February 11, 2021 at 10:39 am #1029211WhiteCactusParticipant
Also, another one took a video. I’m confused.
The event itself happened 3 years ago but untill some recent events I brushed it off and thought I’m just too sensitive. I recently talked to some people about it and they all thought this was wrong so I felt not-so-crazy for the first time. But I dediced to ask him about it, to see his persepctive and I feel I’m back to square one in terms of confusion.
So I was at a house party with my (guy and girl) friends (let’s call him Adam and Betty). For context, we’re in our 20s, known each other since high school and spent a lot of time together. I considered them quite close, especially Betty (I’m not friends with her anymore for unrelated reasons, but still in contact with Adam).
There were also a couple of his other friends I didn’t know would be invited. At one point I fell asleep on the couch because I was really tired that day (me and Betty meant to sleep over anyways).
The next morning it was just 3 of us and they showed me a video of him sitting next to me and pretending he’s kissing me etc. He didn’t actually touch me and only did it from afar. They found it funny for some reason, while I felt weirded out and kinda humiliated. Like, why didn’t they draw me a mustache or something instead…?
I made a mistake when I didn’t say it bothered me, I just said something like “wtf…ew” (but not laughing). At the time, I didn’t think me saying anything would change anything and that I’m just oversensitive. If I asked back then, then at least I’d see how they feel about it.
I also thought/think that since they’re my friends they didn’t mean it in a humiliating way and that they just didn’t really think much about it, that we’re just different. Also, I thought that if the situation was actually wrong, Betty would not find it funny and film it. She brought it up as a joke later (something like “ahaha remember the time when Adam “molested” you”), which I didn’t find funny, but I didn’t want to start a fight or seem crazy or accuse of of why was she filmimg it (I know it’s stupid I didn’t say anything, if she saw that I’m not okay with it she’d probably try to understand).
Also, Adam is known to borderline cross the line with others as well (Betty was often bothered by his behavior as well). We did let him know this in the past, but he didn’t really care and just said that we’re moody or something. He’s kinda flirtatious with his other friends, and some of them find it fun which is ok if is ok for both people involved. I’m just not one of these people since I have a fine line between friendships and romantic interests and have made myself clear.
Recently, he crossed a line with a mutual friend and he even wanted me to lie about it when my friend asked if I saw something. They started arguing and this friend went out. Adam even asked me why did I say I saw him do it. I expected he’d asked me how to make the situation better, not to accuse this friend for overreacting and me for not saving his ass. That was the moment that really got me thinking that he really doesn’t take other’s emotions into consideration.
I decided to ask him out of the blue about this old event, because I wanted to see his perspective (my friends could be biased since they only heard my side of the story). I asked him what exactly his thought process was, why would they film it and what made it so funny, where is the video and some other questions.
He said he doesn’t remember the video being made nor me seeing the video, that he probably just took a picture of us. He found the fact that I fell asleep funny, that he was high and said that it only lasted a second. He also said that at the time they found me, there was noone else but him and Betty, which is a relief. He also said that he didn’t and wouldn’t make fun of me or do me harm, that we made funny drunk videos in the past, that it was a joke.
I don’t remember him taking a picture with me on the video, so he either mixed up some details (which is pretty possible after 3 years) or it didn’t last ”only a second”.
He also said that he/they didn’t share it with anyone. But I do have a memory of him mentioning a month later that he showed it to his brother. So I asked him explicitly if he showed it to him and told me he didn’t, that he doesn’t share these kind of stuff with him. So I guess that was a lie or he forgot (I think both is equally possible). I don’t think asking him anymore questions would tell me anything more since it was a joke and he doesn’t remember the rest and I don’t really trust him anymore since he wanted me to lie.
But I’m now even more confused, I don’t feel like talking to him anymore but a part of me thinks it wrong. If that’s his perspective I can’t change it. I can’t accuse him of disrespecting me if he didn’t mean it that way. I don’t know how to feel and probably looked like some kind of interrogator so I don’t blame him for feeling weirded out.
I would feel bad to end this relationship because it feels like I’m overreacting, but I also don’t like the fact that he’s so insenstive, not onyl for me but also for others.
Any thoughts?February 11, 2021 at 12:28 pm #1029217KateKeymaster
Look, don’t expect a guy who does creepy shit to see it your way. Most of them won’t. And just because they don’t, doesn’t mean it’s not problematic. I guess Senator Al Franken, who did something similar, saw that it was wrong and actually resigned. But that’s a rare exception.
You can absolutely choose to not be friends with Adam anymore because he’s problematic. He doesn’t have to think he is. If YOU do, that’s all that matters.February 11, 2021 at 12:31 pm #1029218anonymousseParticipant
Why are you friends with people you don’t like all that much?
You were disrespected. That he says he didn’t mean it that way doesn’t mean 1)he’s being honest 2)that what he did wasn’t disrespectful. Most people, when confronted with their bad behavior, apologize to the friend they hurt or offended. It doesn’t sound like he did that.
You’re right that you can’t change anyone, or this jerk friend, but you can stop spending time with people who don’t respect you, lie and behave inappropriately. Maybe it’s time for some better friends.February 11, 2021 at 1:11 pm #1029219BittergaymarkGuest
Eh, I dunno. This screams college to me. Had there been camera phones in 1990 I am quite sure this would have happened to me. It’s really not much different than the magic marker on the forehead… Something that happened to damn most everyone I know.
