Friend ditched us at a Halloween party to hook up with abusive ex
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Sorry this is so long, but I would really appreciate some insight on this situation, thanks so much in advance. My friend, let’s call her Jenni(19F) and I (19F) have been friends since elementary school. We have always been very close and I love her dearly. She started dating around 15, and ever since then it’s been nonstop drama and bullshit. She always ends up dating/hooking up with assholes who treat her like shit. She complains about it and vents to me about it, which I don’t mind at all, if it weren’t for the fact that she always gets back with them somehow, or still talks to them, as much as I advise her against it. She knows she shouldn’t, but she’s like obsessed with male validation or something. She always has to have a guy in her life, it’s like she can’t function without it. This recent fling she had, she stopped talking to the guy because he cheated on her. Literally the day after she went to hang out with some random dude “because she was bored.” She also went to hang out with one of the dudes friends while she was mad at him too, she convinced herself she linked with him “because he seemed chill.” Like girl no you fucking didn’t you linked with him because you’re petty as fuck, but whatever. Anyways, she has this ex she was with for like 2-3 years. She was 16 he was 20 when they started dating. She says that was her first serious relationship. He is probably the most grimiest nastiest piece of shit she’s dated. His parents are abusive as fuck so my friend let him stay at her grandmas with her for a bit, they had their own room. He would tell her to go sleep on the couch so he could have the bed. He would accuse her of cheating with no evidence whatsoever, he threw her phone once and shattered it because he was mad, he stole her moms AirPods just because, one time he started punching a concrete wall in front of her to the point he bled. I don’t think he was ever physically abusive but he was mentally and emotionally for sure, and she herself recognizes the fact and says how much he traumatized her. Well, me her and another close friend, let’s call her Sam (17F) went to a Halloween party the other day, since Jenni was the one who invited us since she didn’t want to go alone. Me and Sam live in the same neighborhood, Jenni lives 20 miles away, a 2 hour bus ride. Sam’s mom didn’t want us taking the bus so late, so she drove us to Jenni’s house, a 40 minute drive, and gas isn’t cheap these days. We got to her house and from there us 3 went to the party. We were there drinking and just having fun, Sam had taken some Molly for the first time and was also drunk. Her abusive ex was also there, and kept harassing her throughout the night, grabbing her and pulling her away from us. We would defend her and shove him away, telling him to fuck off. He was disrespectful to us as well, telling us to leave, that no one invited us. And as much as we defended her against him, she never once stood up for us. Whatever, she’s drunk. So a while later my friend Sam started feeling sick, throwing up, and she was freezing to the touch, she couldn’t even walk straight. I stayed with her to take care of her, I was very very drunk but still very much aware of what I was doing. We had told Jenni that it was time to go, it was 4am and we were tired and hungry as fuck. She kept saying no, the party just started. Somehow she left us without us noticing, so we just went inside because I was worried for Sam, and sat on the couch. I was literally bear hugging Sam and rubbing her arms because she was FREEZING. I called Jenni 50 times non stop, and she kept ignoring my calls. She answered 2 times and said she was coming inside so we could leave, so we waited about an HOUR for her, but she never came inside. I had to pee so I went to the bathroom, and from the bathroom I could hear that by the room right next to it, some guys were outside the door banging on it, shouting Jenni’s exs name asking him who’s in there with him. I immediately went up to them and asked who’s there with him, they were being extremely rude, saying it’s not my friend, even though I hadn’t even told them who my friend was. I was extremely drunk at this point and while I am a responsible drunk, I also get very pissed off when my buttons are pushed. So I took off my heel and started pounding on that fucking door with it like I was a SWAT team. At that point some guys saw I was not fucking around and started taking me seriously, and unlocked the door for me to see if my friend was there, and low and behold she was, fucking her abusive ex, while we’re waiting for her to go home TO HER HOUSE like her little dumbasses. I was furious and screamed “We’re leaving without you you fucking dumbass stupid ass bitch” and went back to Sam and told her what happened so we could leave. A friend of Sams ended up driving us to Jenni’s house since our house was way too far, and we got food on the way. We went back to Jenni’s house and slept there for the night, and Jenni never came home. I checked her location in the morning and saw she had stayed all night at the party and went to her other friends house after. I saw she had called me and Sam while we were sleeping, so Sam called her back. Jenni started playing innocent and asked what happened, that she didn’t remember. I started going off on her, telling her to stop acting dumb, she fucked her nasty ass ran through ass busted ass ex, after Sam and I made a fool of ourselves defending her against him, she had us waiting for her so we could leave, had us worried that maybe in her drunkenness something had happened to her, and couldn’t even give us the courtesy of letting us know she had no intention of leaving since she decided her low ass self esteem was more important. She started making jokes saying she was still partying and she didn’t care, being obnoxious as fuck. She always does that when she knows she fucked up, doesn’t apologize and just makes jokes to get the other person mad. I told her to suck my dick and hung up on her mid sentence. Sam called her mom to pick us up, and when her mom was outside waiting for us to come out, Jenni showed up at the same time with her other friend. Sams mom saw and asked her how is it that both these girls are here by themselves, and you, who actually lives here, are with someone else? Jenni lied and told her she got us an Uber to her house and she stayed behind, when in reality she didn’t help us get home in any way whatsoever. Sam talked to her for a bit, but i completely ignored her and she ignored me. When we got in the car Sams mom said she knew she was lying and asked us what happened. Sam told her everything and her mom was PISSED. She ended up calling Jennis mom and told her everything, and told her to talk to Jenni, because it’s fucked up that we went out of our way to go to her house far as fuck after SHE was the one who invited us, just for her to ditch us for her ex. After we got home, Jenni called Sam and asked her if she had her wallet, which she did, and told Sam she could take 25 in cash to buy weed, which she did, cuz fuck her. It’s like Jenni thought that was a good enough apology or something, she didn’t even actually apologize. I’m still pissed off and don’t want to talk to her or hang with her until she gives us both a genuine apology. I also feel so sad because I love Jenni with all my heart despite her mistakes, I care for her and Sam like a sister, to the point where I’m scared if Jenni were to call me to hang even without apologizing, i would just accept it in order to put this behind us. I don’t want to stop being her friend because I care for her so much, but the way she has been treating us is not okay. I just want an apology. I feel a little guilty for going off on her like that and for going crazy at the party, but I’m also hurt. What should I do from this point on?
