatrist, right? Are you also talking to someone like a therapist in conjunction? If not, I think you need to be. For all your talk in your last post about how Sally/Jenni needs to talk to a professional, you really need to as well.JayDecember 5, 2022 at 12:39 am #1117045
@Copa everything you said is 100% correct. Your response made me realize it doesn’t matter who did what, we both know how we get when we drink and still decide to do it. I’ve realized that it is up to me to know my limit and take responsibility for myself. I shouldn’t rely on others to remind me of what I did when drunk when I can just avoid getting that drunk all together. I do remember your response and I think it is time to distance myself once and for all. I tend to cling to friendships even if they are toxic, I always think differences can be put aside but not when they become a recurring issue. I think I might have resentment towards Sally because if anything we are very similar. I’m projecting onto her and like you said, I am contributing to this toxic friendship and let her actions get to me. It sucks that it took so long for me to realize that just because I’ve known someone my whole life doesn’t mean I have to keep it that way forever. I regret not taking your advice in the first place, all of this could have been avoided. I am being hypocritical by chewing Sally out when I’m no better. I’ve decided to stop drinking, at least as much as I do. I’m not a nice drunk and ruin the fun for others which is not at all a nice feeling. I know I’ll wake up in the morning and regret everything.
I do see a therapist but I honestly don’t think she’s the right match for me. She seems to validate my behavior too much which is not what I need right now. I think it’s a good idea to find a new one as well. I probably have some other underlying issues I need to work on as well. I really appreciate you responding despite me not listening last time, your response helped me realize I’m not perfect and need to work on myself as a person before I worry about what others are doing. I have some growing up to do and I’m glad you could help me realize that.AnonymousseDecember 5, 2022 at 9:17 am #1117046
I have actually been the self destructive mess you sound like you are and it was the lowest point of my life. As Copa said, who in the world takes a series of shots at 19 on medication you should’nt drink on, to “take it slow?”
If you are anxious and have depression/anxiety, you should not be drinking AT ALL full stop. You can kill yourself very easily by drinking on those meds. You don’t pour depressants directly down your throat in mass quantities, underage (but that’s the least of the troubling choices) if your happy as a clam everything is going great in your life. Depressants depress you. They work against the medication you’re taking regardless.
I made those choices at your age, albeit not on meds, so I am not just an old lady full of shit on the web. I had a lot to work out back then, serious soul crushing stuff, and I can assure you, alcohol is just always going to make you feel worse.
What the hell are you doing with your life? You don’t like your friends, you’re getting so fucked you’ll end up getting your stomach pumped at an ER soon. Stop the self destruction, stop the drinking and why hang out with people you don’t trust or like? These are all things under your control. Easily changeable, except you feel beholden to this social circle.
You make your choices. You are given your circumstances, and you’ve gotta make the best you can with it. If your soul is aching and you want to get blackout every weekend, you need to get yourself some help, preferably from a counselor or therapist.
I say this with love and care, and concern for your life. None of this sounds good or like it will end well, right? Reread your post.
I don’t think anyone should be filming people like that at all, but with today’s prevalence of phones everywhere, you cannot fall back on anyone having courtesy, care, or concern for you when you are wasted, alone in a dark bedroom at a party. Don’t get so out of control. You can still have fun and not get wrecked. Don’t drink on those meds. Good luck, really.WhyDoWeExistDecember 5, 2022 at 9:24 am #1117047
There is a simple solution, don’t get black-out drunk in the first place. Then people won’t have to tell you what you did wrong, to begin with. It’s one thing to apologize, but if you apologize and then do exactly the same thing again then it isn’t exactly a genuine apology is it?
I was in the same place about a year ago and then I realized that I was the fucking problem and I stopped drinking completely. I don’t know if you are as bad as I was, but certainly cutting back on your intake is going to make your life better.
