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“Found out my wife was talking to her ex behind my back”

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice “Found out my wife was talking to her ex behind my back”

This topic contains 46 replies, has 10 voices, and was last updated by avatar anonymousse 1 week, 2 days ago.

Viewing 11 posts - 37 through 47 (of 47 total)
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  • #840860 Reply
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    Ange

    I mean, what were the wife and ex talking about? Was it sexual or chatting or what? I just think these two are so screwed up about what’s appropriate neither of them can manage healthy communication anymore. Not once have either of them really displayed any sort of maturity about how to tackle issues….

    #840864 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    There’s no smoking gun, just a smoked dink.

    #840865 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    There’s no smoking gun, just a smoked dink.

    #840883 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    I just read it again, and Anonymousse is right, there’s actually no indication of anything romantic or sexual… just long conversations on Messenger. His real issue is just that her ex is a FB friend. And that she’s totally hypocritical, having told him not to talk to his own ex, and then being caught twice talking to hers.

    And the backstory about PayPal doesn’t convince me either. If he handles all their finances like people are suggesting, and his phone # is on the account, how did he not know there was an outstanding balance before it went to collections? Also, your PayPal ID is your email, no? If she used an old email address, wouldn’t that be a whole separate account? And why would his phone # be on it? Idk, I only have one PayPal, my own, and never had an outstanding charge on it, but this doesn’t sound right.

    I think these are just two messed up jealous people who don’t trust each other and don’t know how to communicate, and need counseling. He obviously has no clue how to approach her and is afraid to. He’d rather message the ex than discuss this with his wife. That’s really messed up.

    But to everyone who’s saying she’s banging the ex… nah. I think he would have mentioned if it was all sexy talk. It sounds like an emotional affair or maybe just a friendship that’s inappropriate under the circumstances.

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 4 days ago by avatar Kate.
    • This reply was modified 1 week, 4 days ago by avatar Kate.
    #840895 Reply
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    golfer.gal

    Kate, I agree. That’s basically what I was trying to say in my original comment, albeit less eloquently. He actually says his biggest problem with the situation is that she forced him to cut contact with his ex years ago and he’s now caught her twice talking to hers. This “tit for tat” jealousy and controlling behavior tells me there are problems on both sides. And yes, after deep snooping he says he found “lengthy conversations” and that’s it. Not sexual talk. Could it have gotten there on the phone or in person? Sure. But we don’t know that. The only way to know is to ask her, and i think it needs to be part of a larger conversation about a really unhealthy dynamic of jealousy, mistrust, and poor communication in their marriage which both partners have a problem with. I’m not saying what the wife has done is ok. If my partner had a secret Facebook account only to have lengthy conversions with an ex I’d be feeling very upset and worried. Counselling is needed, and if the wife won’t go then go without her. They also may want to look at the Gottman Institute’s website and resources. John Gottman and his wife are renowned relationship experts who identified the “four horseman” of a marriage: contempt, stonewalling, defensiveness, and criticism. All of those seem to be at play here, which is really, really bad news. They both need to make changes, which is why I suggested the conversation might be better received if he opens it up by owning up to his part

    #840897 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    Right, the marriage was already in a very bad place before he discovered these Facebook conversations. He’s afraid to talk to her and doesn’t know how. Both of them think the solution is to just never talk to the ex again, but obviously it’s not that simple and they need to get to the roots of their problems.

    So yeah, I think his best approach is to sit down with her and tell her what he found (and honestly own up to snooping if the circumstances aren’t exactly as he represented them here), and say he wants them to figure things out and try to make it work but that they need help. And is she also committed to making it work? If so, let’s get help because what we’ve been doing isn’t working.

    #840915 Reply
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    anonymousse
    Member

    “I called you six times,” is not sexual or romantic.

    This was the top secret hidden message account- with no nudes, sexual or romantic content.

    #840930 Reply
    FireStar
    FireStar
    Participant

    It seems like it is a hidden relationship. Every couple gets to decide their line in the sand (however odd it seems to us) and it seems like this friendship with an ex crosses the lines they set up for themselves. If their rule is no exes.. to the point she wanted him to stop effectively co parenting with the mother of his children then she absolutely betrayed a trust.

    #841068 Reply
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    FYI

    Stunned by some of these comments.

    If your spouse says, “I called you six times” to an ex on a SECRET, hidden account, that’s a problem.

    #841071 Reply
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    Kate

    Yes, it’s obviously a problem, but it definitely does not mean they have had sex or anything physical. And unlikely, but they could honestly just be friends but she has to hide it because she made such a big ridiculous ultimatum about his ex.

    #841077 Reply
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    anonymousse
    Member

    No one said it wasn’t a problem. But it’s also not indicative of a physically sexual affair. This is the secret hidden account…with nothing that’s even remotely tantalizing.

    I mean, that is where the evidence would be…a secret account! As if a person isn’t allowed to have accounts their wife or husband doesn’t know about. With all the trust issues here, I’m not surprised she has other accounts he doesn’t know about (but has the passwords for?)I bet he does, too.

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