Wall of text – didn’t read the whole thing. What do you do? If she’s physically unsafe, you drag her away. If she’s emotionally unsafe, you recommend therapy because she’s repeating the same mistake thinking this time it’ll be different.
If you are sick of her shit, assume she’ll always put you second to male validation. Tell her that you’re going to keep her at arms length because you can’t watch her downward spiral and you’re absolutely not putting yourself in precarious situations anymore.
It’s a trite but apt saying “Don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.”
I’m gonna skim right over the shit show drama because girl that’s too much. Your friend dynamic won’t be solved by anything short of therapy for your friend and the realization on your part that sometimes no matter how much you care about someone you can’t change them and you need to back away from the situation.
What I do want to address is Sam’s Molly use and the fact that she was freezing. Sam was freezing because Molly interferes with the body’s ability to regulate temperature and causes HYPERthermia. Hyperthermia leads to organ failure and damage. The next time you’re with someone who’s rollin’ and they tell you that they feel really hot or really cold take them to the hospital immediately. When someone on Molly says that they are freezing it’s because their body is too hot and that makes the air around them feel cold. They need to be cooled off right away and they need to get emergency medical treatment. DON’T try to warm them up. They need to be cooled down to drop their temperature. I know it seems counter-intuitive to make someone who says they’re cold colder but that’s what you need to do.
I’m not supporting the use of Molly/Ecstasy, I’m saying know the potential side effects and how to protect yourself and your friends if you’re going to do it.
Well. Yikes! That is a lot of drama.
I guess I feel like your friend is allowed to make her own choices, even if they are poor ones. Sometimes friendships run their course or we’ll go through seasons of life where our oldest friends are not our closest friends because we’re in different stages of life. You can and probably should distance yourself. You can even do so without ending the friendship entirely.
Problematic as her behavior may be, your letter’s tone was pretty nasty IMO. You don’t seem to like Jenni at all. You think she’s petty and brings too much drama and bullshit into your life, but continue to party with her likely knowing how nights are going to end. If you’ve ever addressed her behavior/how it affects you with the love you claim to have for her, you don’t mention it. You only mention your verbal assaults. You’re actively playing a role in this terrible friend dynamic that you claim to despise.
I hope the person who drove you back to Jenni’s house was sober.
I have had the same conversation with her for years about her boy drama. I have made my feelings very clear, but she chooses to ignore what me and others have to say. She has admitted she knows what she’s doing isn’t okay. And no i didn’t know she would end up with her ex because I never party with her like that. I don’t ever go to parties, that was actually the first house party I ever went to, and only because she invited me and it was Halloween. This was the first time this has happened in my presence, and will be the last. She has only ever mentioned boy drama when hanging out casually, I have never witnessed it first hand. And no I don’t not like her, when I wrote this I was still very angry and get pretty hostile towards anyone when I’m at my limit. I probably need to work on that. Thanks for the response
Sorry for the wall of text, I tend to over explain things. I have mentioned therapy to her in the past, but she dismisses it saying it’s not going to help her. You’re right I think the only other option is to distance myself, as much as it saddens me. She’s like a sister to me but I can’t keep up this drama, and it would be equally as bad on my part to continue to enable her behavior. Thank you for your response
To Part-Time Lurker, sorry for the wall of text i over explain things a lot, probably should’ve shortened it my bad. Thank you for the info on the Molly im not familiar with any drugs besides weed I had no idea that was even a thing with Molly. That’s so scary looking back I’m glad that’s as far as it went. I will keep that info in mind for the future in case god forbid something were to happen. Thanks for your response
Sorry if my responses are weird I’m not familiar with how this site works, not too sure how to directly respond to specific replies.
@Angie – just put the “@” sign in front of someone’s user name to highlight that it’s a response.
I’ve been your crap friend. Hopelessly, pathetically in love with a manchild who treated me like literal shit.
You can say whatever you want, but people make their own choices. She chooses to spend time with him and ditch your friend group on Halloween. That on the surface may seem a really shitty thing for her to do, but think of how low her self esteem must be if this is how she chooses to live her life on one of the best holidays. She chooses feeling shitty, the comfort of that rather than the fun of being with you guys.
Try to support her if you still care. Tell her you’re tired of seeing her feelings hurt, etc. if you cannot muster that, tell her that you don’t want to talk about that piece of crap and keep changing the subject.
You can be angry and feel mad at her, but I promise you she already feels worse about herself than you can make her feel. Maybe meet her with kindness and say something like:
“Jenna, it’s really hard for me to watch you go to to Bobby over and over when you’re a literal angel and he’s a creepy pedo man who dated you at 15 when he was twenty. I wish you cared as much about yourself as I care about you.”
Some people learn best by learning the hard way. Some people have to get to the lowest before they started climbing up.
Angie —
Since you say that Jenni has behaved like this for the past 4 years, why would you have expected anything different? You seem to enjoy being a spectator/participant in her drama. Why would you depend upon her for transportation at a party where you and your 17-year old friend got drunk/high? That wasn’t wise.
