Friend is dating someone REALLY old

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  • Kelly
    December 17, 2018 at 10:08 pm #812306

    Hey everyone,

    To start, I have a group of girlfriends and we are all 19-20. They are all great girls who are thoughtful, responsible and value schoolwork.

    However, I am worried about my one friend. She is 19, and she started seeing this guy she met off tinder. On tinder, it said his age was 24. After going out with him a couple of times, he revealed that he is actually 29. He said that if this makes her uncomfortable, they don’t have to continue seeing each other. She said that while it doesn’t bother her, she asked him why he a) lied about his age and b) why he’s dating girls so much younger than him. He said that he made his tinder account one drunken night with his buddies, and that most men date younger girls anyway. He also mentioned that many women his age have kids, and he is not ready to be a stepfather.

    Apparently this guy is not a loser type. He graduated from a very respectable business school, works for a prestigious company and is well travelled. My friend says they get along really well. However, I feel like something is fishy. His story seems like bull. Is something up or am I being overly judgmental?

    December 17, 2018 at 10:43 pm #812307

    When you said REALLY old, I thought you were gonna say the guy was 72. Sorry, I can’t help but chuckle at the thought of 29 being REALLY old.

    A 10-year age difference is more than the average age difference in relationships, but you seem to think it’s scandalous or dangerous, and it’s not. At all.

    Once you get into adulthood, compatibility doesn’t have so much to do with age. If they care about each other, work well together as a couple, respect each other, and make each other happy, who cares?

    It’s fine. And it’s her business.

    December 17, 2018 at 11:11 pm #812310

    Right, but I don’t understand why he felt the need to lie about his age. If he were honest from the beginning, I think it would be different. However, he hasn’t been. Don’t you think that seems a little off? I am trying to look out for someone I care about.

    December 18, 2018 at 12:01 am #812311

    Hes right that many women his age might have kids and being 29 sorta limits his options if he is not wanting to be a step parent. There is nothing abnormal about a 29yr old dating a 19yr old. They are both consenting adults and if she wants to look past a 10yr age gap then thats her business. The only problem I see is the maturity levels that each will have to deal with. Especially with busy body friends who think something scandalous might be going on. Come on, a 10 yr age gap is not REALLY OLD …. no were near old. I’m 31 so what am I the grim reaper?

    December 18, 2018 at 12:07 am #812312

    We all want to look out for our friends, but this really isn’t your business. She’s an adult. She’s made a decision to date this guy. If it’s not working, she’ll stop dating him and start dating someone else.

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    December 18, 2018 at 12:34 am #812314

    I think it’s a red flag for a 29-year-old to date a 19-year-old. Your friend may be a consenting adult, but at 19-20, a 10-year age difference IS significant. The maturity and “life stage” gaps between most 19-year-olds and 29-year-olds are is HUGE. The older you get, the less it matters. I also think it’s weird that he shaved so many years off his age and didn’t disclose it before meeting or on the first date.

    I doubt he’s looking for anything serious with your friend, though that doesn’t necessarily make him ill-intentioned. I agree that it’s none of your business. She’s okay with his explanations, so who are you to tell her otherwise?

    December 18, 2018 at 12:49 am #812316

    Oh man, if you think 29 is REALLY old, buckle up.

    Anyways, a ten year old he gap is kind of a red flag. A lot happens in your 20s, and while for some couples it’s totally fine, for many others somebody is a creep. And lying about your age, also kind of a red flag.

    That said, she is a grown-up (barely). You have expressed your concerns*, she still wants to do what she wants to do. There’s not really anything more you can do. She gets to make her own choices whether they’re dumb or not. She knows what you think, no need to beat her over the head with it.

    *You have something right? I think – baring something major like abuse – we get one opportunity (and responsibility) as friends to express our misgivings, then we have to shut it and respect their right to make their own choices.

