April 12, 2019 at 10:52 am #840813
He didn’t have “no clue anything was amiss.” She was in touch with her ex and his sister years ago and denied it. (Account was hacked? please.) She freaked out on him for simply talking to the mother of his own child. And then this weird charge comes up.
Those are LOTS of clues, and he was right to follow up.April 12, 2019 at 10:53 am #840814
Yeah, I feel like, if you see a weird charge, the first normal response is to just ask your spouse about it. That’s different to me than if you see a sexy text or DM come through.
But if you already have zero trust, then I guess the extreme rabbit hole approach makes sense. It’s just… how do you fix that? Counseling is the only hope, and both people have to be committed to it.April 12, 2019 at 10:53 am #840815
He probably has her password as she DEMANDED all of his. Not only is she a lying cheater, but a rather dimwitted one at that.
PS : golfergal, you are REALLY reaching here when you try to blame the victim.April 12, 2019 at 11:07 am #840818
In a trusting relationship, you would have just asked your wife about the charge. And instead of going snooping into multiple different accounts of hers, you would have had a conversation. I don’t normally think snooping is okay, but I’m neutral about this instance. Your marriage is really in trouble. You have no trust, and although she might not be actively physically cheating, she’s seeking and getting attention from outside your marriage.
You don’t trust her enough to even talk to her about this without her twisting it around on you. For this reason, I am perplexed as to why you are still with her. Staying together for the sake of the kids is mostly not a good idea, if that’s what you are thinking.April 12, 2019 at 11:49 am #840823
BGM, I’m not trying to blame him. Her insistence that he cut off the mother of his child is beyond the pale. And his snooping revealed an affair he believes she will try to lie and gaslight her way out of. She’s already proved herself a hypocrite when it comes to contact with exes. This is really, really not good and points to her not being a good person or partner. None of these things is the Lw’s fault and there is zero justification for cheating.
The fact that he went right from “weird charge” to snooping through multiple accounts tells me something is amiss here. Someone in a healthy relationship who trusts their partner wouldn’t do that. If this is his natural response (whether because he’s always been that way or because this toxic relationship has made him that way) then that should be a red flag to him. He made no mention whatsoever of saying he wouldn’t normally snoop or knowing that snooping is generally wrong, which makes me worry this is his natural way. This will become a problem when he’s trying to be with someone in the future who isn’t jealous, crazy, or untrustworthy. We don’t know the whole history here, and if he is also unreasonably jealous or regularly violates his partner’s privacy that could be part of how they got to such a screwed up place. Or, if the immediate choice to snoop instead of communicate is something he learned because of his fucked up wife, he needs to get some counselling to unlearn it before he can be ready for a healthy relationship.April 12, 2019 at 12:56 pm #840828
I don’t think it’s odd or unusual that he looked at the email account. My first thought would be to look up the bill to see if it was there and then tell my husband about it. I’d expect him to do the same. Look into it and then tell me what you found. If I thought someone might be fraudulently billing us through some old email I’d look into it right away because there could be more unpaid bills. I’d want to know immediately.
Instead of finding bills he found a hidden Facebook account. At that point I think he was find to look further. She would deny everything if he just asked so he is in the position of needing to know for himself.
At this point I don’t think there is much to save in this marriage but I don’t think he’s been stalking her accounts. If he had been this wouldn’t have been a surprise. He would have already known.
OP The only thing you can do at this point is try counseling to figure out how to talk about this and what needs to happen to bring back some level of trust. I doubt your wife will be invested enough to do the work required to get your marriage on track. I’d talk to a counselor but also to a lawyer.April 12, 2019 at 1:08 pm #840829
It went to collections, which means someone is putting HIS finances at risk. You’re damn straight I’d find out all I could.April 12, 2019 at 1:10 pm #840830
If a weird bill or collection came up under my wife’s email, I certainly would n’t just log into her email to see what it is, I would ask her. How is that not unusual in a trusting relationship? Also how did he get into her hidden facebook account or her old email address? I guess we are assuming his wife uses the same password for everything, and he has that password, or did he reset her password? It’s weird for somebody to keep the same password when they are trying to cheat. I would be interested to see what these actual messages were between his wife and her ex, since he blew up over her even being friends with a different ex, and her sister on her other facebook page.
This guy went down a really weird rabbit whole, and there has to be a reason for it.April 12, 2019 at 1:29 pm #840831
LW clearly states he contacted PayPal regarding a bill PayPal contacted him about that was about to go into collections and PayPal gave him the email address which just so happens to be his wife’s old email, one she hadn’t used in years “supposedly” that the collection item was on. He went onto his wifes old email account to locate this purchase item then came across a new Facebook account created recently which then sparked him to look into that Facebook. Had he not received a bill collection he would not have done x,y,and z. His intent was pure innocent until he saw the red flag that provoked him which anyone would do if they saw some concern emails from their significant other. Its a wtf moment not i have trust issues/insecurity moment so im going to snoop.
April 12, 2019 at 1:35 pm #840834
- This reply was modified 1 week, 4 days ago by Poppy.
So he just had the password to his wife’s old email that doesn’t get used anymore? You can’t just go to gmail, and type somebody’s email in and see their messages. Going into somebody else’s email instead of asking them is not pure innocent, it is a I have trust issues/insecurity moment if you choose that route instead of just asking your SO.April 12, 2019 at 1:42 pm #840836
Agree, I would absolutely text or call my husband to ask him about the charge before going into his personal email, and we’d discuss from there. If I didn’t trust him already and we had poor communication and things were pretty fucked up, I don’t even know if I’d log onto his email. Maybe. But I’m pretty sure I’d talk to him first. If I didn’t like his answers, I might ask to see his email.April 12, 2019 at 1:43 pm #840837
No, I disagree that going directly into snooping into your wife’s old email account is purely innocent. Or normal at all. Most people would ask their partner first if they trusted them. I mean, that would’ve gotten right to the answer of the account going into collections. Did you buy this thing? Yes/No.
He hasn’t trusted her for ages- maybe their entire relationship, which is why he blew up about her being FB friends with an ex and his sister YEARS ago. This whole relationship is really messed up, and it should have been over and done a long time ago. They never had trust.