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Dear Wendy

“Found out my wife was talking to her ex behind my back”

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice “Found out my wife was talking to her ex behind my back”

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  • #840780 Reply
    Dear WendyDear Wendy

    From a LW:

    “Hello, so I got a call from PayPal stating I owed something I never purchased and my wife never told me about and they said it was about to go into collections. They asked me if I wanted the email address used to purchase the item. The address given to me was my wife’s old email address I thought she had not used in years. So I looked through the email to see if I could find this purchase and I can across a Facebook account that was under my wife’s maiden name. She has another FB account that is public and uses my last name. So I became curious to see if this was just an old account or something new, I saw however there has been recent postings, postings of her and my daughter with absolutely no mention of me. On top of that she only has 1 friend on this FB account and come to find out after I searched further this person was an ex boyfriend of 5 years. So I see a message from him saying “I’ll hit u up in messenger.” I’m very curious so I went into her messenger and found very lengthy conversations between the 2 of them. Also I see in the messages that she admits to calling him several times like “I called u 6 times.” I work 2 Jobs and she I out of work right now so she has a lot of idol time while I am supporting us. She takes good care of our daughter. So I guess my biggest gripe is I feel betrayed I have talked to my sons mother in the past, my ex, in front of my wife total disclosure and she freaked out and made me message her that I would never talk to her again because she said I sounded like I was getting to close to her. I feel betrayed by her I try very hard to be there for her with all of her issues right now, and also this is worth mentioning as well about 3 years again she left a FB account open by accident on our computer and come to find out she had a few friends which was her ex and her ex sister. When I confronted her about that one 3 years ago she freaked out and said her account was hacked, I gave her the benefit of the doubt but new the posts sounded a lot like stuff she would say. I haven’t addressed her about this yet as I just found out last night and this kept me up most of the night due to uncomfortable feelings of betrayal. I thought we were closer than this. I don’t know what to do next or how to proceed, I want to be careful because she has a tendency to try to blow this stuff back at me. And trust me I’m open to do counseling, but don’t think she would be. I don’t know if I should reach out to the guy through her messenger and tell him to set off and leave us alone like she basically did with my ex as I mentioned before. Sorry for being lengthy would really appreciate some feedback. Thanks for being here for people like myself because I’m stuck I don’t know what to do next, I just don’t want to be lied to and want things to work out, but I don’t know if I can trust her now. “

    #840786 Reply

    She is likely hooking up with her ex.

    #840787 Reply

    So there seem to be a lot of trust issues between you and your wife. Her overly controlling demand that you cease contact with the mother of your child was way not ok. In order to be a good coparent and father you need at least a baseline of neutral contact with your son’s mother. You using a weird charge on paypal to go down a major rabbit hole of snooping through multiple accounts is also way, way not ok. It’s a violation of her privacy. You both have controlling behavior and trust issues to work on. It does seem like she’s using this account to have private contact with her ex that may not be ok. If it’s not a full blown affair it may be an emotional one. There a red flags here for both of you. I would open up this conversation by owning your own poor and controlling behavior and apologize for snooping. Acknowledge that you’ve contributed to the toxicity in your marriage. Then ask her about the affair. She very well may try to lie, deflect, or tantrum her way out the conversation but try to keep calm and on task. You absolutely need counselling. If she wont go then go without her. It doesn’t sound like you two have a healthy dynamic of trust and respect for each other, and couple that with you having all the financial control, working a lot, and being home with a young child all day and she may have been looking for an outlet. There are serious issues here and you both need to take a hard look and make some major changes to move forward. Counselling asap, both together and separately. This may not be salvageable, the only way it may be is if you are both willing to be completely honest with each other and do the hard work of fixing yourselves.

    #840794 Reply

    “You using a weird charge on paypal to go down a major rabbit hole of snooping through multiple accounts is also way, way not ok.”

    I don’t agree with this. She is practicing financial infidelity, at MINIMUM, and I think he has a right to research the information that was given to him by paypal to see where the charge is coming from. He didn’t hack her passwords or anything; he looked at a public facebook page.

    Whatever you do, LW, do NOT accept it when she tries to make this your fault somehow. Her behavior is wrong, she needs to own up to it, and she needs to go to counseling.

    #840795 Reply

    Tell her you saw the messages and you want a divorce just to rock the fucking boat, she’s going to try to gaslight you, don’t give in, show this bitch who’s the man of the house, working 2 jobs so she can fuck her Ex’s while she made you drop your ex. Time to make a stand, and make this lady get a job, transfer all your money into another account and tell her she paying for whatever shit she needs.

    #840797 Reply

    Yeah, the framing whereby this is fault or should be seen primarily through the lens of his (justified) distrust is I think not right. Snooping isn’t good but he had cause. Her affair is the primary issue here. If ultimately she owns up to her conduct and wants to repair the marriage everything gets addressed, but that’s not the starting point.

