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Dear Wendy

Friend Cancelling Meet-Ups

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  • #1097440 Reply

    Dear Wendy,

    I have been a bit confused lately by the way my friend has been acting and I do not know what to do.

    She struggles with a few mental health problems, as well as experiencing terrible pain sometimes, so I am used to last minute cancellations. However, she would always make sure that things happened one way or another, and that we would (after not too much time) meetup.

    We have been living in different cities for a couple of years now and see each other every so often. In the last few months, we have been trying to arrange for her to come to visit. I keep suggesting that I could visit her instead, but she insists that she will come to me. However, whenever it comes to the day, she cancels. She always has an excuse. Last time it was that she had to work and this time it is that she forgot, misunderstood my messages that were talking about what we were going to do when she came to visit (so she still did not remember), and that she has to focus on a study she is doing and she has been in a lot of pain for nearly two weeks.

    At my Birthday and at Christmas she told me that she had sent me a present but they never arrived. She was also in London last weekend (I know because she said so on a group chat) despite being apparently in a lot of pain at the time. As a result, I don’t know if I can trust what she is saying and if she is just trying to put me off.

    I don’t know if I am being unfair, and I don’t want to give up on a good friend if it turns out that she isn’t trying to push me away at all. I know I have been stung by things from a previous friendship and that is probably affecting how I see things here, but I can’t help suspect that she’s just decided she doesn’t want to see me. What do you think I should do?

    Thank you in advance for any advice you may give,


    #1097442 Reply

    Do nothing and see if she reaches out.

    #1097446 Reply

    I agree with @anonymousse. I can appreciate that some people have chronic health issues that impact their day-to-day, but no-showing because she forgot you made plans makes her seem like a flake who falls back on her health issues to excuse poor behavior.

    #1097489 Reply
    Dear Wendy

    I suspect your friend is trying to do a slow fade on you. I agree that if you do nothing and let her reach out to you, you’ll know whether she has interest in continuing this friendship if she reaches out to you. If three months go by and you haven’t heard from her, I’d assume the friendship is done. I don’t think if you asked her what was going on that you would get an honest answer, particularly if she really is trying to do a slow fade; she’ll just give you excuses. The best way to know whether she wants a friendship with you at this point is to let her show you. If she doesn’t, then that’s your answer.

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