February 12, 2021 at 1:30 pm #1029261anonymousseParticipant
He likes to humiliate his friends as “just a joke.” That’s gross. If he pantsed anyone else, it would be considered assault. He’s a jerk. And your other friend sucks, too. I’m hoping you’re really young and that’s why your friends are so immature and have a bad sense of what is actually humorous.February 12, 2021 at 2:34 pm #1029262KateKeymaster
Don’t let anyone tell you what should and shouldn’t make you uncomfortable. Not your friends, not some man on this thread who was your age 30 years ago when standards for acceptable behavior (not to mention technology) were a lot different. People also used “retarded” and “gay” back then as insults, went to parties in blackface, and any number of other things we all understand not to be okay now.
If a man makes you uncomfortable, that’s your gut telling you you’re not safe around him, and you need to listen to it. Don’t let what other people are telling you drown out your gut. Your gut keeps you safe. “The Gift of Fear,” “The New Superpower for Women,” etc.February 12, 2021 at 2:37 pm #1029263Teri AnneGuest
I can really empathize with the LW’s dilemma, because I recently faced a similar situation with a radicalized friend. Shortly after the death of my uncle, my aunt (his wife) became very ill with covid. While I labored to clean out their very messy house, my former friend attended anti-mask demonstrations and kept telling me covid is a hoax. After showing no compassion when my aunt died, I realized for my sanity I needed to end contact.
Although the circumstances are different, my reaction was very similar to the LW. At first I was too stunned by my friend’s outrageous conduct to respond in the moment and I also worried if I was over-reacting (ie “too sensitive”). Then I was afraid to confront her because I did not want to get yelled at. As I gradually realized how awful her conduct was, I panicked about losing a friend who was the center of my social life. I spent most holidays with her and her family. As a widow of 63 with few family connections, would I now be doomed to spend my holidays alone? And how could I possibly make new friends during the pandemic? But she caused me so much anxiety that I knew I was better off without her in my life, so I blocked her on Facebook, email and my phone. I felt really sad, but now a few months later I am feeling so much better. And amazingly I did make new friends even though I am working from home now.
The LW knows the conduct of her friends is unacceptable, but the prospect of losing friends at the center of her social life is daunting. I want to tell the LW that while she will feel bad at first, in the not so long run she will feel so much better because she will no longer have to worry about what awful thing they will do next such as Adam groping her for real. She will have peace of mind, and the lessons the LW learned from this challenging situation will help her enjoy much healthier friendships in the not so distant future.February 12, 2021 at 4:30 pm #1029265WhiteCactusParticipant
thank you for sharing this. First of all, I’m sorry you had to go through this, you deserved nothing but support at the time when your loved ones passed away. Yes, what your ex-friend believes is her right as a human being, but showing no compassion and making things worse is not a characteristic of a friend. I think what you felt is completely understandable and if you stayed friends with her just for the sake of it, it would be poisonous for the long term as well. I’m glad you were brave going into the unknown while trusting yourself and the process and I’m glad you made new friends.
Your comment actually really resonates with me. I agree that even if the situation is different, it is really similar in its core. I did/am going through very similar things – being surprised, doubting myself, blaming myself, finding excuses, feeling guilty for being angry at both them in their own way, feeling regret over not saying anything…
But also the things I don’t really want to admit to myself. I’m scared to let this person go. I find it hard to see the person I respect, care about, had many great memories with and also planned doing things in the future… To let this all go feels scary, I’d rather save the relationship in another way, but it feels like it can’t happen, we’re too different and right now I’m not in a calm place, both being and not being friend with him doesn’t bring me peace.
Thank you for the perspective. I’m still undecided of what to do, I think I’d regret ending the friendship and right at this moment I actually can’t bring myself to do it, I’m still confused and I’m okay with thinking about it a bit longer but your answer still gave me some peace and hope that things can be okay/better in the end.
Best wishesFebruary 13, 2021 at 11:50 pm #1029279bloodymediocrityParticipant
Adam behaves this way with me lots of witnesses around. I shudder to think how he acts when no one is looking.