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Dear Wendy

Friend made offensive joke, other friend snapped, things only got worse.

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice Friend made offensive joke, other friend snapped, things only got worse.

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  • #1093660 Reply

    Im gonna make a code to simplify things;

    Friend A; the one who snapped

    Friend B; the one who made offensive joke

    Okay, so, let’s begin; Midnight last night, one of my friends was talking about the trip they’re on and they talk about how they saw a buffalo chasing a bear cub. B made a joke, “haha what if the buffalo was s3Xually h@rr@ss1ng the bear cub.” or something like that. A told B they were being really offensive, and B didn’t seem to get how the joke was offensive. Around 9 minutes later (nobody really said anyhting else except for B’s lover saying “didnt wanna see that lol”) A started getting mad about how nobody adressed what B said. Nobody was on the chat at the moment, and since Nora adresses it nobody felt the need to say anything is what I think. Then B still didn’t get it, so A started going all-capitals, or yelling. B didn’t really get a chance to fully apologize since A just kept going and wouldn’t stop. (P.S., this anger was justified still because B was being offensive, but you need two people to have a proper argument.) B told A they were doing this for attention, since A does this every time someone says something slightly offensive. A has a history of getting really heated up during all this, and I’m no peach and also have an issue with going off long tangents and not letting others talk. Happens to everybody sometimes. A has depression and anxiety, so this pissed them off more. A LOT more. They kept yelling, and went off about how B was just like another guy (who’s been kicked out) who would constantly say offensive things close to daily and would never back down, along with an abusive group of friends they had a couple years back. Now, I forgot to say this, but B had apologized before he said A was attention seeking and after (not for calling A attention seeking).
    A then left the group chat, then another friend (let’s call them C) who is dating B got really upset and started crying because this happened with the other offensive guy I mentioned earlier, and other times with other people who said something kind of offensive or got mad at A: once A got mad at me because I called them unreasonable due to them arguing when no arguing was really needed and during a relatively peaceful conversation over discrimination in general (like how there’s a big and kiddie pool, how that’s also discrimination) and over how it comes in different forms. Usually in arguments, A is the one in the middle of the stage. And C had friendship problems before, causing them to get upset over B, who theyre dating, and A arguing. After this, another friend (friend D) came in, and D got upset two and went like “who’s going to fix all this?”. I usually fix the problems in the group. I resolve arguments most of the time. So, I just said my opinion on how I appreciated B apologizing, and that while A’s anger was justified, it wasn’t handled correctly. Then, another friend (friend E, gosh so many people) came in and told off B for being offensive, then when I said I didn’t know what to do about this they said “well im texting B, im pissed”. After I decided to text B too. I told them they were being offensive and should apologize. Then I asked them if they even knew why the joke was offensive. Guess what? They didn’t. They didn’t even know they were being offensive in the first place, and I don’t know how to even feel about that! After this, D texts in the chat that A said they were done with us. That if we were going to try and justify what B did, don’t expect them to go out anymore with us, and not to expect them being buddy-buddy at school. 1. When did we ever try to justify what B did!? 2. This has also happened before, and honestly I saw it coming.
    B then officially apologized, saying they didn’t know what they said was wrong and that they sincerely are sorry for what they said.
    They then asked what else they should do, I said apologize to A personally for calling them attention seeking and what they said, turns out A blocked them on all social media.

    I dont think A gets that when they have a huge argument in the group chat, it effects everyone, and that them leaving also effects everyone. I just don’t know what to do about it all, this happens with only a month-or-so in between time-wise often with A. And A is always in the middle of every argument or big blow-up, every time. It just feels like all of the disagreements or worry in the group revolve around them. In this entire group of around 12 decently tight knit people, we’ve only had one or two arguments or freak outs not revolving around A, and all of us have been friends for years!

    Nobody has to respond to this, it just felt good to talk about it.

    #1093661 Reply

    I totally skipped over the second half because oh my lord. How is a lame joke about a buffalo harassing a bear cub so offensive it requires that much angst?! It was dumb but didn’t require pages of anger from that one self righteous person. I think A is the one who needs to be pulled into line, they’re the one flying off the handle with little provocation and causing all this drama which for some inexplicable reason you’re all buying into.

    I’m a very left leaning person but as you get older I hope you’ll realise this level of language policing is counter productive to whatever you might be trying to achieve. There are levels of grey in the world and next time you can maybe just tell them it was a dumb joke and save your ire for the real problems.

    #1093662 Reply

    Agree with Ange-100%.

