Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Freaking out

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This topic contains 17 replies, has 8 voices, and was last updated by avatar CET 4 days, 2 hours ago.

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  • #852034 Reply
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    Sally

    Hi I’m Sally and I am a but lost. I am married 4 years to an amazing man we never fight but we never do other things too as in have sex. We had IVF a few years ago it failed and he decided that we wouldn’t go again I have kids from previous relationship I am down to go for a procedure that will mean I cannot have more kids. At the moment I am freaking out as even though with my husband I can’t what if I want to some other time if this relationship doesn’t work. I feel like I’m living with my brother I love him dearly but I have a high sex drive and he doesn’t it has been months have spoken to him and it doesn’t bother him am I being selfish??? He is just so good I don’t want to hurt him but I do not think I can survive in a relationship with no intimacy it has me so down. Any advice gladly taken. Thanks

    #852035 Reply

    If you’ve told him you cannot be in a relationship with no sex and he’s not interested in working on this issue at all, you know what you need to do. I would agree that no sex is a real dealbreaker for many, and a good reason to break up. What procedure are you having? You should not be trying for another child if your relationship isn’t working. If you’re getting a tubal ligation and don’t want one, that’s your choice.

    #852037 Reply
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    sally123
    Member

    I am having Endometrial ablation done. We are not trying for a child he is unable to have children but afraid if our relationship doesn’t work and if I have procedure done I will be unable to ever have kids again. Thanks so much for your responce

    #852038 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    Why have the procedure though, if you don’t have sex and he can’t have kids? Is it medically necessary?

    #852040 Reply
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    sally123
    Member

    Hey Kate I suffer very badly month to month so this was the option to ease it for me as all other routes did not work

    #852041 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    Well, you already have been blessed with kids. It seems like the right thing to do would be to end your monthly suffering and then also end this relationship that’s not serving you well. Focus on your kids, yourself, your job, doing things that make you happy.

    #852043 Reply
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    LisforLeslie

    Your first paragraph is a bit of a rambling mess but if I break it down
    1. You have a child
    2. You want more children
    3. You are about to go through a procedure that is medically necessary that may prevent you from having more children
    4. Your current husband can not father children
    5. Your marriage is on thin ice
    6. You’re worried about having this procedure because you expect your marriage to end and are worried you won’t be able to have more kids with another man.

    Your health is more important than your ability to have more children. You need to be in good health and available for your existing child.

    #852067 Reply
    Dear Wendy
    Dear Wendy
    Keymaster

    Get the procedure if you’ve been told it’s the one last thing that will help with your cramps or whatever, especially since you already have kids (if you have at least two, that’s enough already. The world is so overpopulated as it is and there are so many kids without families who can be adopted if you end up feeling so strongly you want to parent an additional child).

    As for your husband, request he get a full physical to rule out any medical reason his libido is shot. Since you say you love him dearly and don’t want to hurt him, go to some marriage counseling to get a better sense of whether your issues are something that can be worked through or if this is a matter or irreconcilable differences and it’s best to go your own ways.

    #852074 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    Endometrial ablation is for extremely heavy periods. The endometrial lining is burned or frozen away so there is very little to no lining left to cause periods. The lack of lining doesn’t prevent pregnancy but makes it unlikely the pregnancy can be maintained. It also causes a higher rate of ectopic pregnancies.

    LW If you are in perimenopause, which is a common time for this to happen, do you think that you have time to get divorced, meet someone new and start a family with them, if they even want kids or more kids if they already have them?

    Can you live with increasingly heavy periods for years while waiting to meet the right guy and start a family?

    Are your periods leaving you anemic?

    Do you agree that you absolutely need this procedure?

    If you are anemic I’d do the procedure. If you are pushing the edge of fertility anyway I’d do the procedure because the odds are very low you would have more children anyway.

    Have you gotten a second opinion? Not all doctors give the same advice.

    #852084 Reply

    You wrote you never fight. Does that mean you’ve not brought this up? Having no sex doesn’t bother him? Having an unhappy wife doesn’t bother him? If you truly love him, you need to push this and ask him why. Is he cheating? Addicted to porn? Does he need to go get a medical checkup? I don’t know how old you guys are, but it seems strange to have a husband who has no sex drive at all. You need to decide what this is, and if you’re staying with him or not. The way you are wondering about future men makes me think you aren’t planning to stay.

    I also think you should get a second opinion on this procedure.

    #852087 Reply
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    ktfran
    Participant

    Going off of what @skyblossom said. Have you tried an IUD? I had extremely heavy periods. Cramps were unbearable, often resulting in me throwing up. I was anemic. I had the Mirena inserted and while I still have minor cramps and light bleeding, I’m no longer popping advil and I’m no longer anemic.

    I know you’ve said you’ve tried various things, didn’t know if this was one.

    #852093 Reply
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    Fyodor

    Did this person write in to the main column? I recall their being a column where the LW was considering this kind of procedure.

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