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Found out my mother was adopted, she doesn't know yet. Should I tell her?

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice Found out my mother was adopted, she doesn't know yet. Should I tell her?

This topic contains 38 replies, has 10 voices, and was last updated by avatar What?! 2 months, 1 week ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 13 through 24 (of 39 total)
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  • #814694 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    You can do the ancestry test and keep it private so that no one can match to it or ever see it. I think that is an option with all of the tests. I tested with 23andMe and then I also did Ancestry. I chose 23andMe because it also had the health tests. I did Ancestry about a year later because my husband had done both and felt that he got a more detailed place of origin from Ancestry. I was disappointed with Ancestry. It gave very little information about where my ancestors came from.

    I then found out about a site called Promethease.com

    For $10 you can upload your DNA information from 23andM3 or Ancestry or MyHeritage and within about 15 minutes you will get a full health report. Theirs has much more information than 23andMe. That’s how I found out about my genes for insulin. Promethease ties in to a database at NIH where genetics researchers upload their results. That database doubles in data each year so every so often, maybe 2 to 3 times per year, I rerun my results. The rerun costs nothing. The initial expense is the only expense.

    Promethease doesn’t explain your results. There is a brief description of the gene and what it does. 23andMe does a much more detailed explanation of results but covers far fewer conditions. 23andMe used to cover many more conditions but the FDA stopped them and now they must prove the accuracy of each test before they can give you the results. 23andMe is constantly updating with new health reports. They are actively running proof of accuracy through the FDA and getting approval for more results. Those results are then added to your information at no extra cost. Important tests, like the ones for Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s and also BRCA breast cancer genes, require you to state that you want to see the results. You are asked on each of them if you want the result.

    #814695 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    I chose to be public because I am doing genealogy and use the public matches to help me trace my family tree. My mom has chosen to be private and there is no trace of her on the site. I only know that she has results because I know she took the test. No one else knows she is there unless she tells them and even knowing she is there doesn’t give anyone the ability to see her.

    If my DNA helps to catch a murderer or rapist I am happy to let it be used. If I have some cousin, which I am sure I don’t, doing awful things I am more than happy to contribute to catching them.

    #814700 Reply
    avatar
    anonymousse
    Member

    It’s really messed up that instead of making a choice to contact your mom or not, they passed that on to you. For that reason alone (+your mother’s health) I would say eff that.

    And that’s assuming this is legitimate. I don’t think a real therapist would go this far into their patient’s life. A therapist would support and help this person do what they need to, but not to this point. Generally, they do not contact outside people unless there is a risk of harm involved. It sounds like bs. How did they find your phone number? This whole thing is just really weird.

    If you just want to write this off and focus on your life and your mother, that’s what you should do.

    #814701 Reply
    FireStar
    FireStar
    Participant

    Sounds sketchy. She has spent years looking…moved to the states and then didn’t reach out on her own? Nah. That doesn’t ring true. Neither does a therapist reaching out to a child of the person. A therapist might counsel the woman to send a letter or something but to involve herself to this degree? Uh.uh. Because all they have right now is speculation. You didn’t list anything definitive that says your mom is related to her. For them to present this as fact at this stage is irresponsible. Honestly.

    Tell them they have the wrong person. If you aren’t capable of just walking away then I agree with the plan for them to send her DNA profile to you through a reputable company. I get the sense that they won’t though. If your mom is fragile you don’t have to tell her any of this.

    #814709 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    Scam. Made up bullshit. Somebody wants money. PS — The “therapist”s” story is almost as believable as the newz that Bradley Cooper and I will be having sex in the next five minutes.

    #814712 Reply
    avatar
    peggy

    Agree with BGM-my first thoughts were “SCAM”. I would tell the “therapist” that you have no interest in pursuing this further and ask her not to contact your family again.

    #814726 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    The serious risk of it being a scam is why I would start with researching the therapist. It seems way beyond what a therapist would do. I’d see if there is such a therapist and if there is contact them to see if they are the person who actually called. If it turns out that the therapist doesn’t exist or there is such a therapist but they didn’t call you, meaning someone was using their name, I’d call the police/sheriff and report them as a scam. You have to wonder how they managed to get your phone number and I’d assume that they know where you live which is creepy. It is very convenient for them that your grandparents aren’t alive to say anything about the truth of this. I personally think a child who is three would remember suddenly going to live with a different family. That would be a hugely stressful life change and one that a child of that age would remember. It could easily be their earliest memory but I think it would be there.

    #814727 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    If you don’t want to research the therapist it is fine to tell them to leave you alone and refuse to have anything to do with them. You could also tell the therapist that “Of course, I will require a DNA test to prove that she is my aunt.”

    I bet at that point they will disappear.

    There is a possibility that it is some more distant relative or former neighbor of your grandparents where they came from, who knows about your mom and her parents and that they have decided to scam you. If they came from the same community they would have some knowledge about your mom and her parents and could easily decide to use that knowledge. That would also help explain how they figured out your contact information.

    #814732 Reply
    avatar
    JD

    Uh BGM not to be weird but if that happens I for sure want video. K thanks.

    #814740 Reply
    avatar
    Poppy
    Member

    I know everyone is saying scam but that’s alot of detail for someone to know about a persons family history and the end goal is so two sisters can meet. OP should check the credentials of the therapist and if it turns out to be a scam I would turn the info over to the police. If it turns out to be creditable then I would express my frustration to that therpaist for contacting you and that its not your place give this kind of news. If this women wants to reach out to your mother then she needs to make that connection with your mother. Then it will be up to your mom to pursue further. If your mom does decide to move forward I would get a blood test done just to confirm for fact they are blood.

    #814750 Reply
    avatar
    Northern Star

    It’s either a scam or a TERRIBLE, AWFUL therapist. A decent therapist would encourage her patient to reach out to her sister herself (if that was deemed a healthy choice).

    Protect your mom. Ignore.

    #814753 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    @Poppy I think that often in a first generation, ethnic immigrant community most people in that community will know about many of the other people in the community so someone could easily come up with details and the contact information. The details also don’t match what the LW knows about her family. Her private information has probably come from someone who knows her. Knowing that the mother has cancer could make it seem like an opportune time to strike because suddenly time may seem short and people will react emotionally without being cautious.

    LW This doesn’t sound like something a therapist would do. If you want to look into this, and you certainly don’t have to, I’d ask the therapist for their name, ask them to spell it out, where their office is, where they got their graduate degree or degrees, when they got the degree, what the degree is in and where they got their undergraduate degree. Also ask if they mind if you have someone check that out. Begin it all by asking if they mind if you record the call. A scammer won’t want anything on record that can be traced back to them. All of the questions will help to weed out a scammer because it will make them realize you are checking them out. Then if there is a therapist with that name and address you look up their contact information on the internet and call to see if that therapist did actually call you. If they didn’t they deserve to know that someone is using their identity in a scam. Don’t use any contact information that is given to you by the person who called you. If it is a scam of course calling the given number won’t get you in touch with a real therapists office.

    If that seems like too much hassle don’t bother and cut all contact. If it begins to eat away at you that your mom might have a long lost sister then proceed with lots of caution. Assume that there is a high probability of fraud.

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