    “It doesn’t sound like you two have a healthy dynamic of trust and respect for each other, and couple that with you having all the financial control, working a lot, and being home with a young child all day and she may have been looking for an outlet.”

    He sounds less distrustful then she should be. He bought her previous lies about her Facebook being hacked. His distrust is a reasonable response to the circumstances. The idea that it somehow mitigates her infidelity is I think severely misguided.

    #840798 Reply

    But it doesn’t even sound like snooping was the intent. There was a weird charge using an old email address of hers. It was only when he checked that account – that he had all of the passwords to access – he found stuff that led to the current problem.

    She was using an old email address to carry on this emotional (or otherwise) affair – and only by virtue of this PayPal issue was it found. He didn’t suspect anything was wrong and wasn’t looking for evidence of infidelity.

    Knowing this… and knowing your wife is lying to you – no one was “hacked” -you have to decide what you want to do. Tbh -she sounds awful, demanding you cut contact with your ex is unreasonable.

    Marriage counseling asap.

    #840802 Reply
    Kate B.Kate B.

    I realize this is not a popular view, but I don’t have a problem with snooping. I acknowledge that it is a symptom of a larger problem that should be dealt with, but I would never apologize for doing it, and here’s why: A person who’s cheating on you has already proven that they will lie to you. If I were to confront that person, I would want hard evidence. Without evidence, I would ask them directly if they’re cheating, and of course they’d say no. All I would have is their word that they’re not cheating; the word of a liar. Where there’s smoke, there’s fire. In this case, I think the LW was justified in doing what he did. I would do the same thing if Paypal contacted me about a strange charge going to collections, for which I could be liable. Doing so just happened to lead him down this path.

    #840803 Reply

    she is controlling about your contact with the mother of your child, because she knows that men and women can’t be in contact without cheating on their SO’s, because she cheat’s on her SO with her ex’s when she is in touch with them and just assumes everyone in the world is as shady as she is. She’s also very stupid — she brought all of this to your attention by buying something on an old credit card and ignoring the bills until it went to collection. She sneaks around like a plodding elephant. It’s time to MOA, nothing for you here.

    #840807 Reply

    You both seem way to controlling, you freaked out 3 years ago over her being friends with her ex, and his sister on facebook, and that shit just isn’t normal, just like it isn’t normal for her to demand that you don’t have any contact with your sons mother. It’s no wonder she is trying to hide contact with her ex now, with what happened 3 years ago, but she treats you the same way so I don’t know what to tell you. It really just sounds like it’s probably a toxic relationship overall

    #840809 Reply

    First off, you are avoiding bringing this up bc she has a tendency to turn things around on you. Do you realize how toxic that dynamic is? It’s indicative of an extremely manipulative personality on your wife’s part if every time you bring up a real concern she turns the blame on you.

    Print out what you’ve found. Present it to her. When she pretends she’s been hacked, stare her dead in the eye and tell her you cannot rebuild trust if she is going to continue to lie. Say you’ll be making an appointment with a couples counselor and she can either show up or you can get a divorce. I normally wouldn’t advocate such a hard line stance on this kind of thing, but it sounds like your wife is used to you believing her flimsy lies and giving in to her batshit demands. You don’t seem like a stupid guy so why are you behaving as if her flimsy excuses are anything but that? Do you like being lied to and deceived?

    Also, you stopped talking to the mother of your child bc your wife told you to. How do you even arrange visitation if that’s the case? If you’re not communicating with her, how do you know what’s going on with your son? How can you possibly be a good dad if you have no contact with her? If you’ve given up on your son because of this woman you probably need to get out of this marriage. You have multiple children with different women and you need to prioritize being a good father first and foremost.

    #840811 Reply

    Normally I agree that if there is evidence of an affair snooping is justified. But in this case he seems to be saying he had no clue anything was amiss, saw this weird charge, and instead of simply asking his wife he went into her email (I’m very curious how he had the password for it), looked up a Facebook account and then somehow accessed the messenger for that account (again curious how he had the password for that account). He didn’t simply stumble on this public information. It required password access to at least 2 different places. For a person who had no idea anything was amiss and presumably trusted his wife that is an extremely odd way to go about this. If my husband told me “hey there was this weird charge so i went through your personal email account without your knowledge instead of ASKING YOU” it would be syonara city for me. That tells me that one of two things was happening: either he suspected an affair, or he has major trust and boundary issues himself and this is how he normally operates. Yes, she’s having an affair (whether emotional only or physical Also) and his snooping revealed that. But if the snooping in the first place was a result of his own controlling nature then that gives some insight into why she may be looking outside the marriage in the first place. Or maybe not. But if this marriage has a prayer it requires complete honesty from both partners and major changes. If he even wants to save it. Either way therapy is in order. A good woman in a future relationship isn’t going to stick around for demands about who she can and can’t speak to, giving up passwords to all her accounts for him to peruse at will, and snooping instead of honest conversations. So he needs to get those things in check

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