Friend Advice

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  • Di
    May 1, 2022 at 9:20 pm #1109040

    One of my best friends from college and I have always been close. I was the MOH at her wedding and she was in mine. She moved to my side of town to be closer to us. Her mom also moved to our side of town and all of us live in the same neighborhood. Over the last 2 to 3 years I feel like she’s become more of an introvert. She admits that too. Her dad passed in 7 yrs ago. I feel like that played apart of her becoming more introverted. She started to work from home a year after that so I don’t think that helps. We use to go out all the time and hang out. Now we live 10 houses away and I see her maybe once in 2 months. I will say that I had a baby last year but despite that I didn’t feel like we hung out much in the last 2 yrs. I’ve invited her to do stuff and even said if you want to do anything let me know. She always goes shopping with her mom. Never messages me to do anything hardly. One Saturday we had planned a double dinner date with the hubbys and the Friday before I said we can hang out after work and I can come over with some wine. She said she didn’t want to and Saturday was basically social enough for her. I’m like really? Then when she comes over once in a blue moon she’s like oh when did you do this to your house or that. I’m like you never come over. My baby cries around her bc she’s not familiar with her. I tell her she needs to hang out with us more. I mean what do I do? Hang out on her terms and stop inviting her to do stuff? I hardly have friends and it’s just disappointing.

    May 2, 2022 at 6:55 am #1109045

    I get that it’s disappointing, but it’s clear that she just doesn’t feel like socializing as much as you do.
    She’s not obligated to hang out as frequently as you want to. I’d say it’s time to make a strong effort to find friends who like to meet up as frequently as you do.

    A side note: If you don’t see your friend as often as you’d like to, don’t say things like “you never come over” when they actually visit you. You’re basically discouraging them from doing what you want.

    May 2, 2022 at 8:18 am #1109049

    Thank you for your advice. I haven’t tried to push it and kept those thoughts to myself. I’ll definitely keep in mind what you said. I always tell her she’s more than welcome to do stuff with me but always say no pressure if not.

    May 2, 2022 at 11:16 am #1109051

    Di, You say you invite, give an open invitation to hang/go out and that “no pressure if she can’t/won’t”. But based on what you wrote here, that is not true. You are disappointed and hurt when she says no.
    Sounds to me that your lifestyles have changed or you just have different levels of desire/time for social interaction. Maybe you need more friends so you do not rely on one or two for all your friendship needs.
    I have a couple of very good friends that I meet for lunch or shopping etc. and we text/talk often. However, I never invite them over and I don’t want to go to their place. I like our interaction just as it is. I will hang at home and go visit with family, but not with my friends. I work alot and need alone time and time with my husband too. Maybe she has a similar “quirk”. Does not mean she does not enjoy your friendship/company but perhaps is just less inclined to be hanging out “all the time’.

    May 2, 2022 at 12:00 pm #1109053

    I get what you’re saying. I’m not asking to hang out all the time. I guess I’m saying it would be nice to talk and hang out more than just one or twice out of 2 or 3 months. Our husbands get together at least once a week. I don’t have many friends. As we’ve gotten older friends are very few in between. It’s also harder to make new ones as we get older. Most times it’s myself, baby, or the 3 of us. Husband goes to bed by 8 each night so most times on the weekends it’s just me and the TV or me working out. Trying to make new friends in a mom group on Facebook. After these messages I’ve come to realize that even we are physically nearby it’s better to let her be. She told me a couple years ago right before I was pregnant if she got into a rut like this to slap her out of it. I would never do that. I’m not good with confrontation, but it seems like she’s fine with the way it is so I’ve let it be. I guess I’m just seeking to find out how to make this friendship better socially but it looks like I have to move on and find other friends.

    May 2, 2022 at 12:07 pm #1109054

    Wait a minute, why are you all by yourself on weekends?

    May 2, 2022 at 2:39 pm #1109057

    Ah, so this explains a lot about why you are obsessing over a decade-old-failed relationship. It sounds like you need to focus more upon problems with your husband than on a former bf and former close friend who has become an introvert. Plus… for many of us, this is still plague time and we are not doing much indoor socializing.

    Another possibility, you told introverted friend whom you were going to get together with a day later as couples, that you wanted to bring wine and come over and hang out. Your kiss with guy friend happened after a night of drinking. Perhaps introverted friend isn’t a drinker; perhaps she thinks you have a drinking problem. Perhaps it’s just that she and her mom have bonded and are supporting each other in grief over her father. Perhaps she fears to leave her mother alone too much.

    Why does your husband go to bed at 8:00 every night?

    May 2, 2022 at 2:54 pm #1109058

    There may not be much more to it than, she can’t deal with socializing 2 nights in a row. Seriously. That’s how introverts are. Extraverts don’t get it. She’s probably also tired.

