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Friend Phase-Out

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This topic contains 27 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by avatar bondgirl 5 months ago.

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  • #742893 Reply
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    bondgirl

    So I have another wedding etiquette related question, though I’d like to phrase it as more like a “what would you do if you were me” response wanted.

    I was very close friends with this girl a couple years back before she moved out of state. During that time I’d let her crash at my place, have girls nights out, etc. However, over the years, I’ve realized how bossy, rude, and entitled she acts by nature. We did a girls trip together a few years back and she literally had her head buried in her phone the entire time unless she tried making me buy something for her. After that trip I purposely kept my distance (easy to do several states apart) and have only seen her like once a year, twice absolute max. And usually by her insistence of, “I’m in town let’s hang out!” though the last two “invites” I managed to dodge. I have MANY other examples of her bossy entitled behavior but I don’t think it’s necessary to share atm.

    Even with my best attempts at phasing her out, she still thinks we’re the best of friends. In fact during one of these very rare meetups (at a friend’s wedding) when mutual friends at our table talked about my future wedding day, she literally turns and says to me, “Oh I BETTER be one of your bridesmaids!” Yeah….I didn’t appreciate being told that. She also included herself as another friend’s bridesmaid despite never being asked and without congratulating the bride to be….

    Not only is she absolutely NOT a bridesmaid under any conditions, but I don’t want her at my wedding. We have a lot of family to invite and a bunch of friends/new acquaintances that we absolutely want to invite. I’ve been very careful to not post anything about the wedding or plans on social media accounts and so far she hasn’t asked any specific details….but I know I’ll need to keep it very vague when it inevitably comes up.

    Pretty sure once she’s figures out she’s not invited, it’s gonna start a massive drama fest and, understandably, a bridge forever burned. But I want to phase out this friendship so that’s totally fine by me.

    So basically my question is, have any of you had a situation like this when planning your wedding and how did you handle it? If not, what would you do? I’m fully prepared to give the generic “I’m sorry but we had a limited number of invites” as my go-to response if down the line she asks why she’s not invited/if she’s invited.

    thanks in advance.

    @spaceysteph, is this a harder question for you? 😉

    #742894 Reply
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    SpaceySteph
    Participant

    Hah! Yes! Unfortunately I am just finishing up with my break when I saw it so I gotta go do work now, but I’ll be back!

    #742904 Reply
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    K4

    Honestly, I think you should just rip this off like a band-aid. All you are doing is leaving it open for more festering drama by lying if she finds out about other bridesmaids, wedding size, etc. Also, ghosting is just more painful and doesnt give a person closure.

    I would handle it by calling her (emailing her if you cant call) to let her know that while I cherish the friendship that we had long ago, we have slowly been growing apart and not just distance wise. I would let her know that I had 2/3 whatever spots for bridesmaids and I had filled them with friends that I know really well and are active in my life on the daily. I would tell her that if she still wants to meet up when she comes to town I would make time for her. She probably will not hit you up when she comes to town after that. she will probably get it. If she didnt and hit me up, I would have something else planned that day, regretfully. By that time she should get it. Good luck.

    #742905 Reply
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    K4

    It is going to be hard but be an adult about it. I wouldnt bring up her shortcomings though.

    #742919 Reply
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    bondgirl

    K4 those are some valid points and I appreciate the feedback, thank you! I do have to admit though the temptation to point out shortcomings is VERY strong, but I’m also aware that it won’t do any bit of good. Glad you brought up that point regardless.

    I’m not getting married until early next year so I think I have some time to before having to tell her. But the way you phrase it definitely breaks that news more gently and will definitely keep that in mind.

    #742952 Reply
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    SpaceySteph
    Participant

    So here’s my somewhat related take on this: there will be people at your wedding that when you look back 5 years, 10 years, 20 years, etc. you will realize the last time you saw them was at your wedding because after that you guys didn’t keep up the friendship. We all have them and a lot of times they are a suprise, as in you didn’t know that the friendship was on its last legs.

    But then there are also people who, if you were really honest with yourself, you knew they weren’t going to be around for the long haul. And those are really the people who you will be kicking yourself for wasting an invite on when you could have invited someone you are still close with, or else saved money by inviting less people.

    All of that to say, you don’t like this girl, you don’t want to be her friend. Don’t do it to yourself. Don’t have her in the background of your wedding pictures so you can kick yourself when you look at them 20 years from now.

    Will there be drama? Yes, probably. But she lives out of town so you can control that drama pretty well. She’s not going to confront you in the bread aisle at the grocery store one random Thursday and make a scene. She’s going to call you and you don’t have to answer.

    Also if you have any mutual friends, it would be a good idea to lay some groundwork so that she doesn’t give them all an exaggerated version of the story that paints you like a bitch and her like the victim.

    #742957 Reply
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    JD

    I never will get peoples obsession with being in weddings when five mins later they complain about the cost, travel, gifts, parties, etc. I can think of few things I want to do less than stand in front of tons of people for an hour mass in a puffy pink dress.

    #742959 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    Be tactful but don’t lie because other friends can show pictures of your wedding and things like the size of the wedding and the number of bridesmaids will probably be obvious. You can say things like you chose to include the people you see the most frequently or that you needed to include your fiance’s sister (if he has one) and other things that aren’t blatant lies. You don’t want to create a situation where a mutual friend takes the brunt of ex friend’s anger because she unknowingly passed on news that didn’t fit what you were saying. Also think about what you will say if you are all at a mutual friend’s wedding. What can you say to her so that she isn’t causing a scene. Come up with things to say that won’t make future situations awkward for your other friends.

    #742960 Reply
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    K4

    I am going to be wishing you ALL THE LUCK! =)

    #742963 Reply
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    bondgirl

    @JD this girl is one of those kinds of people too, despite constantly complaining that she has no money. lol. I don’t understand it either. She’s also been quite preoccupied with getting wedding invites….even told me to tell a mutual friend to invite her to that wedding.

    #742966 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    She probably sees these invites as a measure of her popularity and she is pushing to be more popular.

    #742968 Reply
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    JD

    I always think one should be tactful but I don’t think you should stop living your life to save her. Just unfriend her and post away. I’d never not post my wedding stuff for fear of some mean girl finding out. Silly.

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