That said a lot of the behaviour you are describing on the part of your friends also seems toxic, I don’t particularly think anyone in this story comes off in a good light to be honest.LisforLeslieDecember 5, 2022 at 10:30 am #1117048
There’s an AA saying: if your drinking is causing problems, then you have a drinking problem.
One of the nice things about adulthood is that you are responsible for you. You are not responsible for other adults. Conversely, no one is responsible for you.
If you can’t avoid overdoing it – then you have to stop drinking.
Respectfully, are you being honest with your therapist? Because I find it hard to imagine any therapist — even a bad one! — hearing about their teenage client getting blackout drunk/having really bad nights on the regular and then validating the behavior. Finding a new one is probably a good idea, but I do hope you are being very honest in your sessions.
I disagree with everyone else saying that the changes you need to make are simple, though. I think the concepts are, but actually making big life changes like finding a supportive new group of friends and cutting out your vices will be easier said than done. I do think you can do it, though, if you are motivated to change.JayDecember 5, 2022 at 12:24 pm #1117050
@Copa I think I worded that wrong, my apologies. It’s not that she validates my behavior, she has warned me about the drinking when I told her about the Halloween party. I think I meant to say it feels like she’s just listening and there’s no improvement being made. She’s actually a social worker not a PhD, at this point I’m scared I might have some underlying issues so I’m thinking of looking for more intensive therapy. I’ve been seeing her for a while and I still feel like I’m in the same place. Not going to lie though I’m not putting my all into it at the moment, my depression is so bad right now I haven’t even been going to my sessions recently. After all this I’m going to make an appointment asap and talk about all this. I genuinely want to get better, I’m tired of being so toxic to myself and others. It’s time I step it up and start being an adult.JayDecember 5, 2022 at 12:47 pm #1117051
@Anonymousse I usually have a pretty high tolerance for alc when not on meds so I thought only a few shots wouldn’t do much but you’re right that was very stupid of me to think that. When on meds I can’t just hope the alc won’t hit me hard, I should just avoid that all together. I think I subconsciously get myself that drunk because I start feeling like I want to cry and let everything out. I tend to suppress my emotions sometimes and don’t let myself feel them. I do have a lot of horrible shit going on in my life, my brother is schizophrenic and I grew up with him taking drugs and making it worse, calling my mom horrible names, breaking and stealing our stuff, while we were locked in a tiny 1 bedroom apartment with him. He’s now homeless and has moved on to blues. I have a lot of hate and resentment towards him in my heart on the surface, but beneath it all, it hurts me so bad to see him that way. My mom is horribly depressed over it all and I just want him to get better so she can be happy. My dad isn’t in the picture, he was deported when I was about 8 yrs old for being a pedophile. I’ve always hated that piece of shit.
When I get drunk this all comes out and it feels good to cry and release all my emotions but there are way healthier ways to do that. Ultimately, it is extremely dangerous for me to drink, I end up feeling really suicidal too, which is not good at all. You’re right, I need to take therapy more seriously and reconsider my friendships. The only other close friend I have right now is Amy and she’s an amazing person. I’ve never doubted her, she’s been so sweet to me and I know I can count on her with anything. She even let Sally use her social for a job because Sally wasn’t born in the US. It’s crazy how one tiny person can have so much compassion and maturity at such a young age. I’m so grateful to have her in my life. I need more people like her in my life and I hope once I’ve healed and am in a better place I can find people I’m comfortable with who appreciate me. Thank you for your concern, I really appreciate your input.AnonymousseDecember 6, 2022 at 11:51 am #1117064
No one I know, even large men can take a series of shots in quick succession and be fine. You’re 19. You should not even have an alcohol tolerance, really.
You are not supposed to drink on any of the meds you are on. You aren’t even giving your antidepressants a chance to work. Please be careful with yourself. Being drunk and vulnerable in a bedroom at a party isn’t a good place to be. Amy is not always going to be there, you only really have yourself to save yourself and also make sure you’re making good choices.