    May 2, 2022 at 6:14 pm #1109062

    Seriously, that is enough socializing for me in a week with one friend! You’re putting a lot of pressure on this friendship. I agree that making some new friends is very important right now, but you don’t need to give her a hard time, cut her out of your life or anything just because she can only handle so much social interaction at a time.

    I’m an introvert, I have two kids which eats enough into my socializing energy, and if a friend was like “you need to socialize with me more or we can’t be friends,” I would probably have to say goodbye because I literally don’t have more to give certain people right now. I am an easy person to talk to and people gravitate towards me. I had to build boundaries and stop saying yes to everything for my own energy and happiness.

    Be more compassionate and more understanding. Your husband, why is he asleep at 8 or leaving you all alone at night? Make some mommy friends with babies around a similar age as yours. We’ve all had a tough few years (some tougher than others, even if they aren’t sharing even with their close friends about it) and meeting people where they are, with gratitude for what they can offer you is a great way to look at it. I used to get upset with my expectations in friendships. Now I meet what I get from the loved ones in my life with gratefulness and try to push those thoughts of “they should have! I would have done it this way!” No, everyone’s different. Be happy to have a friend nearby and expect less from her. If you get all mad at her all you are doing is ending a friendship and creating drama and maybe hurting your husband’s friendship, too.

    So, please try to temper the feelings of what you expect her to do and accept what she can do. It’s nice having friends you trust nearby.

    May 2, 2022 at 7:03 pm #1109064

    Ron I’ll try to give a better scenario. I’m not a big drinker really. The situation I mentioned with my ex was back in college. I drank and went on some weekends like many college friends. Did I ever black out in college? No. I drank to a buzz or yes got drunk with friends but i didn’t black out and never forgot anything. I didnt get drunk often. I don’t have a drinking problem and she doesn’t think that. My friend I was saying that is an introvert wasn’t that way from the beginning. We wouldn’t have become this close and best friends if she was because we wouldn’t have hung out as often as we did. We went out all the time in college and after college. After her dad passed I figured this is where the change started, but after the grieving in the first year she still kept a social life and went out often with me and friends. So for 4 years after his death, we spent a lot of time doing things together, shop, go out of town, dinners, lunches, activities like wine and paint or bouqet making class, go out to bars, breweries, parties. All sorts of stuff. She can definitely drink more than i can and she knows that. she doesn’t want to leave her mom lonely since the death. We talked about that. She just wants to make sure she sees her once a week for dinner or to hang out every so often. That’s been that way since her dad’s death until the last 3 years like I Said things started to change. It seems her anxiety seems to be higher. She started taking THC oil just to relax. I asked her what about a therapist? She said no. I’ll go into my details in my next comment.

    May 2, 2022 at 7:11 pm #1109065

    Ron to answer your statement about the ex. I switched jobs recently and now work with a different group of physicians. One of the ones I manage is his good friend. I haven’t seen him since my ex and I broke up. A few people at work ask how we know each other and I said from school.. honestly I didn’t think all the history I had would come flooding through my mind about it. I don’t talk about it with anyone except 1 friend. She was the one that suggested I ask about this topic on here to opinions. I know I made a mistake and admitted. He never did and lied and still ended up with everything he wanted. I guess I just never got that and blamed myself for the breakup.
    Telling myself I could have been better even if we weren’t supposed to be together. I hate making any kind of mistakes even if it’s part of life and growing and learning. It’s just hard.

    May 2, 2022 at 7:20 pm #1109066

    If you want to see her more, maybe a try a couple of low key hangs, like a walk or a lunch/coffee date? I’m not sure what all you’ve asked her to do.

    I will say, the older I get, the harder it is for me to hang like I once did. I met up with my in-town bestie yesterday for some shopping and a cocktail and a similar topic came up. She’s single, no kids. I’m married, no kids and between work, travel, family obligations, other friends and downtime, we have a hard time finding time to get together, which we were commenting on. It’s a win for us if it’s once a month. That seems crazy, but that’s our life.

    Since you’re a fairly new mom, now might be a good time to make some mom friends with people who have kids around the same age. That might meet some of your social needs.

    I really like everything anonymousse said. Something else I’ve done as I’ve gotten older is surround myself with different people who meet different needs. My single girlfriend who likes cocktails and concerts is one example. I have my spa/trip friend. I have my childhood/comfort friend. I have my expensive dinner out friend. I have my outlandish friend for when I’m feeling bold. You get the idea.

    FWIW, everyone but the childhood friend I met in my 30s. So it’s not unheard of to make friends as an adult. It just takes a little effort and a willingness to be open.

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