    December 18, 2018 at 3:41 am #812319

    I agree there is nothing you can do – or should do. Your friend gets to make her own choices and mistakes – that’s just life. But I will say, I agree his lying is a red flag, and that seeing red flags makes one worry about one’s friends who are missing them/ignoring them. He lied about his age and he’s lying about his reason for dating younger women, and not even with a smart lie really – it could perhaps reasonably be why he might extend his dating range age, but it’s not a reason why he dates only younger women (if this is what he does – I read it that way based on his lie and his comment that men usually date younger women anyway, but obviously there is limited second/third hand info in the letter).

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    December 18, 2018 at 5:54 am #812333

    I strongly disagree with Poppy and Essie. Dating down to 19 at 29 and using deception to do it is a huge red flag. He’s on the edge of 30, she’s a year out of high school and you think that’s normal? TF? Normal for scum bags maybe. OP I would express concern once and only once–something along the lines of ‘his excuses for lying seem fishy and overly convenient’ and leave it. She’s going to have to figure it out.

    December 18, 2018 at 8:26 am #812340

    I agree that a ten year age gap at 19, and the not disclosing his age for multiple dates are both big red flags. And let’s be real, most 29 year old women right now do not have children. He’s creepy. Any way you twist it. But, if you keep pressing this with her and she’s doesnt want to hear it, you risk alienating her.
    Maybe approach her one more time, from a place of concern and care and then drop it. Sometimes people need to make their own mistakes, as painful as it can be to watch.

    If his story seems like bull, google him.

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    December 18, 2018 at 9:18 am #812354

    A 10-year gap is nothing later in life, but there is a vast difference in maturity and what life stages you’re in at 19 and 29. My husband and I are 32 and have a few single male friends in their late twenties/early thirties in our friend groups who exclusively date women in their late teens/early twenties.

    From conversations with these guys and observing their interactions with women over the years, I’ve realized they date younger because:
    1. Many women their age want committed relationships and see marriage and children as near-future goals, and they’re not ready to settle down. Usually they don’t want anything serious, just to sleep with as many women as possible.
    2. Women their age have already dated some losers and have a low tolerance for shitty behaviour like cheating, lying, gaslighting, being selfish in bed, etc. Young, naive women who haven’t experienced a bad relationship yet are more likely to put up with their B.S.
    3. They’re the kind of men who think younger = hotter and crack jokes about their friends needing to “trade in for a younger model” when their wives/gfs hit 30.
    4. A combination of any/all of the above.

    None of these guys have ever needed to lie about their age, though, because the young women they date always seem to be flattered that an older man is into them. They see his established career, his nice car and the apartment/house he owns and think they’ve got a catch. They never ask themselves why he can’t get a woman his own age.

    This guy lying about his age makes me wonder if he’s actually older than 29 and just thought a 10-year gap might be the max she’s comfortable with. I’d bring up your concerns with your friend – especially about the lying, that’s a red flag and a sign he’s untrustworthy – then drop it. If he’s anything like the guys I know, he’ll be ghosting her soon enough, when he gets bored and starts screwing someone else. Sure, he might be a great guy who really cares about her, but the fact that he hid his age while swiping on her, knowing she was 19, tells me he’s probably just another creep.

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    December 18, 2018 at 9:32 am #812355

    I mean, 29 is not REALLY old lol. Please save this for posterity and reread it when YOU turn 29 so you can roll your eyes at yourself.

    That said, I agree with everyone that the maturity gap between 19 and 29 is significant. The fact that he lied about his age raises my eyebrows as well. At best (and going off some conjecture based on your other letter), you live in a more conservative area where people marry and have children earlier in life, and he’s just not ready for that, so dating a younger woman would make sense- and a younger woman might not even entertain him if he were upfront about his age. That’s the most generous reading of this situation. At worst, he’s a man-child who can’t date women his own age (I have a friend-of-a-friend like this; he’s in his 50s now and he’s puzzled about why he’s single… oy).

    But either way, Kelly/Daisy, I don’t think this is any of your business. Your friend is entitled to make her own choices, and provided he’s not abusing her in any way, you should stay out of it.

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Friend is dating someone REALLY old

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