Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Friend is being distant

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  • #846059 Reply

    I’ve known her since we were 6, we’ve been together all our lives and she means the world to me. However recently things have changed.

    She moved into her own flat and suddenly stopped talking to me as often as she used to (which was… Everyday). I was like ‘ok no problem she’s going through a lot’ but months passed and communication was still sparse.

    We met up once and twice and things felt like normal but I kept feeling like she wanted me to leave. When I told her my train was at 9 she seemed annoyed and said that was too late. (Wasn’t a work day next day, this was my birthday weekend, and this is someone I used to stay up to 3 am with regularly)

    Then on my actual birthday she didn’t message me. Not even an impersonal ‘happy birthday’ or anything and when I asked if she was ok cause I didn’t get a message she got mad at me for expecting one when she spent all day with me the day before and I ended up apologising.

    Then when I asked if something was wrong she ended up being dramatic and saying ‘can you even say you know me anymore?’ .. well you’re the one not talking to me… she didn’t even give any reasons. Not something I had done or something that’d happened, just treating me like a pest. We ended up talking casually after that for the first time in ages and it felt normal again.

    Currently it’s been a month since I’ve spoken to her. I sent her messages, casual things that you can answer without having to think of too much so it’s not a loaded statement, but nothing. Not a peep.

    I’m confused and genuinely heartbroken. She means the world to me and has helped me through so much and supported me when I felt the pressure of the world on me and now she’s just gone from my life.

    We used to be so in sync and talked every day no matter how busy and now I have no idea why she doesn’t want anything to do with me. I don’t know what I’ve done but good luck getting an answer from her.

    Should I keep trying? She’s my best friend, or at least used to be. I feel like I shouldn’t just give up but if she just wants to ignore me and pretend I don’t exist then should I just let her?

    #846062 Reply

    That really sucks. I wonder if she’s going through some form of identity exploration that she doesn’t feel comfortable sharing with you. That can happen as we develop – it’s hard to be the “new you” around family and old friends.

    It seems worth one more cards-on-the-table kind of talk. Or email. Something like – “I miss my friend! If I did something to contribute to us not speaking as much, I’m so sorry and I want to know about it. If you just need space, that’s fine too, but know that I’ll be ready to open up communication again whenever you are. If you need anything, I’m here for you.”

    The only thing it sounds like you did wrong here is the birthday followup. You’d just seen her – she didn’t owe you another message. Why do we see so many people on these forums hung up about their birthdays? Anyway, I’m sorry this is happening and best of luck!

    #846074 Reply

    People sometimes just grow apart. I’d be curious to know how old you both are. Things change a lot between when you’re 6, throughout your childhood, and into adulthood.

    I think that trying what you’ve been doing would not make any sense. If someone doesn’t seem to want to talk to you and ignores your messages, I don’t think it’s a great idea to send more (unless it’s someone you know is going through a rough time).

    I think you can send her a more substantial message and say you’ve noticed that you two have grown apart and ask how she feels about that. But without a change in her behavior, I’d say to just let it go.

    Not every friendship lasts forever, and sometimes when we try to force them to, we end up ruining the memory of it.

    #846130 Reply

    Why don’t you just talk it out with her over a cup of coffee,? tell her how things have changed and how you truly feel inside and about the friendship. Friends come and go though out life, a real friendship will always continue where it left off last regardless of how much time went by when you last spoke, texted, hung out with each other.

    People are not mind readers, just speak your mind out and ask for the same in return.

    #846131 Reply

    What did you mean when you wrote she’s going through a lot?

    I don’t think you should keep messaging her, or use email or write her a letter or anything. She knows you want contact, and she’s not responding to you. Its not a hint, she’s sending a message and you need to respect that. It’s time to back off for awhile. Wait 30 days or something longer like that and send one more message, “Hey, I’m always here if you need me,” or “I miss you, can we get coffee soon?”

    And then let it go. Maybe she’s going through something. Maybe she’s grown apart from you. Maybe she’s offended by something. You don’t know, and you aren’t going to unless she decides to reach out. Not everything is knowable. Everyone has their own perspective and inner feelings. The respectful thing to do is allow her the space she’s taking and hope she gets in contact with you. Maybe she will, but she might not. Prepare yourself for that.

    Try to stay busy and distract yourself with things that make you feel good. Reach out to other friends. Start a new hobby or activity. Good luck.

    #846141 Reply

    I think you should write her a letter. Ink on paper. Explain that you’ve noticed things are different and although you’ve known her for years, you still haven’t mastered ESP. Tell her that you’d like to save the relationship so if there is anything that you can do, you’d like her to tell you. If there is nothing you can do, it would be a kindness for her to tell you.

    As for why: Who knows? Maybe you’re exhausting. Maybe you’re negative. Maybe you just know too much about her and she wants to start fresh. Her reasons are her reasons.

    It sucks to be the friend dropped but it happens.

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