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Friend’s flirty boyfriend, what to do???

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  • This topic has 24 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 1 week ago by avatarKate.
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  • #962007 Reply
    avatarVanessa
    Guest

    Hi. About 3-4 years ago I met my friend’s boyfriend for my 21st birthday celebration. It was my boyfriend, my friend, her boyfriend and I. That night was SO much fun. It was my first time going out drinking and I was so grateful my friend showed up. Everyone else bailed. So it meant a lot. She’s awesome. We all got super drunk. I blacked out towards the end of the night (oops). But I very clearly remembered that at one point my friend’s boyfriend squeezed my butt hard. I think I remember so clearly because of how shocked I was. I turned around to him and he just gave me a huge grin. I turned away speechless. I hate myself for not saying something then. I just didn’t know how to react. I never told a soul. But I made it a thing to keep my distance from him at all parties/outings. I didn’t want another weird interaction with him. Fast forward to now.. This past weekend we rented a cabin with another two couples. So 4 couples total. Point is, throughout the nights he’d sneak winks at me. In the jacuzzi he put his leg on mine. At that I did tell him to stop and move away. But the jokes aimed at me and light “joking” touches on my arms/legs continued. When he made a toast to “being loyal” he winked at me again. I tell myself that Im just being crazy that he’s just friendly and a jokester. Maybe even the alcohol. But last night my boyfriend brought up that he thought my friend’s boyfriend was flirting with me throughout the weekend. The fact that he picked up on something validated the vibes I was getting too. What should I do?? I do not want to loose my friend. They’ve been dating for years. Maybe it is just the alcohol. Maybe she’d blame me. Thankfully there was no butt grabbing this weekend. I just fear the whole group dynamic would fall apart if I spoke up. I have so much fun going out with my friends and being able to bring my boyfriend too. But his behavior definitely makes me uneasy.

    #962008 Reply
    avatarHazel
    Participant

    Yuk, he sounds like a right pest. Do you think it is at all possible he is jealous of you and your friend’s friendship, and would like to create a small rift there? Or maybe he’s just disloyal and trying to see what he can get away with. If I was you, next time he winks, laugh and say “got something in your eye again, X?” If he does any of those annoying light touches, jump and react, “oh, it’s you, stop that.” Do it every time, especially when there are people there, so he knows he hasn’t managed to isolate you into a position of complicity.It’s a pity he’s being like this as it sounds as if you all have fun together, and if you nip it firmly in the bud he might stop it, but if I was you I’d try to avoid being with him after too many drinks.

    #962010 Reply
    avatarHelen
    Guest

    This is how guys get away with harassment, their targets don’t want to cause trouble or make a scene. Next time he winks or brushes your arm tell him “you’re making me uncomfortable, stop” He’ll blow it off as a joke or say you’re imagining things. You’ll have to tell him to stop several times I’m sure. If standing up for yourself causes drama, its his fault for harassing you. Not your fault for speaking up. Don’t worry about what happens with their relationship, that’s for them to figure out. If a rift in the friend group occurs, again, not your fault. His. You don’t have to put up with unwanted passes just to keep the peace

    #962011 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    What Helen said. I’d be even more cutthroat about it. Look him in the eye dead seriously and say “cut the shit right now or I’m telling Kaylee you’re a creepy sexual harrasser.”

    If it happens again, loudly draw attention to it. “Cut the shit, Kyle. I told you not to touch me.”

    #962012 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Don’t laugh at his “jokes” either.

    And ffs, if your boyfriend doesn’t like this guy “flirting” with you, then he should say something. I really hope he’s not suggesting that you’re encouraging it or it’s somehow your fault. I don’t like that he called it flirting and not something like “bothering” or “harassing.”

    #962017 Reply
    avatargolfer.gal
    Guest

    When he winks: ask loudly “Do you have something in your eye?” “Oh, you don’t. Then could you stop? It’s weirding me out”

    “Don’t touch me”

    “I’ve told you to STOP TOUCHING ME. You’re making me uncomfortable”

    “Stop making jokes about my body. Your comments are making me uncomfortable.”

    When he gets defensive and says he’s “just joking”: “ok good, then it should be easy to stop. I’m relieved this is the last joke of that kind you’ll be making with me”

    #962019 Reply
    avatarLisforLeslie
    Guest

    @golfer.gal is right – Call it out LOUDLY. “STOP TOUCHING ME!”

    We (men and women) must state our boundaries. If someone gets embarassed, that’s on them because they were crossing a boundary.

