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Dear Wendy

Found out I’m the other woman

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  • #886172 Reply

    Hi, I have been seeing a guy for a year. I’m 33 and he is 34. Throughout that year it has been a little complicated as he suffers with anxiety and depression and is now on medication and having counselling, but we connect on every level and my feelings for him are deep. I was hit with a bombshell last week when I found out that I am actually the other woman. It has caused me so much pain because a) I didnt know I was the other woman and b) this relationship is now nothing that I thought it was.
    He has told me that whilst his feelings were not a lie he needs to right now stop things with me and work out his issues with his counsellor and work out why he did what he did. He said that his world is very cloudy right so doesnt trust his own judgement and doesnt know where his head is at but that he does think he can see a future with his gf.
    However, he is saying he doesnt want me out of his life and would like us to be friends but the relationship has to stop. My head is all over the place, I feel a million emotions right now and dont know what’s true and what isnt. I told him needed space to get over this but within 2 days I was txting again and he said he had to stop himself from messaging me several times. I don’t understand how he can do this. And me aside how can he not see he is clearly not happy in his relationship. I need some advice away from my inner circle who now obviously brand him every name under the sun. Please any advice! Thank you, L x

    #886173 Reply
    Miss MJMiss MJ

    You need a clean break. Even if you take out the fact that he lied to you about a very fundamental thing in his life for a year – a thing that, had you known, would have been a dealbreaker, right – he’s told you he doesn’t want to be in a romantic relationship with you. That’s really the bottom line. He does not want you romantically. So, that should be that.

    The friends thing is BS he’s using to keep you in the hook just in case his primary relationship – the one he wants to sort out – falls apart. You’re the fallback.

    I’m sorry this happened to you, but you deserve so much better than this. Block, delete, whatever you have to do, but go no contact immediately.

    #886174 Reply

    You know he is capable of lying about every aspect of his life and carrying on an affair without a shred of remorse for an entire year. Why in the world are you continuing to text him? Why would you want anything to do with him? Who cares if he isn’t happy with his partner? You need to cut this guy completely out of your life, get tested for every std under the sun, and do not continue any sort of relationship with him. He did this because he’s a selfish asshole who literally doesn’t care how his actions hurt other people. Aim higher.

    #886175 Reply

    Good lord. Find your morals and stop contacting this person altogether. Don’t be “friends,” don’t text. Friends don’t lie about something so intimate for a solid YEAR. That’s some next-level duplicity!

    And, no, he didn’t have an affair because he was “not happy” in his relationship. He did it because he was very happy lying to two women to get all the ego boost he wanted. STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR THIS PERSON and aim higher.

    Jesus, if you want to have children, you don’t have time to waste on this garbage. The more contact you have, the more lies you’ll get. Stop contact. He’s not your friend.

    #886176 Reply

    Your inner circle is correct. He should be called every name under the sun. It’s sad that you are already trying to justify what he’s done to you. Let alone his actual girlfriend. He took advantage of you and deceived you for a year. Your entire history and relationship was based on a lie.

    He wants to keep things “friends” to gauge exactly how pathetic you are. If you’re desperate enough to forgive this and knowingly stay “friends,” after what he did to you-hoping he leaves his legitimate relationship, he knows you have extremely low self esteem, low enough to probably continue engaging in a relationship in which you are choosing to be the side piece. That’s what he’s doing. Setting you up.

    How did he lie so well over the last year? Did you meet his family, friends, roommate? Did you ever go to his house at all? What red flags did you ignore?

    What you should do is block him completely and think about he signs you missed. Is he a cheating mastermind or were you naive? Please, listen to your friends and do the right thing for yourself. Don’t be friends with someone who betrayed you for an entire year. I notice you didn’t mention him apologizing or coming clean to his girlfriend.

    #886177 Reply

    “And me aside how can he not see he is clearly not happy in his relationship”

    This says you want to have him dump his gf and get back with you. Really? After you’ve learned that he is a cheater who cheated on his gf with you? After he strung you along for a year under totally false pretenses, lying to you the whole time? At his core, he’s not at all the person you thought he was. You’ve spent a year with a stranger who made up the basics about himself. If you have any self esteem at all, you’ll block him totally and move on with no future contact. There is no future with him He cheated on her, he’d cheat on you. If he thought of you as a special love, he’d have broken up with his gf long ago. He didn’t. In fact he broke up with you. That, and all the lying, shows what his true feelings toward you are.

    #886180 Reply

    Every time he was with his real girlfriend, he avoided LW by telling her that he was “depressed” and his life is “complicated.” For a year.

    #886184 Reply

    I’d guess the “anxiety and depression” bit was a lie, too. It provided a convenient excuse when he wanted to be with his girlfriend.

    How can you trust one word that comes out of this guy’s mouth? He’s lied to you for a YEAR. He lied to his girlfriend for a YEAR. Lie after lie after lie. How do you know he’s not lying when he says he loves you?

    You’re lying to yourself, too, when you say you know he’s not happy in his relationship. You didn’t even know that relationship existed until last week. If he weren’t happy, if he truly loved you and not her, he would have broken up with her. They’re not married, they don’t have kids, there’s no reason he couldn’t have said “honey, I’m sorry, but I’ve fallen in love with someone else.”

    And at any rate, he dumped you. No more romantic relationship. He says he sees a future with her. Not you. He just wants to keep you on the hook so you can continue to boost his ego.

    This relationship is over. Mourn the loss, keep yourself busy. And for god’s sake, block him, delete his contact information, and be grateful you only sunk a year into this mess.

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