    #1093673 Reply

    Ange, I think the reason we all fell for the drama is because A is very close to the group in general (like all of us) and they’re also mentally ill so everybody tries to cater to them and not make them upset. But honestly? I agree with you. I think i’m just now starting to realize the extent of how silly it was to cause all this over such a simple thing! B deserved a slap on the wrist, not an essay and blow up! I get mental illnes effects what you do and say, and can make you do screwed up things while skewing your perspective, but A does this often and im sick of resolving every argument they cause. I feel like an emotional janitor. Thanks for saying that, I think it really made me realise how stupid this all is.

    #1093680 Reply

    I couldn’t read the whole thing either but omg. I’m also extremely left-leaning and ALSO have had to go through the whole process of being sexually harassed, reporting it, getting it resolved, etc. I’ve taken those trainings. And that “joke” or dumb lame comment or whatever, I don’t see how it’s offensive. Can you explain to ME why it’s offensive? Since B didn’t seem to get it?

    Everyone on the chat except B sounds like they love drama and need more to do. As for advice, I mean, next time A starts up, leave the group chat. Just leave every time that happens.

    #1093686 Reply

    I actually did read the whole thing. I can’t believe I did. But I did.

    1. I don’t see how that joke is offensive enough for A to get that upset. Then when nobody else addressed it, including B, started yelling until people bowed down? Just, no. There was no need.

    2. Just because someone suffers from anxiety and mental illness does not give them license to treat others poorly or berate them for non issues.

    3. How is a big pool and kiddie pool discrimination? Liability issues are probably my involved. You all are looking for ways to get offended.

    4. What @kate said about leaving the chat. People need to stop engaging with this nonsense.


    #1093689 Reply

    Couldn’t read the saga either, but of the pieces I could put together:

    A’s mental health issues are for A to deal with. Stop walking on eggshells. A is responsible for A.

    A needs to learn how to raise an objection and move on. It does not require a drag out fight. Raising an objection does not mean the “offender” is required to prostrate themselves and beg for mercy. It’s aimed at pointing out something questionable and letting the “offender” think about it.

    It is absolutely possible to be too sensitive and make it impossible for everyone. If you say something stupid and someone says “dude, no” you’ll know that’s a boundary but you can remain friends. A is trying to take some sort of ridiculous moral high ground and it gets pretty fucking lonely on the pedestal you put yourself on. Tell A to back off and calm the fuck down.

    #1093692 Reply

    The group pushing B to apologize to A is nonsense. If you continue to allow A to set the tone for the group, then they eventually will destroy your group. A is toxic. She does this every month. YOU and the others who’ve pushed B to apologize to A, really owe B an apology. Think about this: you are all training A to believe that her behavior is ok, in fact, you’ve led A and the rest of the group to believe that her extreme viewpoint is shared by you and that she has a right to explode every month. How else could she interpret your actions? You don’t help a mentally ill person by reinforcing their actions when they are totally out of control for no good reason. What you should do is support the group member A is attacking. You don’t say B is continually involved in these incidents, so apparently a lot of other group members have been the target of A’s wrath for no good reason.

    #1093694 Reply

    I’m also pretty Lefty, but the idea that you all think that the presence of a kiddie pool indicates discrimination makes me think that the tone/word policing of your group must be totally out of control. It’s not discrimination, it’s accommodation! That’s like saying that having ramps for wheelchair accessibility is discriminatory because we shouldn’t be acting like people in wheelchairs can’t walk up stairs. Give me a fucking break. You all need to take it down about a thousand notches. The only offensive thing about the “joke” was that it was offensively un-funny.

    #1093750 Reply

    Oh dear I just read the bit about the kiddie pool. As someone who has actually worked with people with disabilities that’s so far from discrimination they’d likely get mad at you for suggesting it was. I think you’re trying to have the right idea but maybe get your information about this sort of thing from better sources than Tumblr style dramatists.

    #1093761 Reply

    Oh, my goodness. Guess what, being mentally ill (or neurodivergent) is not an excuse to be a jerk.

    That joke was stupid and not very funny, but I honestly can’t see it being offensive.

    Next time this happens, disengage.

    #1094110 Reply

    Okay, so after looking at all of the advice; I’m going to apologize to B for telling him to apologize. I was panicking about A leaving and that made me irrational, so I just kinda went on without thinking.
    After a few days and asking my mom about what to do, I’ve realized just how much we let A get away with being an irrational jerk just because they had issues and that we definitely engaged them and that was ridiculous.

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