    Consider this scenario, you’re eating dinner with a group. Someone puts a french fry in your ear. Would you quietly sit there with a french fry in your ear or would you slap the person’s hand and yell at them for putting a fry in your ear? What if they took a french fry and quietly put it on your thigh? You’d likely yell at the person for putting a fry on your thigh and getting your pants greasy. If they get embarrassed or angry at you – that’s on them for doing something stupid.

    Same thing – if they get embarrassed it’s because they got CAUGHT doing something they know they shouldn’t be doing. You calling them out isn’t the bad action – they started it when they got too handsy.

    CALL THEM OUT EVERY SINGLE TIME.
    “You got something in your eye – why are you winking?”
    “Why are you touching me? Stop touching me now.”
    “if you grab my ass again, you will be left with a stump, not a hand.”

    #962020 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    I don’t know if you need to tell harassers they’re making you uncomfortable. They don’t care about that. They care about consequences. I got harassed by a couple of guys at work. The first time the first guy did it, I just deadass snapped at him, “Do we have an HR problem here?” Never happened again. Second guy, I looked him in the eye and told him to stop talking to me. His bullshit didn’t stop and he was clearly going to do it to other, more junior women, so I went straight to his boss, then my boss, then HR, and they took care of it. He never did it again.

    This guy doesn’t care if he’s making you uncomfortable. I would just go right to the consequences with a warning, and then if that doesn’t stop him, next time you call him out loudly.

    #962023 Reply
    avatarButtery
    Guest

    Yeah, guys like this depend on you “playing along” by being uncomfortable. And also by thinking Oh did he mean that? Clutches pearls. Girl please, don’t be uncomfortable – be grossed out and pissed off. Who the hell is his punk ass to be touching you? So when guys try to leer at me I straight up eye roll or I just have that face that says Ugh I smell something gross. They stop immediately LOL. I’ve learned to blatant with it because, why have this little respect of not calling them out or pretending like they’re not a disgusting creeper? I don’t put up with that crap AT ALL, because to me, if you do, its basically acting like that person is better than you, so you should do what they want.
    I get plenty of respectful hellos and oh you look nice, etc and those I say thank you and give smiles, but some gross leering ass, who’s doing it behind his girlfriends back? And TOUCHING you?? No and also NO.

    #962024 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    And please don’t worry about their relationship or how your friend will react. She needs to see you react to him being a creep. She deserves to know, and quite honestly- probably has seen enough herself and dismissed it.

    If your bf called it flirting, you should correct him with better words- harassment, bothering, etc. Speak up and stand up for yourself.

    #962030 Reply
    avatarButtery
    Guest

    Oh gosh – anoymousse’s comment reminded me of a time back in college or soon after. One of my friends was super into this guy and I just did not like him and thought he was weird but who cares, do you girl. Well then she wanted me to double date and hang out with them and his friend and I was like noooo, hard pass. I just..didn’t like them and thought their behavior was off. She tried to wheedle and cajole me into hanging out with them and I had to be like what is wrong with ALL of you please stop trying to pressure me to hang out, get someone else. And I’m one of those people who becomes more resistant when pressure is applied, because then I become kinda suspicious (like am I the only woman in the world or something, find someone else!) and also feel annoyed that my boundaries aren’t being respected.
    Long story short she continued hanging with them and one night found herself blinded folded and tied up with what she THOUGHT was one guy and turned out to be 2! She was so mortified. I guess they did end things when she got mad but can you believe they even tried that?? And sadly, our relationship was never the same, I guess because she felt…embarrassed and humiliated? Hopefully they did not do more to her than what she revealed to us.
    Moral of the story: go with your gut and do not pretend that these people are “harmless” or that you don’t know whats really going on, because you do. You don’t need him to be like Yeah I was flirting, because guess what, he’s never going to admit that. Shut things down, do not let anyone continue on with their gross behavior because one “opening” can potentially lead to a whoooole lot of bad. And they’ll say Oh you were into it. If this guy catches you alone and drunk in a room somewhere and attacks you, you know its gonna be well I flirted with her and she didn’t mind so….
    Sorry, I know that was long, but damn – women need help with this stuff. I’ve never understood. I have one sad friend who has been victimized multiple times resulting from silly behavior, not being able to just say no, I’m not interested with conviction and its just really sad. Its not MEAN to not be interested in someone, you’re just not interested. You just don’t want them touching you – thats not being mean.

    #962031 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Another thing you have to understand about guys like this is, it’s them, not you. It’s not personal, they are just a creep, and they will keep being creepy to anyone who doesn’t shut them down. You shut them down or put HR onto them, and they stop, or move on to the next one. It’s nothing about you at all, except you put up with it. Make a scene.

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