Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Friend Phase-Out

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This topic contains 27 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by avatar bondgirl 5 months ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 13 through 24 (of 28 total)
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  • #742986 Reply
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    Fyodor

    Do some sort of early bridesmaid gathering, post it on facebook and don’t invite her.

    Say something on facebook about how all the save the dates have gone out to invitees and people should let you know if they didn’t get one. When she contacts you, say, “no, no, I meant people INVITED to my wedding, not people WHO AREN’T INVITED, like you.”

    #742990 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    @Fyodor That is kind of deliciously mean. I always think of doing things like that but have never done them. People tell me I have an evil mind.

    #742995 Reply
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    Essie
    Participant

    I don’t know, I don’t like the idea of contacting someone to tell them they’re not going to be your bridesmaid. Especially someone with her personality.

    Since you’ve decided that you want to end the friendship anyway, I think your original impulse was the right one. Feel free to discuss your plans on social media, and if she contacts you and says something like “I thought I was going to be your bridesmaid!” or “Where’s my invitation!” just say “I’m sorry, but I’m only having a few attendants, and the number of guests we can invite is limited.” It’s cool, calm, and perfectly polite.

    #743014 Reply
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    Ange

    Yeah I can’t imagine INVITING that mess into your life by calling her and essentially telling her you hate her and never want to see her again. Don’t feed the drama llama.

    If you want minimal drama keep the public wedding talk/photos to a minimum and only address any problems with her if they arise. When I put up my wedding photos I limited the album to only be seen by people who were there, it kept things a lot more simple. Maybe do that or make a private group if you have information you need to disseminate without it being shared everywhere?

    #743022 Reply
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    Bondgirl

    Damn, Fyodor brings a level of savagery I can only dream of achieving. LOL. Tho I detect some snark in that response…

    #743026 Reply
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    Jazzy

    Oh my goodness. Someone going through a very similar situation. How do people not read social hues. I have been trying to phase out a friend who really uses me for things she can get through me and to have someone she can call a “best friend” it’s such a drag to my life. Her personality is too difficult to have any form of honest conversation and also, I think there is no way to really break up with a friend. It’s strange that you can break up relationships but with friends it seems so much more personal.

    She can be down right rude and just an obvious user but the reason I don’t call her up on anything is because I don’t wish to mend anything nor do I wish to just label her something that is rather negative. Its just become a situation that we have grown apart, more so I have grown away from her and me as a person I don’t like confrontation anyway so it’s a really hard situation I find myself in.

    I have taken on a similar approach as some people have mentioned. Essentially just living your life and doing you and if they approach you in a anyway then have a discussion. Although, I have a feeling this one is going to be around for a while which annoys me.

    Lets wish us all hope to the burdens of particular “friends”

    #743088 Reply
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    TheHizzy

    I’m going to encourage you to hop over here too:
    https://www.reddit.com/r/weddingplanning/

    Lots of women have been in your shoes. You can do a quick search.

    #743091 Reply
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    anonymousse
    Member

    I would not contact her at all. I would also not keep everything secret on social media, but I don’t know how much I’d be posting about it anyway…you could make a Facebook group for people involved/interested in your wedding details.
    She will undoubtedly find out, and maybe even call you. That is when you should tell her your bridal party is only close friends you interact with daily, and you are so sorry, but she didn’t make the guest list cut either.

    Do so calmly, as gracefully as possible.

    #743100 Reply
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    Fyodor

    I’d normally never talk that way to anyone, but I’ve never had anyone cluelessly assume a place in my life in the way you’ve described. I honestly don’t know how to handle it without being blunt.

    You might email her and just say that you’ve gone through the list of invitees and don’t think that you’ll be able to invite her and you wanted to let her know so that she didn’t plan around it. Don’t lie and say the wedding will be small, but don’t be mean or imply its her fault either. It may be nicer than letting her think that she’s coming (even if it’s solely due to her own cluelessness) and leaving her to figure it out at the last minute.

    True story: My good friend, his fiance, and I, had another friend who was kind of selfishly flakey and unreliable. We enjoyed his company and hung out with him a lot, but his behavior and last minute unapologetic cancellations got to wear more and more on them (I lived in a different city so I didn’t deal with it as much). After some debate, they sent him a save the date for their wedding. A few months later, at NYE, he pushed for a particular venue and then at the last minute made alternative plans. They decided after that not to invite him to the wedding and just never let him know.

    #743103 Reply
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    bondgirl

    @thehizzy thanks for the link! Started poking around there, and damn there are some CRAZY stories on there! Still trying to figure out how to best search on that reddit page to find exactly what I’m looking for though.

    @Jazzy I totally sympathize with you. It’s amazing how some people think nothing of imposing themselves on others….but then get pissed when they get excluded. You’re right, this type of breakup is even more intimate than a relationship split. But hey, if you notice someone is bringing too much negative energy into your life, then you do what you need to do to either reduce or eliminate it.

    #743112 Reply
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    MMR

    It sounds like this person is going to be unreasonable about this no matter what you do. I would frame my actions more around how they will affect mutual friends rather, because no matter what, they’re going to hear about this. You’re best strategy is to take the highroad, no matter how much she tries to drag you into an ugly, public brawl that consumes your wedding planning energy and starts to taint your experience.

    Since SHE brought it up already when she demanded to be a bridesmaid, I think you should contact her and – in a completely neutral, non-accusatory way – say that you know she was hoping to be part of your wedding day, but you’ve decided to go with some other friends/family for your bridal party. Assume that if you even hint at something negative about her actions or personality or the fact that she’s in anyway less than perfect that she will screenshot it and plaster it all over social media and try to rip you to shreds with it. I wouldn’t unfollow or unfriend her (because she could use that against you – SHE’S THE VICTIM), but mute her on your newsfeed and do not – DO NOT – under any circumstances respond to her accusations publicly. STAY NEUTRAL. HIGHROAD LIKE YOU’VE NEVER HIGHROADED BEFORE. If mutual friends ask, say something neutral and move on. Like:
    “It’s unfortunate that she’s so upset. Have I shown you the hairstyle I’m thinking of?”
    “I’m trying not to focus on her right now. What do you think of hydrangeas?”

    Also, congratulations and good luck!

    #743120 Reply
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    JD

    I don’t see why not unfriend her on FB. Who cares if she doesn’t like it or says you’re mean or whatever. Anyone who actually cares about FB is a child anyway. Let her kick and scream and act like a toddler, her issue.

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