Had he actually kissed you though. That would be a very different story.
Or if it happens again.
When I woke up with DRUNK! on my forehead freshman year it gave me real pause. Not about my friends though. But my drinking.February 11, 2021 at 1:14 pm #1029220LisforLeslieGuest
Your friends are kinda shitty. They take pictures of you while you’re asleep – and those pictures could easily be misconstrued. They say it’s “OK” because it didn’t cross some mysterious boundary that doesn’t sound like it can be easily defined or seen until it’s so obvious that it couldn’t be easily dismissed.
You diminished your own discomfort for wanting to appear nonchalant and cool. And while it is your responsibility to set your own boundaries – I’m giving you a pass because it sounds like you didn’t say what you really felt because you knew your “friends” wouldn’t support you, apologize and promise to not do that kind of shit or bring that up again.
So why are you friends with people who don’t treat you kindly?February 11, 2021 at 1:16 pm #1029221BittergaymarkGuest
Also —- Betty shot the video. NOT Adam. It’s like he was drunk and may simply not remember it all that well. Hell, it’s Betty who keeps bringing it up.February 11, 2021 at 1:17 pm #1029222BittergaymarkGuest
Wait though. What line did he cross with your friend?!February 11, 2021 at 2:16 pm #1029225CopaParticipant
Ughhh yeah this post gives me cringe-y college flashbacks. FB was pretty new when I went off to school and my sophomore year, the photo album feature was rolled out and OMG. The photos of drunk nights people used to post were super embarrassing and inappropriate, but at the time they seemed funny.
All that said, if you feel disrespected, that’s valid and you don’t need to default to saying you are an overreactive person or too sensitive. I think you’re wrong that people have to intend to be disrespectful for it to “count.” This guy DOES sound like a creep — it wasn’t one isolated event in which he exhibited poor judgment (drunk, high, or sober — doesn’t really matter) for which he later took responsibility and apologized. Anyway, it’s OK to stop being friends with this guy because you don’t like him, you don’t trust him, and you find his behavior inappropriate.February 11, 2021 at 2:47 pm #1029229golfer.galGuest
You can ditch Adam just because you think he’s a crappy friend who asked you to lie for him and then gave you shit when you wouldn’t do it. It doesn’t have to be more complicated than that and it doesn’t really matter if you’re “overreacting” about this old incident if the reality is you just don’t like Adam all that much, right now, today. You can slow fade or just stop talking to him and you don’t have to make a big thing of it.
How exactly did he “cross a line” with this other friend? Is he asking you to cover up for serious misconduct? As in he did something sexual without someone’s consent, he lied, cheated, or stole, or he took advantage of someone somehow? If you witnessed him harming someone then there is no question Adam needs to be cut out, and you should offer any support you can to the person he harmed- including disclosing to authorities what you saw if that’s what they want.February 12, 2021 at 2:08 am #1029244WhiteCactusParticipant
Yeah I’ll probably fade away since I don’t really have much motivation to hang out with him in the future, though a part of me misses and will miss the good parts and great memories with him. But atm, discomfort is overweighing everything else.
About this thing he did to another friend… I wasn’t only angry at him that he crossed another line but also in how he dealt with the situation that could maybe be eased down if he sincerely apologized about it and own his actions.
He basically put down pants (and underpants) from another friend while laughing. Friend was upset and embarassed and they started arguing. This friend asked me if I saw anything and I said I did (because I did). After more arguing (”it’s a joke, you’re no fun”) Adam give him an unsincere apology (me and friend both felt it was unsincere after we talked about it).
After that this friend went out because he wanted to be away and Adam asked me why didn’t I at least say that I saw nothing. I was just like ??? Because it was obvious that I was there as well and it doesn’t change the fact that he disrespected boundaries again. Yeah maybe friend would feel less embarassed if I said I saw nothing, but it was obvious that I did, I was right there. Also, Adam knew I was there when he did it and friend would be upset over this even I wasn’t there.
I think that Adam wasn’t upset because HIS actions made his friend upset but more upset over the fact that I didn’t ease the situation for him and that friend was now ”moody”. I advised Adam to speak to him but he didn’t.
Maybe he wasn’t totally ignorant to his feelings, I can’t read his mind. Again, maybe this wouldn’t be a big deal for some people, but when my friend spoke to me about it a few weeks later, he said he was still upset that Adam didn’t even check on him. And even if the situation isn’t bad in his perspective, friend was upset because of his actions and he could at least show some empathy.February 12, 2021 at 3:32 am #1029248briseGuest
You spend a lot of mental energy on a guy who doesn’t deserve it. Low quality friend.February 12, 2021 at 7:38 am #1029252LisforLeslieGuest
Dude doesn’t have boundaries and then gets angry when people tell him his behavior isn’t acceptable? Yeah, he sucks.
And Betty isn’t much better. Every time she brings up the pics or “remember when” – it’s at your expense. You’re the person who was embarrassed. You were the target. It wasn’t funny then, and it’s not getting funnier with age.